A New Year Approaches....

As the New Year approaches, I am trying to focus on how I can make changes in my life for the better.  This past year has not been the best... actually the last two or so years have been a real struggle for me.  Many people are in the same boat.. crappy economy, poor job market, etc...  Things have been hard all around the country.   This coming year, I have got to really take some steps to get my life back in control...  I have let the ball drop in many aspects of my life.  I want to be happy and healthy and get control over my financial situation.   I am 40 years old and it is time to really figure out where I want to be in my life.  I have gotten very overwhelmed this past year... struggling with raising 3 children on my own, trying to make a living, juggling way too much, etc.   I have exhausted myself--- mentally, emotionally, and physically.  And it is time to stop and reevaluate.  It is time to take steps to find my happiness again.  To take what I need from life and embrace it, and I need to purge what is not good for me.   I feel like I have been in a rut for some time now--- just going through the motions of life, not really getting anywhere.  I am going to pull myself out of this rut, and start enjoying life again.   I have a long list of things that I need to change within myself and my life... too long to really list here, and some of them are too private.   But I need to make these changes.  And I will.  This New Year will be a better one.

Christmas 2010

Wow.  A month since I've written...  I guess I've just been so caught up in getting ready for the Holidays that I haven't taken the time to chronicle our adventures...  December has been BUSY.  Work is work...  This job has been very mentally taxing lately--- for some reason, I seem to be getting a series of extremely complicated internal medicine cases lately... no easy fixes.  Things like a simple "new kitten exam" have turned into a very sick kitten with FIP... sad.  Especially because the owner is a little girl.   Never a happy diagnosis to make.  The practice manager called me Dr. Kevorkian the other day... yay. :(  I have to admit that it is refreshing to actually have to think about cases again...  I've been out of vet school so long, that I have found myself in a rut...  giving vaccines all day gets pretty boring...  But complicated pancreatitis cases, diabetic dogs with possible Lupis, and dogs with metastic lung lesions do pose a challenge.  I've been keeping the internal medicine specialists busy lately...  Too bad I didn't specialize.

The other big thing that has occurred (besides Christmas) since I last posted, is that I am now 40!  Offically middle aged.  Yikes.  I keep realizing this and wondering when I will start to feel like a grownup.  My body is definitely feeling its age... in fact my body feels more like it is 60...  My skeletal system is whacked.  Aches and pains and cracks and pops are occurring all over the place.  But my mind just doesn't feel quite 40 years old.  I'm not really sure how a person in their forties should feel though...   This decade I hope to make some things come together.  I hope to make some lasting decisions about my career and about where I want to end up living.    I am definitely ready for some changes.  The first change I need to make is with my health.   I need to start eating better and exercising more-- who am I kidding, I need to start exercising period.   I haven't worked out in years....  Time start back up.  I have already cut way way back on my alcohol intake--  I seldom even have a glass of wine these days.  But my nicotine consumption needs some work.  I need to quit smoking. Period.   That is for sure going to be the biggest challenge I face.   Ugh.  Just thinking about it makes me want a cigarette!  Hahaha!

I did have a great surprise Birthday Party though.  I knew something was going on, but wasn't sure what...  Pixie planned the entire thing....  It was very fun! :)

Christmas was great as well.  Santa was very good to the kids!   Big A was pretty impressed, she said Santa brought way more than they asked for.  She was very appreciative of every gift...  D, however, is still feeling the need to compare everything he got to what other kids got... grrr...  Hopefully he will grow out of this bad habit.  Little A just played and played and played with her Barbies.... anything Barbie makes that girl happy.  It was a nice quiet Christmas for us...  The kids and I just spent the day being lazy...  Well they played and I lazed around.   It was nice.  Pixie and J came over late in the day to have Christmas dinner with us.  Fun.  All in all it was a quiet, restful weekend.

Thanksgiving 2010....

Silly children live in my house.  At this very moment, they are enjoying a Curious George movie on PBS.  I know this because they are laughing hysterically...  Cute.   We had a good Thanksgiving with Pixie's family yesterday... ate until we were STUFFED!   I love love love Thanksgiving food.  The cooking part, not so much, but it is worth it in the end.  What a great excuse to overeat!   Afterward we came home and watched Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving Special---  I vegged on the couch instead of being productive.   Too much food in my belly for anything more than sitting on the couch to occur.

