My Holland....

Lately I have been more than a bit overwhelmed by the chaos that is my life. When I planned on becoming a parent, I like everyone, had a vision of what it would be like... a plan... a story book fantasy of my life.  Of course fantasy and reality are seldom the same.  And so, I have often found myself struggling to keep my life in control and to keep my head above water.  I have been blessed with three wonderful, beautiful children, and the reality is that each of these children have issues and struggles that test me everyday.  I have been blessed with three very very "challenging" children--- each challenging in a different way.  This should be of no surprise to me, because, I am a "challenging" person myself...  But, of course, I fantasized about having three darling, perfect little angels instead of "mini-me"s...  It is okay though... I just have to breath and accept that my reality is going to be different than my fantasy.  That is not always bad.  I guess it is the challenges that make us stronger people.  I love my children more than anything in this world, and despite my fears, stress, and disappointment at having to deal with issues that I never imagined I would have to deal with, I would not change my decision to be a Mother to them.  I always have loved the essay below, and, although it is written by a Mother of a child with Down Syndrome, I think it applies to any Mother with a child who is different...

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome To Holland".
"Holland?!?" you say, "What do you mean "Holland"??? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy"
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned".
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.

It's Getting Hot Out Here.....

Oh the summer is off to a hot start!  Yesterday morning, I almost passed out working in the yard.  For a minute, I seriously thought I was having a heat stroke.  My head started pounding and the trees started spinning a bit.  Fortunately, after a rest and a LOT of water, I was able to get back to work.  That would not be a good way to die---  People would ask " How did your Mother die?"  They would reply " Well, her head exploded while mowing the lawn.... It was her own fault, she had a perfectly good riding mower, but she never got around to having it repaired..."  And D would probably pipe in " And she promised to take us swimming, but she dropped dead first... NO FAIR!"  The children would probably find me out there and poke me with sticks--- like they do all the dead animals they find in the yard.  They might even cover me with grass shavings and say that they buried me.... like they did the dead snake.  Hopefully Little A wouldn't turn me over to see "its white belly" first.  For some reason, she loves to look at dead snake bellies....  " they awr so shiny and white".

The kids had a pretty fun weekend though.  Friday night we went to the Decatur Beach Bash.  Saturday morning  they went to a fishing tournament... although, I seemed to be the only one fishing.  I caught two fish for D, and one fish for J.   Big A caught her own little fish, but wouldn't take it off the hook.  And Little A spent the whole tournament talking to the adults on the pier.  J (Pixie's son) won 3rd prize for a fish that he caught himself though!   He was very proud!  It was cute.  Now all my kids want fishing poles!  I have to admit, it was fun!  But I still felt sorry for the poor little fishies...  they looked so cute swarming after the bait... then one would get caught on the hook, and be yanked out of the water and have to go through the torture of slowly suffocating while it was being measured and weighed...  Then it would get thrown back into the water, where it most probably died a slow death from it's wounds.  Morbid.   Maybe I should change the story... that's what we humans like to do.  "The sweet little fishy was freed from the hook and sent back home to live happily ever after with all of its little fishy friends...."  Okay, I think I have just talked myself out of ever being able to go fishing again...  Poor little fish.  But, still, it was fun.

Yesterday I finally got the new pool I bought set up.  It is 16 ft by 42 in...  It took forever to fill.  The kids got to swim in the icy cold water for about 30 minutes in the evening... they couldn't stand any more.  It will be warmer by tonight though.  I promised them to take them in when I get home from work tonight.   After we all froze in the pool, we went to eat Mexican at Los Bravos.  It was nice having a little family dinner just the 4 of us.  They act so much better when it's just us.  I still can't figure that out.  When Pixie and J join us, all Hell breaks loose.  You would think all the kids would be used to each other by now...

Anyhow, the kids had a fun weekend.  I on the other hand, not so much.  But that seems to be par for the course.  I spend all my time trying to make my kids happy, that I neglect my own happiness.  That used to be enough.  But I just can't seem to get back to that place anymore.  I crave what I don't have.  I really needed to be held last night.  I went to bed alone... as always, and I felt so lonely and sad.  I don't want to always sleep alone.  I want things that I don't get, and I don't know how to get them.  I try to visualize what I want in life, like the books say, but it doesn't seem to work.  I came out of my "Mommy cocoon" almost two years ago, and I can't seem to find my wings...  I just keep beating my head against the tree.  I try talking, but that doesn't work, I try asking... but that doesn't work, I try yelling... and that certainly doesn't work.  Then I just sit back down on my little branch, alone, and go to sleep.  I go to sleep alone, and I wake up alone, and I fantasize about things I don't have, and can't seem to get.  And I feel lonely while surrounded by the world.  Meanwhile people tell me how amazing I am to be raising 3 children alone, and how courageous I must be.  When in reality, I am simply foolish and treading water just to stay afloat.  I am not a perfect Mother by any means, and I am certainly not a perfect woman, but I am doing the best that I can.  I just need to feel wanted and loved for ME, not for being a single mother of three kids.  Then again, I did ask for this life, so I guess I should accept it.  I will accept it, because it is the only life I have.  And thank God for my children, because they keep me getting out of bed each morning.  Otherwise I would probably still be there wrapped in the  cocoon covers... alone.

Adventures At Amelia Island.....

This summer we decided to go to Amelia Island for vacation.  I have been wanting to take the kids there for quite sometime...  It was more beautiful and perfect than I even expected!  I was smitten!!!  I still am!  I would LOVE to live there someday.... hopefully sooner than later.  I was such a quiet, peaceful little town.  The people were so friendly and the atmosphere was casual and calm.  Nothing at all like Atlanta.

We stayed in a little condo about two blocks from the beach... A little boardwalk lead directly to the ocean from the condo complex.  It was such a cute little place!!!  Even better than the the pictures on the website!!  I highly recommend it.  The children loved the little pond behind the condo... they explored every inch of it, until some man told them there were alligators in there.... Lol (I think).

The beach was absolutely beautiful!!  The sand was white, the waves were perfect, the air was clean, and all stress was gone--- except of course worrying about the kiddos drowning and disappearing on us.  Pixie and I sat sipping our cocktails (which are illegal on the beach) and watching our children swim, boogie board, and build sand castles all day long.   Perfect.

Back To Reality.....

I wanted to write about our beach trip last week, but I think I need to vent first.  Tomorrow is my day off, and instead of cleaning the house and doing yard work, like I had planned, I will be desperately trying to fix my refrigerator.   It died today.  I am not happy about this at all.  I have a freezer full of things that are half melted, and my frig is full of perishables..... not good.  I just finished unloading the freezer, and putting everything in the freezer where I store animal bodies and bird food...  at least I had somewhere to put it... at least there is that.  But I am so tired of thing breaking around here.  My air conditioner is also not working so well, and the house is very hot...  And I have to repair the leak in the kids' pool... And I have to someday get around to fixing the riding mower...  But I MUST fix the frig tomorrow!  I hope I can... I researched the problem, and I think it is a bad starter relay-- don't ya just love the internet!  But it could be the condenser....  If that is the case, I am going to have a temper tantrum.  Seriously.   Things like this always seem to happen after I have gone on vacation or spent a large amount of money on something.   Why?!?!?!?  Anyway, I need to just relax and let these little ( or big) set backs roll off my shoulders.  I'm going to just try to keep smiling.... and planning my escape.  Someday I will move to a little island somewhere and bask in the sun while sipping a frozen drink, and laugh about these times... at least I can dream about it.  Ah, if life were only that simple....