More Worries...

I should be in bed now.... I have got a lot to do tomorrow in a very little bit of time.  I made the mistake of opening my email though and I learned from my son's special ed teacher that Dekalb County is considering closing my children's elementary school!  Apparently the decision is between two school's on the north side of the county and ours is one of them!   I am NOT HAPPY!!!  I knew about school closings, but my kids' school was not on the original list.... I guess it is under consideration now.... I can not believe that they would even consider us...  our school has the largest program for orthopeddically impaired children in the county.  Apparently years ago it was specifically renovated for this purpose.  The County brings blind and orthopedically impaired children from all over our county to this school because of the facilities.  That is one of the things I love most about this school.  Not only are the PT and OT programs perfect for my son, but all of the children in the school are exposed to a large number of other kids in wheelchairs, walkers, crutches, etc. at a younger age.  It is good for them to see people with differences and not even think twice about it.  Everyone is equal at this school, and children learn tolerance and acceptance at a young age.  Not only that but the school is small, friendly, and the parents are very involved.  It makes me sick to think of it being closed.... 

Lunchtime in Griffen...

I am in a strange place...   I am in Griffen , GA today.  It is a very nice little town, and the people are all very friendly.  But I wonder if they would be so friendly if I was "out" here?  It is so interesting to hear the way and the things everyone talks about in this town.  The health care bill for instance.... not popular down here at all.  Sometimes being down here scares me.  I mean these are hardcore Baptist Republicans--- I am not.  I do not discuss politics, religion, sexuality.... really anything, when I am working here.  Sometimes it makes for a lonely day.  To make it worse, my cell service if horrible here, so I can't even call or text anyone...  I am particularly lonely today.  I have a reason for that.  Lunchtime sucks... usually I talk to Pixie when I'm on my lunch break.  Not today.  This is all so terrible. So sad. So confusing.  I want to hear her voice, even when she is yelling at me.  I just don't want to let her go even when she is livid.  Why???? 

The Answer....

It is almost time to wake up the kids.  They have to catch the bus today at 6:42am.  I had strange dreams last night, but I can't remember them right now.  Sometimes my dreams come back to me in bits and pieces throughout the day, and they are usually quite bizarre and sometimes shocking.  I think I am definitely in a time of transition.  I am on the ledge.  And I have a choice.... either I fall or I fly...  Right now I am desperately searching for my wings.  I have to find them, because I DO NOT want to fall.  I CAN NOT fall.  I must learn to fly.  

 

I woke up this morning and I got an answer to my question.. or at least a path to take to find the answer...  Someone I don't even know wrote this to me....

"Some of us have the ability to walk the Shaman's path - b/w life and death and teeter on the very edge. Most of us need a little help from our friends.......do not be alone in your journey. Reach out. We all have gifts to bestow and sometimes walking through the darkness, we appreciate the light. But sometimes we need a little guidance...a little ... See Morereminder ... of why we are even here...allow that opening. Visualize something fantastic in your life -- even if it feels minute - just a small tiny sparkle...laughter of a child, purr of a cat, blossom of a flower, flitter of a hummingbird...what works for you? Then go deeper, much deeper...and ask for the right teachers to come in. Do something very easy - pick up a few magazines and whatever makes you feel good, cut it out. Words. Pictures. Maps...we call it Treasure mapping. Colors...people...make a collage. What is the message to you? Only you. Put together supportive words. This is but one exercise. You need to be surrounded by people who think in the positive - the way you want your life to be. Who makes you feel good? Feel valued? Stay away if only for a brief time of those that feed the negative...and each time you think of something negative "I'm not worthy...good enough...STOP...CANCEL...replace with I am a child of the Universe and the world is plentiful. I share in grace and love and kindness and fun! I surround myself with people who are genuine and care and enjoy the fruits of life." May sound silly...but you are an incredibly power-filled being and you can create exactly what you want. I put affirmations in my car, on my bedroom mirror, wherever you need a reminder. "It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom" -- I have pics of the prosperity goddesses on my bathroom mirror. Whatever works for you....do it. I support you."