The Holidays always make me nostalgic--- I suppose everyone gets that way.   Yesterday I was remembering the Thanksgivings of my childhood.  We always went to Charlotte to have a big family get-together at my cousin Wendell's house.  All of the cousins, aunts, and uncles would come...  There was always a TON of food and a TON of kids.  It was a good time.  We used to have a lot of big family gatherings back then.  Those are the best memories I have of growing up.  Now the family has fragmented and moved on.  The old generation of Matriarchs/Patriarchs have all died.  My Mom's generation has grown tired of travel, and my generation have scattered and have no money/time to organize such events.  My children do not know most of their cousins.  They won't have the memories that I have.  It is too bad really.  There are a HUGE amount of children around the same age that could/should be growing up together-- getting into trouble and making memories.   It is really a shame.   Two years ago we had a big family cookout at my cousin Bryan's house, and it was very very fun, but it didn't last long enough.  Last summer my cousin Bryan and I batted around ideas for a reunion weekend, but it never got off the ground....  Maybe we will try again next summer...  I think that it would be so much fun to have a beach reunion like we did when I was a kid--- all go in together to rent a house-- pile in and just chill.   Of course my memories of those beach reunions were simply filled with playing and swimming with my cousins--- not of the money spent or the work done by the adults....  My perspective of those gatherings may not be so pleasant had I been one of the adults watching all of those kids! :)  Still, I think it would be fun and worth the effort.   I enjoy being around a lot of kids playing and running amok--- as long as they are not in MY house... :)

Anyhow, the Holidays are officially here!  Time to start getting in the Christmas spirit!  Shit, time to start SHOPPING!!!  Yikes, there is a lot to do, and I haven't even begun.....

Just Do It...

It's raining today... hard and steady.   That sort of changes my plans for the day.  But maybe it will be a good thing.   Maybe I will actually stay in and get my house cleaned and organized today.  Of course, I am taking a minute to sit here, finish my cup of coffee and write on this blog.   Hopefully when I am done, I will get right to work and accomplish some things!  I'm feeling a bit better than I did yesterday... I was kind of down in the dumps about life.  Today I have decided to really think about my goals in life and begin taking the steps to reach them.   My most immediate goal, however, is to get my house straight and organized....  Haha, that should take about a year! The laundry is looming also, and since I have not fixed my washer, I will be making another trek to the laundromat at some point today...  THAT is not going to be pleasant in the rain! 

Anyway, I have got to get myself out of this funk that I have been in, and make the best of my situation.  Afterall, I DO have a job-- even if it is not my ideal job.  I DO have a home-- even if it is an utter trash pit right now.  I DO have wonderful children -- even if they drive me nuts sometimes.  I DO have a good life!  I need to enjoy it!  I need to remember what is important to me and not worry about the things that are not working as well as I want them to right now.   I will make the changes that I want to make, but I have to take things one step at a time.  I have stop letting myself get bogged down by focusing on everything at once...  It has paralyzed me.   I cannot let that happen.   I have let myself get overwhelmed.  I need to break things down into more manageable pieces.  Clean the house. Fix my credit. Get D caught up on his Doctor visits.  Register for the classes I need to take.  Network.  Get health insurance.  Eat better.  Take care of my body.  Take care of my mind.  Spend quality time with my children.  Fix my washer! Etc.   These things are not listed in order of importance...  I just need to break things down into more manageable bits.   Then I need to actually DO them.   My To Do List is long and overwhelming.   I have just got to stop allowing myself to be overwhelmed by it.  Instead of thinking about it, I need to get up off my butt and DO IT.  Okay, here I go....  Wish me luck! :)

More Musings From An Overworked Mom...

