My issues....

I wonder about myself sometimes. I wonder why I do and say some of the things I do... Often, as I say something hurtful or mean, I know what I am about to do, but I do it anyway. There is that brief moment that I think to myself... "I shouldn't say this", but I always say it anyway. Why do I do that? I guess I really do have the subconscious need to push the people in my life away... I notice that I keep most people at arms length. If I feel that I'm getting too close or becoming attached, I immediately begin to do and say things that will push them away. I have no idea why I do it, but I know I am doing it, and I do it anyway. That is why I have never had a successful relationship, and probably never will.

Of course, none of this applies to my children. They are the anchor for me. They are the ones that let me know that I do have the capacity to love. They remind me that I am human and I do feel. The love I have for them is completely unconditional and real. I never feel the need to distance myself from them. They are what keeps me sane--- even as they are driving me crazy.... :)

Yes, I'm a mess. I realize it, but can not seem to anything about it. I sometimes wish that I could completely give myself to someone. That I could trust and truly love someone. Maybe it's myself I don't trust. I don't want to let myself be hurt, so I end up hurting myself first... Before someone else can hurt me. I think I feel myself doing that today. I just can't seem to stop myself, once I start, I keep on. I really need therapy. Unfortunately, I don't trust therapists either-- I think most are themselves insane, so that will never happen.

What's a girl to do....

Janet...

Sunday was Little A's turn for soccer pictures. She loves to have her picture taken. she was in a great mood at the game-- the first time this season that she hasn't had a meltdown. I was actually surprised because I didn't get her down for a nap before the game.

Later, it was Mommy's turn for fun... My friend Mike, and some friends, came down from South Carolina to take me to the Janet Jackson concert! We had a great time! Although, I will admit that I may have had too much to drink... Janet put on a great show... I was in the 7th row. Great seats, great show, and great friends... It was a good time.

Little A's Team Picture...

My Sweet, Silly Girl...

Boo At The Zoo And Peeing In The Park...

So far it had been a busy weekend. A fun end to a very stressful week. Thursday I had a minor breakdown... It started when I got a call from the YMCA aftercare program saying they had a problem with D. They informed me that D had pulled down his pants and peed on the playground in front of the other students. I told them that I was very sorry about that, and I would talk to him about that when I picked him up. I assured her that it wouldn't happen again. Then when I got to school to pick them up at 6:00 pm, the YMCA teacher informed me that would be suspended on Friday. I was scheduled to work on Friday, so I was, of course, very upset. I asked what I was supposed to do about childcare, and she coldly said "I don't know, he can't come here". I was livid. How can they suspend him for a simple mistake-- he's a 5 year old boy, he didn't maliciously urinate outside, he simply had to go and he went. He has no clue that that is inappropriate behavior. He does it all the time at home in the yard, and I let him, so I suppose its my fault that he did it at school.... Suspending him from aftercare punishes me not him. I was in a panic. My choices were either to call out of work (and risk getting fired) or to keep the kids out of school and take them to work with me. I don't have any emergency babysitters lined up. I was really stressed. Fortunately, a friend volunteered to pick them up for me-- she was a lifesaver. I felt really bad about putting her out that way-- hopefully I won't be in that situation again. I am going to find a new aftercare program for the kids on Monday-- Big A informed me that they often won't allow students to go to the bathroom when they need to. That may be the reason my son took matters into his own hands... I attempted to call to complain to the YMCA, but I only got voice mails-- I'm going to pay them a visit on Monday....

Friday night I took the kids to the school for Free Movie Night. They had a great time-- we sat on a blanket in the cafeteria and watched Flushed Away. The kids ate hot dogs and popcorn and saw lots of their friends. The place was packed. The PTA at the school put on the show. So far, I really like the school-- it's small and everyone seems to be really involved. Big A was so excited because she saw her teacher at the movie-- that was her big thrill of the evening.