 

I realize that I have been trying to walk this path alone... I have been in therapy for several months, and I have been trying to deal with the images and memories that have come up from my childhood alone.  These raw, scary feelings have come back out and the emotions have entered my dreams, and have entered my waking life as well.  The anger has been building back up.  I had my temper under control for so long, but now I seem to have so much anger and hurt again.  Old wound shave been opened up and I need support and love to surround me to help me through this time.  I do need to stay away from negativity... I need to reach out to those who will actually be there for me.  Who will not give up on me and feed my negative feelings about myself.  I need to visualize the right teachers entering my life...  The right friends.....  I need to move past my self loathing and guilt and enter a place of self- forgiveness.  I have made many mistakes and I have hurt the ones that I love.  I am sorry for that.  It is time to forgive myself and move on to a peaceful place.  A place of self acceptance and self love.  This is going to be one of the hardest journeys I will ever have to face, but I have to take it... for me.  Someday, the people I have hurt will forgive me-- I hope, but now I have to concentrate on forgiving myself.  I am not my father. I am not my mother.  I am me, and I am a mother to my children. I want their lives to be good and I do not want them to suffer as I have with depression and self hate.  I must find my wings. If that means I let go of people who can not support me in my journey and who can't help me find a way to move past my anger and fear, then I will have to.  As much as that hurts me now, I have to visualize the right teachers and people coming into my life.  So many people tell me that visualizing what I want will work... I am going to try it.  I am going to concentrate on removing the negative and manifesting the positive.  I will find my faith and I will find my teachers.  I am letting go... and I am finding my wings.

Why?

When will all this get easier?  I keep hoping that I will suddenly feel peace about this breakup.  But I don't.  I am not sure that I have accepted it completely. I keep hoping that time would go backward... that we could be in a good place again. That the future would look bright and cheery.  That we could have figured out a way to make things work.  Why were the good times so good??? Why were the bad times so bad???  Why do I feel such a pull towards her?  Why can't I feel okay about this?  Why do I miss her so much?  Why do I crave her touch?  Why do I want to talk to her every second of the day?  Why can't I get her out of my mind?  This is not fun.  Not at all.  I am exhausted from thinking about it.  My heart is so heavy.  My friends keep telling me to be strong... that this is the right thing.  But why does it feel so wrong?  Why does my heart feel this way? 

Today when I picked up the kids, Little A asked when Pixie would spend the night at our house again... Then she asked if we could eat at her house....  That is what hurts the most.... knowing that not only do I have to feel this pain and loss, but my children do as well.  That is horrible, horrible, horrible.  I never want my kids to hurt. And they are going to hurt.  Because of me.  I put them in this situation.  That is not right.

God, I'm sick of thinking about it... So let me think of something else to write about..... Let's see, what has been going on with my kids?  Well.... Last Thursday I took Little A and D to the ophthalmologist.  Little A had failed her vision test at school, so she needed an exam.  D was simply due for his yearly exam.  Little A passed her exam with flying colors... much to her chagrin.  She was VERY disappointed not to get glasses.  Funny, the grass is always greener....  D, however, needs a much stronger prescription than before.  He now must have BIFOCALS.  Poor boy, only 6 years old and he requires bifocals.  That sucks.  The doctor said that it would probably be hard for him to get used to looking through them.  I'm not looking forward to that... 

Today, D had an appointment to get his blood pressure checked because he started Concerta a couple of weeks ago.   His blood pressure was fine.  And I told the pediatrician that the medicine seemed to be working at the low dose, and his side effects, like loss of appetite and insomnia, were virtually nonexistent... But, as soon as we left and went shopping for glasses, he made a hyperactive spectacle of himself.  Then at dinner, he barely ate a thing... And just now, at 9:57pm, he got up out of bed for the second time... guess he can't sleep!  What?!?  Well, I  guess I may need to call the doctor back....

Talking Myself Down From The Ledge...

Ugh... It is early and I have a bit of a hangover, but I can't go back to sleep. Normally my kids would be up and about, keeping my mind occupied, but they are at Theresa's house. They spent the night there last night so that I could go to Pixie's birthday party. I was supposed to spend the night, but I ended up leaving and coming back home. I want to forget the whole night happened, in fact I want to forget everything. My gut told me it was a mistake. I should have listened.

