MEGA Family Adventures....

Last weekend, the kids and I went camping at Lake Lanier Islands Resort as part of the MEGA Family Vacation.  I have to admit that it was not at all the trip that I had envisioned...  The idea was for all 6 of us to go as a Family...  that didn't happen.  Only 4 of us went.  Still as a Family, but a broken family... at least in my mind.  I didn't pack efficiently or well... in fact the entire trip was clouded by sadness for me...  It was so hard to meet all of these happy two-parent lesbian and gay families...  Here I was a single Mother, who didn't want to be there as a single Mother...  But, we did have fun, despite my sadness.  I met some really great people there.  Everyone was so friendly and made us feel very welcome!  I was really impressed!  The kids had an awesome time!  The water park was excellent...  I definitely want to go back.  The campground was also very nice!  Our campsite was the size of THREE sites.... the perfect place to camp!  (Although tent camping in July probably wasn't the best idea--- HOT HOT HOT)  We were right by the lake though, so that made it doable.   We went in a strangers to this group, but everyone just treated us like part of the family--- that was awesome!  There were so many kids, of all ages, having so much fun...  It was really  great.   Kim and her son K came up to hang with us Sat. evening, which was great!  I know she was tired and only came because I was in such a bad mental place--- that was so sweet.  She has really been a good friend to me , and I am lucky to have her in my life.  Hopefully, I made some new friends on this trip as well.... I tend to be a bit of a loner, and that is not good for me.  I need to open up more and expand my little world.   

This trip also gave me time to reflect on my life and what I want from it.  There are many things I need to change within myself and I am ready to do that now.  I feel a certain peace about it.  Whatever the future holds, I feel like I will make it through.  I am still full of confusion--- maybe even more so after this week, but I feel like I am ready to face this confusion.   I am ready to make my life better.  I have to deal with my demons and become a happier, stronger person.  I no longer can be the broken person that I have been all of my life.  I owe this to my children and I owe it to myself.  

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--- Anais Nin

 

 

Yesterday....

Yesterday was almost too much for me to handle.  It started off full of emotion, stress,and guilt... Then ended with sadness, numbness, and exhaustion.  How can I be sad and numb at the same time?   I'm not sure, but those were the emotions I felt.  Numbness is not a good feeling, but it sure beats complete and utter anguish...  I have not reached acceptance yet.  I'm not sure when I will, but I know I need to get there.  I'm trying... trying really hard.   Until I do, everything I do and experienced will be colored by pain and sadness.   Today I have to start planning for our camping trip.  A trip that I was so looking forward to, but is now just looming in my head as a big reminder of what I have lost.   A trip that will be colored by sadness for me.  The thought of being surrounded by a bunch of happy lesbian and gay families is not very attractive to me right now.  I told someone the other day that I don't consider my family a " lesbian family," and I can't. To me being part of a gay/lesbian family implies having two parents to raise the children.  Maybe I'm wrong, but that is the way I feel right now.   I was considering myself part of that kind of family, but now that is gone.   Right now,  the thought of seeing couples who are raising happy children together makes me feel... I don't know, hopeless?  I am trying so hard to change my thought process... trying not to withdraw back into my self and hold onto anger and hopelessness-- that is my natural tendency.   I need to change that about myself.  I am searching for the way to change it...  I want to feel hopeful for my future.  I want to feel like I can overcome this breakup and move on.  I know in my head that things like this take time, but I don't have much patience...  I want things here and now.  I don't like to wait...  That is another flaw that I have.  Another thing I have to work on within myself.   And I suppose I have to work on it alone.  No one is there to work on it with me.  No one is here to stand by me while I do it.  No one is by my side on this journey.  I do feel anger about this--- no matter how hard I try, I still feel anger.   I wish I didn't, but I do.  I really don't know how to make this journey alone, but I have to find a way....  I have to do it for me and my children.