On Saturday Big A and D had soccer pictures taken and then a game. Later in the evening, we went to "Boo At The Zoo". D was very very excited-- he has never been trick or treating before, so this as a good start to Halloween. The zoo was all decorated for Halloween, and there were activities for the kids. They had a lot of fun. They got to wear their costumes and do some early trick or treating. At about 8:30 pm, I realized that I had forgotten to feed the kids... Bad Mommy. So, we went by McD's on the way home.

Little A At The Game



Team Photo

Boo At The Zoo

Hey... A Talking Tree???

The Cheerleader, The Black Cat &

The Pirate

Happy Children

Little A Refused To Pose

Not Even With George...

She Prefers To Keep A Safe Distance

From The Characters

Dancing...

Always The Showgirl...

D Meets A Hero

I'm Smiling....

It's funny how stressful things always occur in multiples. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong yesterday. I know that's an exaggeration, but that's how it felt... The meeting at D's school (to get him in special ed) was pretty worthless--they just gave me more papers for the Pediatrician to fill out and scheduled another meeting in 2 weeks... I was late leaving work, and therefore was late picking up Big A and D from the aftercare program--thankfully, they didn't charge me extra for being late, as it was my first offence... Then, my oil light came on in the van, and when I checked it, I found that the dipstick was bone dry--it is a wonder my engine didn't lockup... I still need to take the van to the shop to have it looked at. I have no idea why it would be burning oil, and there are no visible signs of a leak. All in all yesterday sucked.

I am happy to report that today was much better. I did not get nearly as much accomplished as I would have liked, but I got some peaceful "me" time in. I had a single house call this morning, then spent the rest of the morning happily laying on the couch... Yes, I know that sounds lazy, but I desperately needed the rest.... I was actually smiling... I picked the kids up early, ran some errands, took Big A and D to soccer practice, bathed them all, fed them all, read them stories, and got them to bed all with a smile on my face... A "no stress" afternoon, what a concept... I haven't had one of those in a long time... As I sit here writing this I am not even bothered by the fact that my house is a shambles, I have to work the next few days so will have no time to clean, and I have company coming this weekend. I am still smiling.... scary isn't it!

Tuesday, But Feels Like Monday...

I found myself running late this morning and stressed out-- nothing unusual about that. I just can never seem to get it all together in the mornings. I am definitely not a morning person... No matter how early I go to bed, I just never can seem to make myself get up early. And when I do get up, I just can't seem to get myself going... It doesn't help that I have to constantly repeat myself to my kids. I must tell D to get dressed at least 20 times in the mornings-- he says "okay" and then proceeds to go on to do something else. I have no doubt that in the next few years he will be diagnosed with ADD. His attention span in next to nonexistent.

I am working at a hospital in Gwinnett today--so far it has been fairly slow. I have to take a late lunch to run back to D's school for a meeting. They want to put him in special ed. He really needs the extra help to catch up in school. I hope he gets it. He is such a bright boy, but his attention span is so short and he doesn't seem to be picking up writing as fast as he should. He really just doesn't seem to try. He picks up spoken language with absolutely no problem, but he can't even write his name. Hopefully they can get him in some classes with more individual attention. I hate to see him struggling in school, but I think eventually he will be able to catch up. I hope so anyway...

Weekend Adventures With Nana....

The kids had a great weekend. Nana came to visit. I called her in the middle of last week to beg her to come up to babysit the kids for me. She had planned to come up next weekend, but at the last minute, I found out I had been scheduled to work on Saturday, so I had to call and ask her to come early. Unfortunately, because of the scheduling mix up, the kids had to miss most of a festival that I had planned to take them to. We did get to go for about an hour, but that wasn't nearly enough time for them to do all of the activities. Needless to say, I was not happy about it. There is a reason I don't work on Saturdays--I prefer to spend my time with my children, and as a single parent, finding a babysitter for Saturdays is a real pain in the ass!!

Nana did take Big A and D to their soccer game while I was at work, so they didn't have to miss that at least. Saturday night, we all got a surprise visit from my Uncle Gene, Aunt Harriet, and cousin Mike. We ordered Chinese and caught up for a while. The kids had a great time showing off for the guests... I was nice to see them. My Mom stayed until Sunday so she could go to Little A's soccer game. The kids were sad to see her go. So was I.