It started raining a few minutes ago... I guess soccer will be canceled. Oh well, the rain will keep me inside. Maybe I can actually get my house cleaned with the kids gone for a while. Thank God for Theresa. She talked to me the entire way home and she let me cry and she told me what I knew already. She said that someday I will meet the right person for me. She said that I deserve so much more than I feel I do. She told me not to give up hope. I wish she had been here to hug me. I needed that so bad last night. Despite all of the weirdness between us that has occurred in the last year, she is there for me. And I know she always will be. She will always be one of my truest friends. She is my family and she knows me and she loves me and she loves my children--- unconditionally. I don't think I can keep hope though... I mean of meeting the right person for me... I'm not sure I will ever meet my life partner. Maybe I will someday, but I can't look right now. I am so sad today. I am so lonely. I feel so betrayed. I need to let go completely now. I need to close this chapter in my life and move on. I need to get it together... on my own. I need to get back to the place I was in 2008. I know that probably sounds bad--- after all my heart was hardened, I had no desire to open it up to anyone... and that may not sound to most people like a healthy way to live. But I was safe. And I was happy. And no one could break my heart. I had my children and I had my friends and I had my family (sort of) and I was satisfied. That was enough. The past two years have been hard for me. I have tried to let two people into my heart. I have opened myself up and felt the insecurity that comes along with that. And in both cases, I have been wrong. I have been broken by these two relationships. In different ways--- completely different ways. It is actually quite laughable if I really think about it. Two completely different people, and neither of them was the right one. It makes me wonder if there is a "right one" for me. Theresa says there is. Maybe she is right. She knows me probably better than anyone. She has been part of my life for the last 6 years... the closest person to me. I look at my house and my children and in all of it I see her. She has been there. She has helped me. She has loved us. We have been a family. So why do I even want to find a life partner? I had it all in 2008 ( except the sexual intimacy). Why did I ruin it? I guess that is what it was... the desire to feel physically close to someone, as well as emotionally close. Maybe for me those two things can not be from the same person. Maybe I just need to accept that. The other day I said that I wish I could meet my soul mate. Pixie said that I do have soul mates... I see that she was right. Theresa is one of my soul mates. Steve was one of my soul mates. Missi was one of my soul mates. I am sure that there are others, but these three people knew me and loved me and helped to mold my life. Without Steve, I never would have become a veterinarian--- he gave me courage and helped me see that I was intelligent and I could become what ever I wanted. We were good friends more that lovers, but we had the same interests and we were comfortable with each other. I still dream about him to this day--- 15 years later. And I hope his life is good. Missi helped me to see life as an adventure... without her, I probably would never have made it through vet school. In her I found a companion who helped keep my life sane during one of the most stressful times-- I mean school. She was spontaneous and happy and adventurous... and she brought that side out in me. She could make me laugh so easily and she showed me that you can find joy in the simplest things--- she would pick me up from clinics my senior year of vet school and whisk me off to North Carolina for night snowboarding, then have me back the next day in time for rounds.... Crazy... we would be listening to the Indigo Girls and she would sing, while I slept the whole way home. She still seems to call me from Texas at just the right times. Theresa was my only family. Without her, I would not have my beautiful son, or probably Little A for that matter. She helped me in so many ways. She supported me when my family turned their backs on me. She loved my children with all of her heart-- she still does. She and I both find so much joy in watching them have fun and laugh. She encouraged me to improve my home, she helped me build everything around here. She picked the kids up, and took them to the doctor, and fed them and loved them unconditionally. She traveled everywhere we went-- even to Russia. She never hesitates in telling me when I am wrong, but she also never hesitates in telling me that I am doing good. I know that I can count on her for anything. She will always be there and I will always love her for that. I have been so lucky to have these people in my life. They have been placed in my life just when I have needed them, and I will always be grateful for that. I guess I should count my blessings instead of cry over failed relationships. I may never find "the one", or my life partner, or what ever you want to call it, but I have people in my life who truly love me and truly love my children, so I should count my blessings. I am grateful for this. It is a time of new beginnings. It is Spring, and life is starting new. I love this time of year. I have so many things that I want to do... time for me to be back in project mode--- that is where I am happiest. I have always got to be planning something, building something, doing something... yes, it is usually for my kids... But that is what makes me happy and at peace. Today I will clean and organize and plan my spring projects, and I will try with all my might to keep my mind off this last failed relationship. I will focus on the relationships that really matter. My family.

