Thanksgiving 2009....

I started writing this post after Thanksgiving... but I am just now getting back to it (it is Dec 9). Slack... that's all I can say. W had a nice Thanksgiving dinner at the home of a friend... On Saturday, I took the kids up to my brother's house to visit their cousins. The kids had a great time. I ended up staying up much to late talking to my sister-in-law.... this is not unusual for us. I paid for it the next day, however.... I was exhausted.

On Sunday, my brother and I took all the kids to a local park... My Mom and my other brother joined us. It was nice to see my family. I really ought to go more often. My kids, especially D, would really benefit from it I think...

Below are some photos of our trip to SC....

G..... Sporting His Marine Cut

Big Brother H!!!

Gabe's "Mini Me"

Handsome Big H...

Trouble...

The Lone Female....

The Little Brothers and D...
Wrecking The Place

Baby P...

The Silly Cousins...

"Best Fwiends!!!"

Silly Little A...

Takin' A Break....

Waiting For Food....

Big A....

Dinner At Ryan's....

Uncle Gabe...
The Birthday Boy!

Playin' At The Park...

The Littlest Rugrats...

Little H...
Sooo Sweet!

Those Two Are TROUBLE!!!!

So Are They....

Goofball...

Goofball #2...

Mommy's "Mini Me"

"Robin"...

Two Cute Boys!!!!

A Future Military Man...

Aw....

Nana!!!

One Mom And Three Kids On The Ice...

It's raining this morning.... I am sitting on the front porch watching it. Funny how one day can be so beautiful and the next can be so dismal. I am not a person who enjoys the rain. I never have been. Some people find it relaxing, especially on a Sunday-- a good day to nap. But I would much rather be able to get outside and work or play... Yesterday was absolutely beautiful. A perfect day to work in the yard. Working in the yard is very relaxing to me... it helps me clear my mind. Yesterday afternoon I tackled the leaves on the roof and in the backyard. Not a small job. I haven't bothered to do a thing back there since early summer. The back yard is a disaster. I have really let things around my place go this past year. More so than ever before. Slowly but surely, I am tackling them though. It is hard because the chaos is so great the I almost don't know where to start. I know the reason for it. This year I have gone down a path of near self destruction-- not outwardly, but on the inside. I think I am on the path to recovering though. At least I hope so. That is my plan... to recover my life and my self worth. I am going to rid myself of my demons and get my life back on track. I am going to work on being happy again. This past year, and most of my life for that matter, I have looked to others to make me happy. I have hoped to find happiness in a person or persons, and often times in a bottle, but the only way that I will find true happiness is to find it within myself. I know this, but still it is hard to do. Watching my children grow, learn, and play does make me happy though. I have been told that I have lived my life entirely for my children these past 6 1/2 years, and that is true to an extent. I really have lived my life for my children for much longer than that though.... I have wanted to have babies for as long as I have been an adult. I have planned on it and read about it and dreamed about it. Funny, I can't remember wanting kids as a child--- I don't remember as much of my childhood as most people. But I am sure I wanted to be a Mom even then... Who knows. Why did I want to become a mother? I don't have the answer. Maybe it is because children give unconditional love, something that was lacking and still is lacking in my adult relationships. It doesn't really matter the reason I guess. I am a Mother to three young children, and it is my responsibility and my privilege to to raise them and love them and give them a childhood that they will always remember as being wonderful. I have come to realize that having three children and having normal adult relationships is not easy, in fact it may not even be possible. I come with a big set of baggage. And in order to love me and be in a relationship with me, my children must be included and embraced. That is no easy task. It takes a lot for someone to love and accept a single person...It takes even more for someone to love and accept a family. Especially mine I guess.

Anyway, enough of that.... Yesterday I took the kids to the IceForum in Duluth for the school skate day. Ice skating with three small children who don't know how to skate is no easy task. At first Little A refused to even try, thankfully a mother who was watching from the side offered to watch her while I took turns taking the older two out on the rink. Eventually Big A ventured out on her own, and I was able to concentrate on D. Little A finally decided to try skating ( she was pretty good at it), so I took turns taking the two little ones out. The whole thing was extremely tiring--- very hard on my back and arms, but we had a lot of fun! The kids had a great time, and so did I. It was a good morning. I really want to take them back more often. That was only the third time I have ever been ice skating in my life, but I really enjoy it... It is nice and quiet out on the ice...
after skating, we went to Costco to shop and grab a bite of lunch. Then we went home, and I worked in the yard for the entire afternoon. The kids played outside for a long time, but eventually wondered in the house and destroyed it while I was blowing leaves... Nothing stays clean for long with three children present.... Last night we met Annie at Ikea for a cheap dinner and more shopping... Even though I didn't buy a thing, it was nice just to shop around with a friend. Good to get out of the house and hang out with another grown up....

