Another Saturday....

Oh, another Saturday morning.... I have got to get the kids ready for basketball soon. The uniforms are in the dryer... I woke up this morning happy--- then I remembered. It felt like I had been punched in the gut. I tried to go back to sleep, but that didn't work... my mind started thinking, remembering the good, thinking about what might have been. It is so crazy... why such a potentially good thing could be reduced to nothing. I don't even know what to think... my heart hurts and I feel so alone this morning.

I feel like a child. I wish my Mommy could hug me and make it all better... Funny how a 39 year old woman can want comfort from her Mother. I won't call her though. I don't want to even talk about it anymore. I don't want her to have one more reason to discount lesbian relationships. I just want the pain to go away. That will take time. I almost would have been better to have been cheated on--- at least I could think that it was all about sex. Instead I know that it is about me as a person, and my children. The things I hold most precious in the world. The reason that I live. The ones who make me whole. Why does it feel like a part of me has been ripped away? Because I had let two other people into my family... into my world... the only world that I have ever felt safe in. And now that world has been torn apart.

How will I tell my children? They are so very very invested this time. They are in love with the other two. Especially D. What will he do without J? He will be heartbroken--- he gets upset when he doesn't see him for a few days.... Annie told me to say nothing. She just said I should make excuses--"they are busy" "maybe we'll see them another day"... Eventually, they will forget. I think that is what I am going to do, although I know that that won't work for Big A--- she's too smart. What kind of example am I setting for my children???? So far, I have dated two people, and I have involved both of these people in my children's lives, and then abruptly they have lost these people. This time it is worse. This time we acted as a family. This time another child will be hurt as well. What does this say to our children? That relationships don't work? That people are expendable?

I am a child of divorce, but in my case it was a happy event--- no more violence, no more tension. Life without my Dad in the home was good for a while... then my Mom remarried. She married a man who immediately changed everything-- changed all of the rules. And life was again stressful and hard. I never want my children to experience these feelings. I want them to have the happiest of childhoods. I think that for the most part I have succeeded, but in my relationships I have failed. I am so sorry for that... I am so sorry...

I am sorry for myself too. I truly wanted to believe that I could have it all.... children, a partner, a "normal" family... I fantasized about the future. I imagined that financially I would get back on my feet again, we could move to a bigger house, we could all live together happily, things would great.. like a story book. Now I really see that fantasy can not always be made into reality. For a relationship to work, both people have to love and accept each other--- not want to change everything about the other. I believe I have that capacity, I just wish that she had been able to do the same.... I think we have both shattered each other.