New Beginnings....

Today is not actually 3/16, although the date at the bottom will say that.... I started posting the photos then, but I just now got around to writing--- Today is 3/20. The week has been BUSY! Work and Pixie's birthday celebrations have pretty much wiped me out! I am supposed to be getting ready for a party at Pixie's friend's house, but I am exhausted... so I think I'll chill for a while and write...

The kids are finally through with basketball-- they actually finished last week. Soccer has started but they have had only one practice so far--- we have been rained out once. It is supposed to rain tomorrow, and they are supposed to have their first games. I am going to be bummed if it gets canceled...

Today is beautiful though! It is the first day of Spring! Time for new beginnings.... And I am going to enjoy it!

Elvis...

As I sit down to write this post, I am not even sure where to begin or what to say.... Last night, when I got home from dinner, I found my Hahn's Macaw, Elvis, lying dead on the floor of his cage. I still think I am in shock over it. Elvis was the second bird I ever owned. My ex- boyfriend Steve and I bought him from a bird show in Atlanta in September of 1993. He was still being hand fed once or twice a day when we got him... It was so funny to watch his little head bob up and down at feeding time. Ringo (our first bird) immediately hated him, of course. And so began a lifelong feud... Those two used to fight so much! It was funny at times, not so funny at others--- their fights always seemed to end in someone bleeding. Often that someone was me... Sticking your hand between two fighting parrots to break up a fight is not fun... I still carry some of those scars on my hands... :)





Elvis grew into a feisty little thing! Many of my friends can attest to that--- he would sit there looking so cute, lure them to try to pet him, and then he would attack! Hahahaha! There will never be another bird like the E-man. I will miss his kisses though. He would nibble on my lower lip and let me kiss his beak. He could be so cuddly... and his feathers smelled so good. I did not expect him to die. Not at all. He showed no signs of illness, although he had been eating a bit less lately. He still screamed and shook his foot (we called it flipping the bird) at you. He still said "nite nite" every night in his squawky little voice... I will miss that so much. He always answered me when I said "Nite nite, birds".


Elvis would have been 17 years old on July 3.... Turns out though that he was actually a she.... He laid his first and only egg at the age of 15 yrs !! That little guy was full of surprises!!

I will miss my little Elvis.... I love you buddy, and you will always be in my heart.

As I sit down to write this post, I am not even sure where to begin or what to say.... Last night, when I got home from dinner, I found my Hahn's Macaw, Elvis, lying dead on the floor of his cage. I still think I am in shock over it. Elvis was the second bird I ever owned. My ex- boyfriend Steve and I bought him from a bird show in Atlanta in September of 1993. He was still being hand fed once or twice a day when we got him... It was so funny to watch his little head bob up and down at feeding time. Ringo (our first bird) immediately hated him, of course. And so began a lifelong feud... Those two used to fight so much! It was funny at times, not so funny at others--- their fights always seemed to end in someone bleeding. Often that someone was me... Sticking your hand between two fighting parrots to break up a fight is not fun... I still carry some of those scars on my hands... :) Elvis grew into a feisty little thing! Many of my friends can attest to that--- he would sit there looking so cute, lure them to try to pet him, and then he would attack! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Hahahaha</span>! There will never be another bird like the E-man. I <span style="font-style: italic;">will</span> miss his kisses though. He would nibble on my lower lip and let me kiss his beak. He could be so cuddly... and his feathers smelled so good. I did not expect him to die. Not at all. He showed no signs of illness, although he had been eating a bit less lately. He still screamed and shook his foot (we called it flipping the bird) at you. He still said "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">nite</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">nite</span>" every night in his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">squawky</span> little voice... I will miss that <span style="font-style: italic;">so much</span>. He always answered me when I said "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Nite</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">nite</span>, birds". Elvis would have been 17 years old on July 3.... Turns out though that he was actually a she.... He laid his first and only egg at the age of 15 yrs !! That little guy was full of surprises!! I will miss my little Elvis.... I love you buddy, and you will always be in my heart.

Elvis
July 3, 1993 - March 14, 2010

In A Split Second Things Can Change....