I was thinking about how just a week and half ago, we were sitting at a restaurant celebrating our anniversary.  We both agreed that this second year would be better for us.  Happier.  I never thought that 5 days later we would be broken up.   I guess by better and happier, we meant better and happier apart.  That is not what I meant.... but I was not the only one in the relationship, so I will have to work on accepting it.  Hmm, back to acceptence.  When will that be?  I wish I could pray.  People tell me I can pray... but don't you have to believe to pray... who would I be praying to? God?, The Universe?, Myself?  Who?   I do try to pray, but I don't know to who... so I don't believe my prayers are being heard.  I never have-- for as long as I can remember.   My first memory of unanswered prayers was after my brother died---- My Mom had told me he had come to her one night, and told her that he was okay.  She was awake when it occurred.  Even now she cries when she tells the story--- so do I.  I was little then (6 years old).  I used to pray every single night that he would come to me... I missed him so much.  He never did.  I think now that maybe that was when I lost all Faith.   I was so little.  And so sad.  It wasn't fair.  Not at all.  I still mourn for that loss--- 33 years later.  The secret I've never told is that sometimes, I still ask for him to come to me.  I still look for that little boy--- I loved that boy.  When Little A was born with her heart problems, I looked into her serious little eyes and wondered if I saw him.  His name was Grayson.  He had serious little eyes too.  He was born with an old soul... his soul will always be in mine.

Adventures in Girl Scout Camp....

Today was busy busy busy--- mainly filled with driving from point A to Point B to Point C and back again.  It is worth it though to see how much Big A is enjoying Girl Scout Camp.  She will be spending the night there tomorrow... Her first overnight camp experience!  She is very very excited!  It took her forever to go to sleep!  She was so cute--- she gave me a list of everything she needed to pack for camp.  So cute!  :)   I can't believe my little baby girl is getting so big now!  She is so sweet too-- she was telling me about a girl that is in the week long overnight camp, who has been  crying everyday because she is homesick... Big A is going to bring her one of her stuffed animals to sleep with tomorrow night.  So sweet.  She is a good girl.  And I am very proud of her!   I am going to miss her too.  Even though she is spending only one night away, it seems so far... Aw, I'm really nervous about it.  She will have a great time though, I know she will.  Tomorrow afternoon she will have a horseback riding lesson, then they will have a  big cookout over the campfire, and tell stories and sing songs... I almost wish I could be there!   I remember how much fun I had when I was a kid going up to Virginia to go to Girl Scout camp with my cousin Donna!  Those were great memories--- When I think about it, I can still smell the air and the grass... the feeling of swimming in the lake ( really more like a big pond, I think)  Canoeing is Big A's favorite part--- it was mine also!  Tonight at dinner, we decided that we should take a trip up to Red Top Mountain soon to go canoeing--- a friend of mine offered to lend me her canoe, I think I'll take her up on it.  I can't wait until the kids are old enough to go white water rafting too!  I haven't been in years... I still think canoeing or tubing down a nice peaceful river is the most fun though..  Now that they are getting older, we can start having some real "adventures"... :)

Little A started her swim classes today... She was very excited about that.  We were pretty late, so the lesson was cut short, but she still had fun.  She really doesn't appear to have much fear of the water.  That is a good thing...  In general,the kids seem to be having a fun filled Summer...  God, it would be good to be a kid again--- everything is new and an adventure... the world is full of possibilities.   They are really a good team-- they really do love each other, despite the bickering that goes on between them.  Every evening they ask each other how their days went.  They even ask when they have all been at the same camp all day!   That cracks me up! 

After swimming lessons, we went to Universal Joint in Oakhurst.  They acted great!  I almost had to laugh out loud, because after all the complaining I have heard all year about their manners, they were perfectly well mannered! Hah!  They are not so bad after all.  No they are not bad, they are great!  They are my reason.  I need to remember that.  I need to wipe the last 2 years of confusion and pain away and start over.  I have really lost touch with my kids in some ways... I have been so preoccupied with attempting to save a  failing relationship, that I have put my kids on the back burner in many ways. 

Stupid.  That is all I can say about that.  No one is worth doing that for.  No one.  I am also trying to focus on the anger I feel to get me through all of this.  Why I'm even wasting my time worrying about it, I don't know. 

Anyway, enough about that... I had a great evening with my kids.  That is all that counts.  We are a good family.  And anyone who doesn't want to be a part of us... it is their loss.

Geesh.. Get A Life Nicole...

