Funny how I seem to write more when I am in a bad place... I guess that is because there is no one around to talk to, and I need to get these thoughts out of my head. Anyway, today was not the best of days... The ride to work was terrible-- not the traffic just a conversation I had while driving. Then my first surgery patient-- a very old cat went into cardiac arrest on the table. That is the worst possible thing-- to have a patient that you anesthetized die right in front of you!!! Fortunately, I was able to resuscitate him with CPR and epinephrine... it seemed like it took forever though, and I was worried that he would be blind or otherwise brain damaged, but he came out of it okay. Also I didn't crack any of his ribs... that is another plus. But I bet he will be sore tomorrow. The rest of the day consisted of extremely fractious cats-- I got bitten twice... both times drawing blood, and euthanasia... What a crappy day. Bleh. I am glad it is over.
Tonight D made a poster for Black History month. He has to finish a bit tomorrow morning before school, so I haven't taken a picture yet. It may seem corny that I photograph all of their little projects, but I like to have the memories... Oh well, I guess I'm a just super sentimental.
Nothing much else to report. The kids were all happy and talkative tonight.. D asked when we would see Pixie and J, and Big A promptly answered " Mom said we would probably not be seeing them for quite a while" I looked at her--- because I had not said this to her at all, and she quickly said " Because we are all busy, right Mom?" I said yes, and that was that. Big A knows what is going on. Startling and sad-- and now she is trying to keep the little ones from getting upset. God, I guess I have taught her that people are expendable... that they come and go. I think with out knowing it, I am raising her not to attach. That is very disturbing and heartbreaking. I don't know what to do about it. I didn't want this... I wanted us all to be happy together. I wanted to be with Pixie forever. Now, yet again, I have failed... not just at a relationship, but also, in a sense, my children. What kind of example is that? I don't ever want to do that to them again. Or to myself.
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