My Baby Boy....

The conversations around my house have been interesting lately. D has lately started talking more about Russia. He has, in the recent past, avoided answering any questions about Russia, and he has refused to speak any Russian whatsoever. But over the last few days, he has been telling us little things that he remembers from his life in Russia--- for instance he told us about falling off the "snow slide" and hurting himself. He also told us that once a woman passed out candy in the snow. He said he saw a man with shaving cream on his face when he was on the train ( the train trip that brought him to me..). He has also been asking me how to say some words in Russian... I think has forgotten most of the language. It is interesting and sort of sad to think that he has already forgotten the language that he spoke for the first five years of his life. But I'm sure that he could pick it back up very easily in the future if he wants to.

We have also been talking a lot about childbirth lately. I let the kids watch the video of Little A's birth the other night, and they loved it. I hadn't seen it in a while either, and it amazed me at how HUGE I was! I mean big!!! My belly was soooo big, and I was sooo bloated. Not attractive at all. :) And Little A was an extremely fat newborn! She was a whopper!!!! It also amazed me at how young Big A looked. She was so cute!! Now she is so grown up. Crazy.

D was glued to the TV as we watched. At bedtime, he asked me what it was like when he was born. I told him that he had been born in Russia, and that he was born very very early and was very small. I told him that he was so tiny and sick, but he was a strong baby who fought and fought, and he lived and grew stronger because he was waiting for his Mama (me) to find him. I told him that all of the nurses loved him best,and they rocked him and sang to him every day. (I wish that this was true, but I know that it probably isn't... ) Then I told him that it took both of us a very long time to find each other, but now we will be together forever, and I will always take care of him and protect him. He is always safe with me. Then I kissed him and tucked him into bed. He is my little boy. I wish that I had baby pictures to show him, but I don't. I wish that I had seen his little body come out of mine, but it didn't. It would have been so nice to have smelled his little baby smell. But he is here now and he is mine now, and that is good enough.

The Joys Of Pharmacuticals And Family Time....

Boy, I have been soooo sleepy lately. It is becoming obnoxious. By 8:00 pm, I am ready for bed. Seriously. I begin a post and inevitably fall asleep with the computer in my lap. Unfortunately, I think I know the culprit. I started taking a new antidepressant (Cymbalta). And no.... I am not ashamed to admit it. The good news is that it has really helped me feel less depressed and anxious--- a big big improvement. The bad news is it seems to wipe me out by the end of the day. There are a few other side effects though. One is that I no longer have the desire to drink so much-- that's good because I was drinking way too much recently ( and as we all know, my family is VERY prone to alcoholism), but the bad thing is that when I do have just one or two drinks, I feel miserable--- I just simply do not enjoy it at all. A glass of wine or a margarita will just compounds my sleepiness. I have also noticed that I feel very unemotional... not only do I not feel the miserable sadness, but I really don't feel excited about anything. I am much more often in a good mood, but I feel just as happy being alone as I do with my friends or girlfriend. In a way I feel numb... like if I went back to my old life (before I started dating again), I wouldn't really be bothered too much. Don't get me wrong, I very much love the Pixie, and I really want to be her girlfriend, and I do miss her when I am not with her, but I no longer have the sense that I would be miserable if I were alone. I think that's a good thing.. right? I am not sure. It is a strange, disconnected feeling. The Pixie keeps asking me what's wrong... I keep telling her nothing is wrong-- nothing at all. That is the truth. My mood is very stable... maybe too stable? Who knows... but I am no longer feeling hopeless and anxious, and that suits me just fine.

Lately my business has been slow. Way too slow for comfort. I think I need something more stable. I think that I need to get a "real" job... working for a salary, benefits, etc. This is not really conducive to my personality, but I have 3 children to support and so I think I will have to bite the bullet.... at least until the economy gets better. I suppose I can do anything for a year. Right? Now, the goal is to find such a job. I have never seen a time when veterinary positions were so hard to come by. It is pretty scary. But something will come up---- soon I hope.

The kids have had a pretty good week, I think. Saturday morning Big A had her first real Daisy Scout meeting. The girls had lots of fun making "talking sticks" and learning the girl scout promise. It was a pretty cool little meeting. I think Big A is very excited about being part of the Girl Scouts. Here is a photo of the Troop:

Daisy Scouts 2009

D finally figured out that he could actually build things with his little work bench that Santa brought him last year... Here he is displaying his birdhouse proudly:

Handy Man, D

He also requested a desk in his room, so I moved a little table in there for him to use. He decorated his "desk" himself... The apples were a nice touch, but I told him he had to put them back in the bowl, because there is no food allowed in bedrooms....

D's Desk....