I truly think my son has the loudest voice in the history of voices...  Every time he opens his mouth a yell, screech or scream comes out.  In regular conversation, I must say hush, be quiet, talk quietly at least a hundred times.  I wonder how many times I actually say things like this in a day?  I'm not even sure he knows what these words mean.  His whisper is even loud!  Sometimes I wonder if he has hearing loss.  I have had his ears checked though, and he seems to hear fine.  Once he did have an ear that was clogged up with wax-- pretty digusting, but maybe I should take him back to the doctor again and have his ears cleaned.  In fact, I think I will go today and invest in an ear candle--- do it myself.   I have an otoscope... I should look in those ears myself...  He is being particularly loud today.   In fact he is exuberant--- both in actions and voice.    So, I am sitting out on the front porch... hiding.   

There was no sleeping in for me, of course....  I have been up since 7 am...  Thanks to my two younger kids.  Big A is at a friends house (she spent the night), so there is that.   At least there are only two of them--- but those two are the ones that take the most work.  They take a LOT of work in fact.  They both wake up ready to wreak havoc on the house and my nerves...  But they are both extremely cute, so I guess I'll keep them! :)  Right now, the TV is on... that should appease them for a while...  I hope.

I had to take them to work with me yesterday, and they were surprisingly good.  Most of the day they sat quietly and watched movies while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I HATE working on Saturdays.   Honestly, I have to wonder about my decision to take this job.   My intention was to learn, but that has not materialized yet.   I am working more days, for less pay per day.  Hmm.   I thought the experience would make up for that, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way.   I have been sick more times than I can count this Fall--- this is unusual for me.   I am riddles with structural issues-- neck, back, etc., but my immune system has always been great.  I have always been able to fight off a cold with ease...  Not this year, every little "bug" that comes through seems to attack and win.   My energy feels zapped by the end of the day, and it takes all that I can muster just to feed my kids and get them ready for bed.  My desire for romance has pretty much disappeared, which may be for the best because I have no time for romance.  But still it is kind of sad.   I have withdrawn from all of my friends... haven't talked to anyone in months.   I don't even talk to my Mom like I used to.   I just come home from work --- get the kids in bed and fall asleep... dreaming of a different life.   My weekends are either filled with kid activities or semi-cleaning...  For instance, I should be up cleaning right now, but I can't seem to muster the energy to do it.   I don't mind the kid activities...  I just wish I had the energy to enjoy them.   I am looking at the sun's rays falling on the trees, and all I want to do is sit here and "veg".   It is like I am trying to come out of a fog--- the fog of work...  I always feel hung over on the weekends--- it takes me a whole day to recover, then I spend the next day trying to play catch up with my house----  I never do catch up.  Then it's back to work, and my energy gets sucked out all over again.   There must be a better way.  What is it?   My biggest thrill in life right now is watching "Dexter" every week!  That is kind of sad really.  The Holidays are coming up, and normally I get excited and plan fun things for us to do...  This year, I am not getting in the spirit.  And I don't like this feeling.  I want to be excited about something!  I really just don't have emotion about much right now...  I feel sort of numb about life.  Really just tired about life. 

My Birthday is coming up soon.  I will be 40.  Most people get excited about this milestone Birthday--- they plan parties or celebrations of some kind, but I just am not feeling it.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  In fact, I just sort of wish that it would never come.   I think that I am sort of having a "mid-life" crisis.  I think that the fact that I am about to be 40, and I am at the same stage of career as I was when I was 30 in pretty depressing.  I'm back to working for someone else...  I should already own my own hospital.  I should be well on my way to planning for my retirement.  I should feel settled and happy in my environment.  Instead, I want to leave...  I want a change of environment.  I want to change my life.  I want to live in a peaceful, quiet place, far from the traffic and stress of Atlanta.  I want to go and raise my children in a small town--- a real community.  I want to live by "the sea" (as my Son would put).  I want my kids to have sun-kissed skin and bleach blond hair and learn to surf and crab and fish....  I want to know my neighbors and be active in my community... active in the school... have time to relax and enjoy my children.   Oh well, maybe these are dreams that just aren't available for a single Mother.   Maybe I should just settle for what I have and stop pining away for some dream life that is never going to be possible.  But, then again, I have to have something to strive for, right?  So I guess I will go on dreaming about it, and I will try to find a way to make this happen...   Maybe it will someday, who knows.   I was able to realize my dream of being a Mother, so why couldn't I realize my dream of a peaceful, quiet, happy life?  There is nothing stopping me, but myself.   I have to formulate my plan and stick to it.  I have to continue to visualize and maybe I can make it reality.   Okay, now I think I have talked myself down from the ledge of self-doubt... at least for a while.  Now I have to go clean the horrible mess that the dog just made in the house while I was out here writing this!   Anyone want a Doberman?  I just may pay someone to take her!!!!