Great.  I was doing pretty good today... just cleaning and folding laundry--- going through the motions of life.  Then came the phone call.  Fortunately, I was on the phone with my Mom at the time, so I didn't answer it.  My mistake was calling back.  I don't really know what I was expecting.  What I got was idle chitchat.  Just as well, I guess there is nothing more to say... Still I wanted more to be said.  I wanted to hear " I miss you so much... I love you so much...  I want you so much... I can't live without you.... what can we do to make this work... I want to try anything..."  Something along those lines.  That is not what I got.  I know that I am not going to get that either.  Because those feelings just aren't there.  I have known that for a while now.  I just kept trying to turn a blind eye and pretend.  I kept hoping that things would work themselves out.  I kept planning for a future that I knew would not be.  I kept hoping though. Trying to believe that the fairy tale life that I wanted would happen.  Even though I knew in my soul that it wouldn't.  I have been lonely in this relationship for a while now.  You would think the transition would be easy.  Still it is not.  Before I at least had hope.  Now I don't.  We have been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  No way that can ever work.  I know that in my head.  My Mom said that we are just not compatible, so did Kim.  The only one that isn't convinced that it isn't for the best is my friend  Mike--- I think that's ironic, because he has been unfairly judged in the past.. HA!  That makes me laugh!   He's right, it is not over for me, not yet.  But it has to be.  I know this in my head.  I just wish my heart would follow suite.  It will get better with time, I know this from past experience, but only if I cut all ties.  That is going to be so so hard.  Actually impossible for the next 3 weeks anyway--- the kids are involved.  God, that was a mistake.  My Mom spent the better part of an hour chastising me about that today.  She really gave me the guilt trip... not just about mine, but about hers.  It is a shame.  What the fuck am I teaching them?!  My problem is that in order for me to try to remain sane, I need to have no contact.  But by doing that they all will suffer.  Then again, for me to even be functional for my own children-- the ones that live with me, I need to forget and get on with my life.  This is a big decision.  I know what is best for me.  Funny, what is best for me, is also worst for me.  I don't even know how to not talk to her.  All I know, is that I was fine today, and now I am sitting out on my front porch drinking a margarita and crying as I write this--- after only a 5 minute conversation.   That is fucked right up.  Thank GOD I am going to see Kim tonight.  She is like a rock--- the voice of reason.  The practical voice of reason.  The best thing is that she has been through the EXACT same thing--- and made it out the other side.  I respect her opinion. 

I told my Mom today that I had no faith.  Surprisingly she didn't flip out.  She already knows of course... she did tell me about a psalm that helped her get through her divorce with my Dad... she said that if I read it enough it would comfort me.  I will look it up tonight and I will think of the tear stained page that she told me about.  It must be such a comfort to have faith--- to not feel so alone all of the time.   She also didn't disagree when I said I wanted to move away.  I assured her that I realize that I can never move away from myself, and she said this was true but sometimes the place you live can add more stress to your life.  She told me that she prays every day for my safety while I drive so far to work... she fears for me.  I know what she means... for the last few years, I have had a feeling that I would die on the highway.  It is a fear--- not because I am afraid of death, but because I am afraid of what would happen to my children.  They need me--- even if I am a damaged person, I am the only thing they have.  I told her about my dream to live at the beach...  my dream of a simple life, a quiet life.   She actually seemed to agree with it.  Then she began reminiscing about her childhood in Myrtle Beach.   Our  conversation made me realize that my Mom has been through all  forms of Hell and back... she is alive and has wisdom that she doesn't even know she has... 

So I decided that I have to make a goal for myself...  That seems to be the only way I have survived the last 39 years... I am a person who sets unreasonable goals and reaches them.  Examples are-- going to Vet school after quitting High school, coming out as a lesbian after being in a perfectly good heterosexual relationship, having children without a partner, adopting from Russia without a partner, etc. and so for...  Some would question the wisdom of my decisions, but none would question my ability to achieve those goals...  When I really decide to do something, I do it.  Since the goal of having a lasting relationship with the one I love has fallen through, my next goal will be this.   Within the next 2 years, I will move to a small town--- hopefully near the sea, and have a simpler life.  A quiet, stress free life.  To reach this goal I will battle my inner demons and I will step up to the plate and fix the financial issues that are keeping me from this goal.  I will focus all of my energy on it--- just like I have in the past.  I have 3 children now, and I must do what is best for them--- what is best for them is to have a sane, stress free Mother.  A Mother who is present for them and them alone.  If a partner is meant to be, she (or he) will come in good time.

The Joys of Hormones............