Friday was the school Book Parade... this is the big kickoff to the book fair every year. Last year, I wasn't able to go because I was working. But this year (because work is so slow) I got to go see the parade! It was really cute! Big A decided to make a T-shirt depicting the book her class would be representing in the parade. The book is called "Stone Soup" She designed and painted the shirt all by herself! She is so creative! Always coming up with something artistic to do. It is funny... she is both good at math and artistic... seems like a strange combination to me, but if she keeps it up, she will go far in life. Here are some photos from the Book Parade:

Big A's Stone Soup Shirt!!!

A Close Up...

Celery Girl!!!

So Proud!!!

Little A Was A Strawberry!
(Her book was "The Very Hungry Caterpillar")

She Painted It Herself!!!

D Was A Monkey!!!
(His book was "Selling Caps")

My Little Monkey Man!!!!

It was really fun to watch them strut down the hallway, all proud! They were all so cute! I am really glad that I got to watch. So many times I feel like I miss too much because of work, so I guess that is one positive to not working right now... We may end up homeless, but at least I can see my kids' school parade! :-)

Just Another Night....

Ah... Finally peace and quiet. What an evening this has been. Homework.... lots of it. D had to make a poster about Moray Eels for school. Normally this would not be a big deal-- print out some pictures and info to read to him, but dumb ass me had not loaded the software for my printer onto my new computer... and it took me over an hour to find the frigging disk. Needless to say I was extremely irritated and stressed by the time I found it. As a result, my children have seemed extra loud and obnoxious to me tonight. I have to admit I am glad that they are now in bed.

D did a great job on his poster (I'll post a photo later). The poor boy had to constantly struggle to keep his baby sister from taking over the project though. Little A insisted on helping him cut out his pictures-- this was okay, but he had to draw the line when she grabbed his glue stick and tried to paste the pictures onto the poster board. A struggle ensued, and some paper was ripped, and Little A ended up in Time Out for quite a while. In the end, D was able to complete his project on his own, and he is very proud of it.

Meanwhile, Big A was doing her spelling homework, reading a book for her book report, and trying to learn the States and their Capitals for a test on Friday. She's in FIRST grade for crying out loud! How am I supposed to teach her all of the states and capitals in a week? Hell, I don't even know them! This homework crap is for the birds... I suspect that it will get worse before it gets better though, so I better try to get used to it.

Now I am sitting on the couch, completely wiped out. Guess I won't be folding the mountains of laundry like I planned... I'm sure that I could manage to get up and do it-- if I forced myself. But I suspect that that is not going to happen. I feel myself fading out as I write. Bed is calling to me, and I am sure I will be there within the hour. For now though, I will just sit here, listening to the rain and enjoying the quiet.

Halloween 2009.....

Our Halloween weekend was pretty fun! The kids were excited about carving their pumpkins.... of course I'm the one that does most of the carving, but I always let them pick out their own pumpkins and draw their own faces. This works out great, except that I always have 4 pumpkins to carve at one time. This year Big A insisted on drawing the face on my pumpkin as well as her own. I didn't mind... I wasn't feeling very creative anyway. Little A and D were especially excited about scraping out the "guts" of the pumpkins. It was quite a messy project.

The Friday before Halloween was fun for the adults.... Pixie and I actually got a babysitter and got to go out on a REAL DATE. We had a great time. First we got sushi at Nickimotos, then we headed to the Heaven Party at Park Tavern. We left the house on the fence about going, and we really weren't dressed for a party... but it didn't really matter. We had a great time. It was the first time in years that I have been to a Pride event. Pixie and I ended up staying up all night laughing and talking.... it was so nice to spend alone time with each other. That is something that we really need.

Saturday night was Halloween. The kids were all very excited to get dressed up in their costumes.... the two Mommies were still a bit hungover and exhausted from the night before, but we tried to be excited with them. We took them Trick-or-Treating with a large group of kids and parents that Pixie knows. There must have been 20 kids--- or at least it seemed like it. My kids had a great time.... there was much whooping and hollering and screaming going on. At the end of the night, they all had bags full of candy. We were all exhausted and wet because of the rain, but everyone was happy.

Sunday Pixie and I took the kids to the Pride Parade. This was actually the first time that I've taken them to that parade. At first they had a fun, but I think they got a bit restless as the parade went on. They were very excited to catch the pieces of candy that were being thrown from the floats though. After the parade, we walked around the festival. It was packed. It was fun until the kids got hungry, and we had to wait in line for 45 minutes for slices of pizza.... The kids were grouchy and cold... and so were we. But all in all it was a fun day... Happy Pride.

Carving Pumpkins...

Finished Product...

Proud Pumpkin Carvers...

Trick Or Treat!!!!

The Cowgirl And Her Loot...

The Mad Surgeon!!!!

My Little Barbie Witch....

The Crazy Ninja!!!!

Happy Pride!!!!!

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Two Of My Girls....

Goodbye Pride....