More Misadventures...

There are never enough hours in the day...  Yesterday was a prime example of that.  I had way too much scheduled... not by choice, just by circumstance.   The school's Fall Festival was yesterday, then cam Big A's last soccer game, followed by Little A's end of the season soccer party, next was D's Cub Scout popcorn sale pick up (which I completely forgot to do), and finally, a potluck at my neighbor's house.   I was exhausted by the time I came home last night.  I didn't remember the popcorn thing until I woke up at 6 am with the realization in my head...  Oops.  Later today I have to call and apologize--- they stressed in several emails the importance of picking up the damn popcorn on Nov. 6.....  Oh well.  So Sorry.   I don't think I would have made it over there in time anyway... Little A's party ran long.   All I can say is that I am glad Nov. 6 is over.  

Also, I took my frustration and stress out on Pixie yesterday.  I got angry and yelled at her when I shouldn't have.  I guess I jumped to conclusions and didn't listen to her...  So now she is mad.   I don't really have an excuse for getting angry.   I let the stress of the events of this last week get to me, and I lashed out at her.  Several things happened last week that caused me a lot of mental stress, but that was no excuse for me to lash out at her.  I have apologized.  Hopefully, she will forgive me for getting mad at her.  She was only trying to help.   I have got to learn to control my temper.   I tend to bottle things up and then explode at the wrong people.   That is my "challenge"... or I should say flaw.  I've been doing better... just not yesterday.  I'm sorry Pixie.

The biggest issue last week involved how D was treated on Thursday by the other kids...  his sisters and the babysitter's son.   I really don't want to write about the details now.  It makes me so angry.   I told the other Mothers at the potluck the story last night, and they were angered as well.   I think (hope) my girls have realized that their actions toward their brother were wrong and will NOT be tolerated, I just hope the other child involved has consequences.   If this happens again, there will be Hell to pay.   Big A was not allowed to have a sleepover last night with her best friend because of her part in bullying her brother.  She handled it well.  She didn't even argue about it.  Unfortunately her friend was not so understanding... she extremely disappointed to say the least.   I just can not and will not tolerate bullying in my house---- especially by siblings.   I hope that my girls realize this... I think Big A does, but Little A is hard to read.  She has absolutely no impulse control and is easily influenced.  Sometimes I feel like talking to her is like talking to a wall....  She does have compassion and empathy, but she also has a violent streak...  She has always developed and matured in a "different" way than other children.  She is somewhat of an enigma... She marches to her own beat--- since birth.   She has puzzled me and worried me from the minute she was born, and I suspect she always will.  I have said before that each one of my three children exponentially personifies different character "challenges" that I possess... maybe it is God's little payback to me...  I don't know, but I definitely have my hands full with this brood.   I have a hard enough time trying to deal with my own flawed personality.   We are all a work in progress in this household.... that is for sure.   But, I am up for the challenge.   I have to be.  There is no choice in the matter.  I can't run from myself, and I certainly can't run from my children.   I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend that things are perfect...  I simply have to do my best....

Our Chipmunk Adventure....