Ah.  Today I feel like I'm coming out of a coma.  Most of yesterday was just a blur.  I had a migraine--- a real one... this first time I have had one in 27 years... I got them regularly when I was a child.  Horrible migraines that would last 2 or 3 days... My Mom would finally take me to the hospital where they would inject me with a drug and keep me overnight until it was completely gone.  I once spent a week in the hospital when I was 10 having all sorts of tests performed on my brain--- my main memory of it was all the presents that I got.  I remember some of the children there too-- a boy with a badly burned face, a girl that my Mom said was dying-- she had been there a very long time... there were cards plastered all over her hospital room walls.  There was also a child in an oxygen tent--- my Mom told me that was what my brother had lived in in the hospital.  I know I shared a room with someone, but I don't remember that child at all.   In the end they found no brain lesions-- they decided my triggers were Red dye, MSG, Bright lights, and stress...  From then on I had to wear sunglasses in the snow--- in the Tennessee mountains it snows a lot.  The last migraine I got was when I was 12 years old and my Uncle Glen died on the beach at a family reunion in front of us all.  My cousin Kim had a seizure that night, and I got a migraine.  All the other children just cried and had bad dreams...  That was also the last beach family reunion we ever had...  Pawley's Island, SC.

MSG still gives me a whopping headache... but nothing like yesterday's.  I think I knew it was coming--- a few days before, I had a couple of episodes where I completely lost the vision in my left eye for a few seconds.   Must have been an aura.  When I was a child, I would get sparkles in my eye.  The headache is still lurking--- my eye feels tender and tired and if I move my head too fast I feel pain.   But I don't feel like I am dying and my nausea has gone away.  I am not happy that they have come back... I think the triggers were stress and hormones.  For the last few years I have been getting bad PMS headaches, but nothing like this.  First thing next week I am going to get some health insurance and get some medicine to keep on hand in case this happens again.  At one point I thought I was dying--- I wanted my Mommy.. I wanted someone to come take care of me....  but there was no one.  Oh well, I survived.  It was just a migraine-- I forgot how bad they hurt!!!  Many people suffer from them regularly, I feel so sorry for them.  At least the drugs available for them are better now--- the pills I took as a kid would literally knock me out for a couple of days.  I wonder what they were...

God was with me I guess, because during the worst of it Kate called and invited Big A to go swimming with them... here husband took them to the pool, the park, fed Big A and kept her over for a movie.  My other two just sat in the living room watching TV all day while I slept.  I was so proud of them, because they got out some toys to play in the living room, and when I got back up, they had put them away in the EXACT right spots.  The playroom was spotless.  The living room was spotless.  And I didn't even ask them to do it--- they did it all one their own!!!  I DO have good kids!!!  Little A came in periodically to check on me-- I could feel her breath on me and touch me... maybe to see if I was alive.  I couldn't open my eyes or talk to her.  She just touched me and walked out of the room.  I had made bagel bites and left them on the stove... they had to feed themselves lunch...  I never heard a sound from them.  Maybe God was with me.

Last night, I put on a movie for us all to watch--- I finally caved in and bought a new DVD player the other day... our third one in a year!!!  We watched "9" in the dark--- Little A was so proud of herself because  "I didn't have to hide my eyes one time!"  And the movie was a bit scary! :)   At bedtime D told me he was scared and asked me to sleep with him--- so I did.  He feel asleep with his head on my chest.  He feels and smells like a little baby when he sleeps.  His hot little head smells so good when it is clean.  When I finally got up and went to bed, I played with our little kitten for a while... He sleeps right next to my head every night--- after he spends about an hour pouncing on me!  Sometime during the night he scratched me under my eye... oh well, kittens will be kittens...

I intended to try to go to Greenville today, but it is already 10:30, and I'm still not feeling the best, so I don't think it is gonna happen.  Too bad, I really wanted to go--- I still may.  I'm gonna lay back down and nurse my head for a few minutes... then we'll see.

The Family Curse.....

My dreams were horrible... awful.  I was desperately trying to save my relationship.  Fighting a battle that I had no way to win.   Pixie was leaving me--- she was in love with two other people-- torn between the 3 of us.  The other two were MEN.  One of the men was the one she really wanted.  I knew this, but I was trying to hold on.. I was heartbroken.  There was no way that I could compete with this man.  He was a man and I am a woman.  No way to change that.   No way for me to win.  It was horrible.  Just by being ME, I was the wrong one.  Ironic.