My internet has been down for the last few days... don't ask why... just another one of my f... ups. Anyway, as you can see it is back up now. I started to post last night, but I began to feel really ill and went to bed instead. Turns out, I was running a fever--- I pretty much shivered and sweated all night last night. It was horrible. All day long, I have been getting flashbacks of my strange fever dreams.... turns out they were very very weird. Needless to say, today absolutely sucked. I overslept... of course, and had a hell of a busy day... Let's see, my first patient had a GDV( google it if you don't know what that is).... I felt so terrible all day... The hospital owner offered to let me go home early, but I felt guilty leaving him alone with such chaos going on.. so I stayed. At least the time went by fast... Then came the ride home... It was pouring rain, so there is no need to explain that traffic was a nightmare--- Altanta traffic always sucks, but in the rain it is impossible. So there I am speeding as fast as I can to get to my kids on time, when just in front of me a four car collision occurs. I slammed on the brakes and swerved to miss the accident. During this, my heart jumped up into my throat, and I visualized myself dying there on I 285.... All I could think was "OH NO!!!!" Thank God, I was able to swerve out of the way, and did not wreck, but it really jolted me... BAD. I just burst out into sobbing tears. I started to hyperventilate for a minute. That was scary! And enlightening.... I thought about my kids. They could have lost their Mom. Who would they have then? I will now admit that I have a secret fear that I will someday die on these highways... I seriously think about it daily. I am always speeding back to get them on time.... I'm always speeding to get somewhere... And I fear that one of these days my luck will run out... Tonight, however, luck was with me. I didn't wreck. But I came terribly close--- not just close to having a fender bender, but close to really losing contol of my car and doing some real damage. It was very sobering. It made me start to think. I started to think about my priorities and my responsiblilites. I realized that I have had misplaced priorities lately. I need to take care of myself and my children, and put all of my focus on that right now. I have these wonderful children to take care of. I need to slow down and focus on them and on me. I need to take care of my stuff. I need to focus on what I need. I need order in my house and peace in my life and love in my home. I need space and peace and happiness. I need change to happen now. Right now. I think my eyes were opened tonight. And like it or not I now see the things that need to be changed.

Basketball 2010....

Baby Soft Hair...

My son has baby fine hair... he just stumbled out of his room, half asleep. He tripped on his way over, picked himself up with out a sound, and climbed onto the couch beside me. I rubbed his little head and felt his baby soft blond hair... and watched him suck his thumb. He is so beautiful in the morning--- he is quiet for a few minutes, and that makes all the difference in the world. In the early morning, he is my sweet baby boy. I can visualize him as a tiny baby, all soft and cuddly... oh it is too bad that I didn't have him then... he needed to be held and rocked and loved... instead he learned to rock himself, and he learned to yell at the top of his lungs to get attention.... Oh, poor baby boy.....

I talked to his pediatrician yesterday. We are going finally get him on some ADD medication. He wants to try him on Concerta first... I guess I will start it this weekend, so I can watch him and monitor for side effects. Loss of appetite is the main side effect that I worry about--- I can handle mood swings ( I'm used to that with Big A), and insomnia... but that little guy can't afford to start losing any weight. He is already teeny tiny.... I hope it works. I think he will do much better in school if it does, and maybe I will get some of my sanity back. I once said that I would never medicate my kids... but then again, I said I would never medicate myself. I have learned from experience that medication is sometimes needed. Definitely in my case, and most likely in his.... My fingers are crossed!

Lunchtime....

I am sitting here in front of Barnes and Noble typing on this silly computer. I'm on lunch break.... I should be curled up in my bed at home taking a little nap... That is what I wish.. I woke up feeling better, but my headache has been trying to come back all day. I am also having a bit of vertigo today and my face is feeling tingly -- yuck! I really have to think that this is all related to stress... It really does seem to get worse when I am worried or tired. I need sleep it away and refrain from thinking too much about it... all that does is make it worse. What I would really really love right now is a massage. I may have to splurge soon and get one. I feel like I have the weight of the world on me right now and I need to relieve some of that tension... Ah... that would be sooo nice! Maybe I will call to set this up when I get back to the office. Right now I just do not feel like talking to anyone at all. Sitting here in silence is just what I need at the moment.... In fact, I'm even tired of writing... I think I will close my eyes and sleep the rest of my lunch break away...