What a strange day it has been...  It started off just like a normal, cold and rainy Wednesday...  I made it to work only a few minutes late  ( usually I'm at least 20 minutes tardy), and my appointment schedule was not too hectic.  Then lunchtime rolled around.  I headed home to get some cleaning done in the house and check on the dogs.  I was chitchatting with my Mom on the phone when I pulled up to the house.  I noticed my cat on the front porch with a chipmunk in her  mouth.  I chose to ignore it. (usually I chase her down, make her turn the victim loose, scold her, and make her go inside)  But this time, because I was talking to my Mom, I just went to the side door and opened it...  Before I could even step into the playroom, my killer cat darted in between my legs, with the live chipmunk in her mouth, and dropped it right on the floor!! Before I could react, the chipmunk took off running into the house and disappeared.  The dumb cat just sat there!   Of course I let out a few choice curse words, and as my Mom scolded me for cursing, I ran through the house trying to find the little creature...  No sign of it.  I sat on the couch in shock, attempted to eat, and listened to my Mom discuss my Baby Brother's wedding plans.  The whole time I was wondering how the Hell I was gonna find the damn chipmunk...  A few minutes passed and I heard squeeking coming from the other room.  I followed the sound into D's bedroom.  My  other cat (Finn) was sniffing under the dresser, so I got the flashlight and found the little chipmunk cowering under the dresser.  I decided to try to catch it with a tupperware box.  By now my dumb killer cat (Lyla) had joined the hunt again.  I carefully positioned my box and used a broom handle to round the chipmunk up.  For a brief second, I had him trapped in the box...  But as I was trying to close the lid, one of the cats tried to pounce and the chipmunk got away!  He ran behind D's bed....  D does not have an ordinary bed--- It is a boat shaped bed that is very heavy and difficult to move.   I looked with the flashlight and saw the little creature wedged between the wall and the bed... far out of my reach.  By now my lunch break was over and I had to head back to work.  So I attempted to barricade the doorway of the room ( long ago I took off all the doors in the house-- maybe it is time to put them back on... hm), and I left the little invader in the house.

The rest of the day I wondered what was going on with the chipmunk... were the cats killing him in my house?  Would I come home to a dead carcass on the floor?  Would he run out to scare the kids and the babysitter?  How would I ever be able to catch him?  Would he just curl up and die somewhere in the house and start to stink?  I visualized him running across our beds while we tried to sleep...   I was not happy to say the least.  

When I got home from work, the kids and I tried to find him for a while.  No sign of him.  Then I bathed them, fed them, and we all sat down on the couch for a story.   We were just enjoying a good part of the book (Matilda by Roald Dahl), when into the living room came Tiger (my 3rd cat) with the chipmunk in him mouth! He dropped it right at my feet... it was a bit dazed, but it scampered behind the couch.   The kids jumped up and helped me shoo it out from under there.   I attempted to catch it again, but it was too fast.  It ran into the playroom.   We then made a barricade at the door with foam mats .  Each kid held a piece of mat, and we surrounded the shelf he had run under.  I opened the side door, and we attempted to chase the chipmunk out.   It took a few tries, but we finally did it!  The chipmunk ran outside, and D slammed the door behind it!!!  Afterward, D wiped his brow and said "Whew! That was hard!"   We all high-fived each other and had a pretty big laugh about our little adventure with the chipmunk....  Glad he made it out alive...  When I was putting D to bed tonight, he told me he had named our chipmunk visitor Alvin...  It is definitely a fitting name for the little guy.. he was a tough little rascal... Hope he lives to see another day... And I definitely hope he doesn't visit again....

Photos From Appletree 2010.....

The Campground...

Very Pretty....

View From Our Campsite

Our Tent!!!

Happy Little A!!!!

The Leaves Were So Beautiful!!!

Saturday Morning...

Breathtaking Trees

One Big Family....

Little A Took A Tumble....

Going On A Hike...

My Girls....

My Boys...

Too Cute!!!

Jungle Girls...

Exploring The River...

Contemplation...

Mommy And Son...

Irish Twins

Indian Princess

Exploration

Little A's Second Tumble Of The Day...

Pixie And D...

Two Happy Girls...

"Mountain" Climbing

Dirty Adventures...

Home Sweet Home

Camp!!!

Cozy!!!

The Boys Made Trail-Mix!!!

Yummy!!!!!

Goin' Fishin'

Silly D...

Making Coffee...

Saturday Evening Cookout!!!

Campfire!!!

Sleepy D....

Waiting For The Skits...

Retiring The Flag Ceremony

Skit Time...

D's  Acting Debut....

Goodbye Appletree... See Ya Next Year!!!

Driving Through The Mountains...

Breathtaking...

Gorgeous!!!

Back In Atlanta...  All Too Soon...