The pounding in my head is getting worse.  Through out the night I felt it.  It could be hormones, but I think it is the inner turmoil.  The me that feels doomed fighting the hopeful me.  Trying to reach back into the past to overcome my demons, has caused my body to revolt.  My psyche is wrecking my health.  No matter how much I say to myself  "It will be okay, It will be okay, It will be okay...."  The feeling of fear and panic still seems to win.  I am alone. To take care of me... to take care of my children... to take care of my life.   I don't want to be alone.  I don't want it. I think back and I have always been alone.  As a child I felt alone... as a teenager I felt alone... as an young adult I felt alone... now at almost forty, I feel alone.   Every one seems amazed at how much I have accomplished alone--- DVM, veterinary career, two biological children, one child adopted from Russia, etc...  " How do you do it alone?"  I get asked that all of the time.  The answer is simple..... I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!!!   It is not what I want!  It is what I thought I wanted, but I was wrong.  Careful what you wish for Nicole.

This morning I opened a thread on Facebook between some of my cousins... it concerned my Uncle.  A big topic in our family the last few years...  This was my answer to the question:

  " NICOLE OSBORNE July 17 at 8:05am

I will say that none of us will probably ever find out the whole truth. I honestly think that both Kenny AND Jeanie went off the deep end right into the land of crazy.... they have both used their children as pawns in their little stupid war. I believe Kenny had a little "mid-life" crisis and now he's paying the price--- baby, limited access to his grandchildren, no relationship with his daughters, etc... But Jeanie has spread horrible rumors (whether they are true or not will never be known) about Kenny and has alienated him fr his retarded daughter. They are both at a war that will probably never end. It is sad, but the only ones to blame are Kenny AND Jeanie. Our family has a genetic predisposition to mental illness--- we all know that. I especially do! :) So what if Kenny lost his mind... the tragedy is that instead of being there for him, and trying to help him, his entire family has turned against him and villianized him. What those people need to remember ( but they won't) is how much he has helped them throughout the years-- not just his immediate family, but all of us.... he has given his money and time to many of us at one time or another throughout our lives... he has given All the members of MY immediate family free legal advice at one time or another, and he has paid for numerous family reunions for us all. He was always one of the mainstays of our family.... he and Margaret were the ones who valued the importance of our roots. Yet when he finally "lost" his mind (like we all seem to do eventually), no one was there to support him... instead they judged him. None of the people who are throwing stones at him have the slightest room to. We all live in glass houses... It is a shame that this has happened. I bet when Kenny finally dies, there will be a long line at the reading of his will. I just have to shake my head at the whole thing. All the "Christians" in our family are so quick to judge... and crucify... ironic. "

My family tree is full of pain and anguish.  Mental and physical.  For me it is on both sides.  How do I overcome it?  How do I get past it?  I am trying to find the way to break the cycle.  Some days I feel hopeful...  Lately those days are few and far between...  My Dad used to talk about " The Osborne Curse".  He used that term to mean how women swooned... Haha.  He would look in the mirror at himself and say   "God, I look good!  It's the Osborne curse!"  And we would all laugh!  He was right.. there is an Osborne Curse... and a Robinson Curse....  That curse is the genetic predisposition to depression and addiction.  It is real and present in so many of my family--- including me.   I have lived with it for my entire life and I have passed it on to my children.  I have to find a way to break that curse.  I have to for my children.  It may be too late for me.... God I hope not!!  But I cannot bare to see my children suffer and feel alone for the rest of their lives, like I do.  I want them to be happy.  I want me to be happy.  I do not want to be my Father or my Mother or my Uncle... I do not want to give up and give in.... although at times it seems that that would be the easiest thing to do.  My Father gave up-- and died.  My Mother has given up--- she just seems to exist now.  My Uncle gave up-- he lives as the family villian, so many others have given up as well.  I must find a way to overcome it.  My answer has been a pill --- now that pill no longer seems to work.  Circumstances in my life are not good.  The fairy tale life I wanted is not materializing.  I seem to be fighting a battle I can't win.  I do NOT want to give up though.  I feel the need to run.  I am aware that running will not let me escape myself, but I want to run anyway.  I want things to be easy, but things will never be easy.  I don't think that is my place in life to have things easy.  I need to accept that and fight the hard battle.  For my children.  I wish I could have faith, I wish I could have faith, I wish I could have faith.....  I have lived for 39 years without it.  It would be so nice to feel safe within my faith like so many others seem to.... But I suspect that that is not my lot in life.  I have to find another way to win the war within myself.  And if I must do it alone, I will do it alone.