Below are some photos from the weekend....

Big A, At The Family Block Party

D, Having Fun

Little A

Nana & The Big Kids

Little A Before The Game

"Go Sting!!!"

Silly D

Having Fun On The Playground

Big A Climbs The Rock Wall

Halloween Cards From Nana!!!

Drip Drop....

Life has been fairly normal and monotonous this week... although I got a not- so -nice surprise when I got home last night. I gave the children a bath, then went into my "laundry room" to start a load. I discovered water all over the floor. My washer has a leak. I knew about the leak---discovered it earlier in the week, but Theresa had attempted to fix it before she left. Apparently, she was unsuccessful... Now the leak is worse that ever. So... I attempted to work on it myself. When I say "laundry room" I really mean small closet with a stackable washer and dryer. To get to the leak requires pulling the machine out from the wall, climbing up a ladder and crawling over the top of the machine, then scaling down the back. It is a real pain in the ***. I am going to have order the part that is leaking, so in the meantime I just turned off the hot water supply to the washer. So far, that seems to have stopped the leak. Most people would simply hire a repair man to come out and fix it--not me, I'm too cheap. I also have a strong distrust for repair men. Maybe I just don't trust people in general--especially when I'm paying them...

Needless to say, I was not in a good mood last night. Really I have not been in a good mood for the last few days--probably PMS. I hope that is all it is and it passes soon. I hate when I feel this way... I have always felt a little down in the Fall. Maybe it has to do with shorter days. This weekend promises to be a busy one, so maybe I'll snap out of it.....

More Soccer Adventures....

It was a busy weekend at our house... Big A and D had a soccer game on Saturday. And Little A finally started her soccer season on Sunday!! She was so cute out there! The Sunday league practices for 30 minutes, then plays a 30 minute game. That sounds good in theory, but we are dealing with a bunch of 3 year olds on this team.... So it is not surprising that by the time the game started, the majority of the team was in tears and refused to even go out on the field---Little A included. I have to brag though that before her meltdown, she scored one of the first goals!! I learned one important lesson form this first game--- make sure Little A has a nap before practice!!! Very important. We'll see how she does next week.

Also this weekend my home study social worker came by for a home visit. My first post placement report is due to be sent to Russia in the middle of November. I have to due post placement reports every 6 months the first year post adoption, and then yearly for the first 3 years. The social worker was amazed at how well D is doing. This was the first time she met him. I thinks she expected him to be more disabled than he is. He is a very impressive little boy.

Big A At The Game On Saturday

D Gets Goes After The Ball



A Family Portrait

Little A Strikes A Pose

A Natural Soccer Player

D Entertained Himself During

Little A's Game

Then He Rolled In The Grass

Concentration

Theresa And The Kids Taking A Walk...

Weary....

Today I am tired. I know, I know... you may be thinking that I always say I'm tired. I always am. But today, I feel excruciatingly tired--- maybe a better word is weary. I am so so weary. This week has been a stressful, never ending week. Yes, it is Friday, but I still see no end in sight. Work has not been stressful. The kids have not been stressful. My relationships with the people in my life have. And anyone who knows me realizes that navigating relationships and feelings is not one of my strong points. I have always considered myself a good friend-- maybe I was wrong. I think I've really hurt a friend. I know I am a terrible girlfriend, so I have tried to avoid that type of situation-- I may be about to disrupt that aspect of my life as well... I'm not sure what I am doing lately. Unfortunately I seem to be making lives miserable. That is one thing I seem to be able to do with relative ease.

Enough whining for now. The kids and I have a pretty busy weekend coming up.... Soccer games on Saturday and Sunday. This Sunday will be Little A's first practice/game--I am excited to see her in action. I think she will be a great little soccer player. Also, I have a few social events planned for myself-- crazy. I will attempt to report more later....