Thunder....

I'm sitting here in the dark, listening to the thunder and the wind.  I am feeling so heavy. Empty. Maybe that is a better word to describe it. Alone.  Things are not going the way I want them to in my life.  I am not even sure what I want anymore.  Defeated. That is what I feel tonight.  Defeated by what?  Me? Life? Fate? Circumstance? Her? Him?  Who? I don't know.  I want a life that I cannot have.  I want the storybook family.  I want a partnership. I want passion.  I want to be wanted... needed... loved... cherished.  I want things to be easy and fluid.  I want the connection to be unbreakable.  I want my thoughts and dreams to be respected and acknowledged.  I want so many things...  I don't want to be alone.  I want to have fun and laugh and cuddle and hug and kiss and make love and watch the sunrise and the sunset.... and marvel at the beauty of it all.... I want to watch the children play, grow, laugh, and run.  I want to cookout and camp and travel to the beach. To the west. Travel the world.  I want to grow old with someone by my side.  I want to wake up next to the one I love every day of my life.  I want a simple life.  I want the stress to go away.  I want the clouds to lift.  I want to be blessed all the days of my life.  I want to be loved. 

If I could pray, that is what I would pray for.....

Being Alive....

Wow. I was just looking at a friend's page on Facebook, and it occurred to me how fast time flies... She has a daughter the same age as Little A, and I was thinking how grownup the little girl looks.  Then I realized that my little girl will be 5 years old in just a month.  FIVE! How can this be?  She still seems like such a baby to me!!  It is strange how sometimes things like that can just hit home in a shocking way.  Of course I know she's going to 5, I say it all the time... but the actual realization of it tonight took me by surprise. Weird.  It just seems so crazy that it has been half a decade since my baby girl was pulled from my body...  Before long it will be a whole decade, the a quarter of a century, and I will look up and see a grown woman in front of me.  And I will wonder where all the time went.

I realized today that I spend the majority of my time looking forward to the weekend.  Because, of course, I get two days in a row off from work.  The problem is that each weekend means another week of my life has passed me by... a week that I have spent the majority of my time looking forward to its end.  That just doesn't seem like the best strategy for enjoying life....  It seems like most people spend most of their time mindlessly working to make a living... it seems like life just passes by without notice.  Unfortunately all of the things that I truly love to do, and that truly make me enjoy life, do not have a thing to do with my job.  Bummer.  I think I need to find a way to enjoy each day... how, I am not sure.  My current lifestyle is not cutting it at all.  Not one bit.  What to do... hmm.  This one will take some work to figure out.  A career change?  Probably not, I don't have a clue what else I could do to make a living.  I just don't know.   I do know one thing, I need to find a way to BE ALIVE every day of  the week.  And enjoy living each day, find passion in life, instead of just plowing through the week in hopes of something fun to happen at the end....

The Teepee Tent....

 So last week, I bought myself two presents.... one was a new video camera, and I also bought a new tent!  Last night, we put the tent up for a minute... to see what it looked like.  I didn't leave it up for long though, because it was supposed to rain.  The kids were very excited and cannot wait to camp in it soon!  Maybe we will camp in the backyard sometime this week.  We did read a little story out there last night though...




New Tent --- from Nicole Osborne on Vimeo.

Fireworks!!!

Tonight I took the kids to Avondale Estates to see the fireworks show... It was a sort of spur of the moment outing, but I am so glad we went.  We met Kim and her family... kids, sister, sister-in-law, etc.  I had a great time.  It was so nice to hang with them... they are so laid back and nice.  The kids had a great time burning sparklers and popping poppers.  And Little A, as usual, found a woman to become infatuated with... she spent quite a while playing with the poor lady's hair.  The lady didn't seem to mind though... it was so cute.  It was just a relaxing evening.  Something I have not had much of lately.  Something that I really need more of.  The fireworks show was actually very good.  I found myself mesmerized by it a couple of times... the kids were mesmerized too.  No stress, no arguments, just a chill time.  I am really glad I went.  Lately I have been needing a hug.... and hanging out tonight felt like that hug.


I tried to take photos of the fireworks, but I am having to use my old camera, which has a terrible delay, so I kept missing the good shots... Oh well, they really were impressive fireworks---maybe because we had such a closeup view of them.  I will definitely have to keep this fireworks show in mind for next year.