Nighttime Struggles With My Subconsciuos... Yikes!

OMG... I had the WORST dream ever last night.... I kept trying to change it, but I couldn't. I have never had a dream like that before. In this dream, I was suicidal. Literally. It was awful. I felt so hopeless and alone... It was crazy.. just crazy.. I kept interviewing for jobs, but was incompetent, and I didn't really have a place to live.... I was trying to move, but had nowhere to go. I had children in my dream, but they weren't actually in the dream--- thank God! My friend Theresa was there visiting... and I kept begging her to stay to help me, but she said she couldn't. In the dream, I needed help from her, but I didn't trust her.... she kept giving me medication that was supposed to make me feel better, but it seemed to just make me feel worse. This was the most disturbing dream that I think I have ever had.... It was insane--- I wanted to die.... I kept waking up and thinking "oh no! I'm suicidal", then I would make myself go back to sleep, but the dream kept coming back.... I remember wondering in the middle of the night if it was real or if it was just a dream.... seriously. I have had many many nightmares before, but never anything like this!!!! I woke up sweating... my head was throbbing---- it still is. Finally in early morning, Little A crawled in bed with me and I came out of it. I woke up and realized that I don't really feel this way. I never could get back to sleep though, and my head still hurts.... Crazy. I literally went insane in my sleep. Now I know how people who commit suicide must really feel. What a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE feeling!!! I see why they would want to end their lives. Thank God it wasn't real.... Today I feel fine. The sun is shining--- although it is freezing, my kids are cleaning their messes, I am having coffee on the porch... and all is well. Obviously I have some serious subconscious anxiety going on. I need to take some steps to get this under control for sure... Crazy what our brains tell us in our sleep. I wonder if these crazy dreams are the result of my trying to resolve childhood issues--- perhaps I have had too much therapy lately.. or maybe not enough... Who knows, but WOW that was an intense dream!!!! I seriously feel exhausted from it. Definitely something to bring up next week with my therapist. For now I will take a deep breath and get on with my day.... and thank God that I am alive.

Work Woes And Groovin' Fun....

Yesterday was extremely busy at work. It seems like that hospital always has the sickest patients, the most fires to put out, and is just generally chaotic. I am always exhausted by the end of the day Friday... Emotionally and physically. The good thing is that all this drama makes time fly by. Being a relief vet at various hospitals requires one to be flexible and diplomatic... It is amazing how different each hospital can be... Every doctor practices veterinary medicine differently, and when you find yourself filling in at a hospital, you have to figure out ways to keep the consistency. It can be difficult to keep the peace sometimes.... Especially if you disagree with the other vet's methods... The goal is to provide the best care for the patient without causing conflict... I cannot step on any one's toes, or I may not be asked back to fill in... I am pretty good at this. I typically can keep the peace with clients and doctors, and at the same time do what I feel is best for the patient. Also, I am generally well liked by the staff... That is the other interesting part of working at different hospitals.... you have to figure out how to mesh well with the staff--- the staff's opinion of you is often the most important part when it comes to keeping a job. This is one instance when having a laid back personality is a great benefit...

Last night I took the kids to the "Groove-A-Thon" at the elementary school. Every year they have a dance for the students and parents... It is sooo cute to watch all of the kids dancing their little hearts out! They had a Congo line goin', did the Macarana (sp?), electric slide, etc... It was hilarious! Especially because some of the parents were out there dancing with the kids... Funny stuff! My kids had a wonderful time with their friends... Of course it wasn't my idea of a most excellent Friday night, but watching their little faces made it so worth it. It really was pretty fun! :)

Today will b spent delivering Girl Scout Cookies..... oh boy. I don't think this will be my favorite of tasks...oh well, it has to be done....

Big A's Piercing Adventure... The Sequel

Yesterday it was Big A's turn to get her ears pierced... or I should say re-pierced. She actually had them done a couple of years ago, but as you may recall, it was a fiasco.... Now, I decided that we could try it again.. although this time, I am going to stick to good quality earrings. We'll see how this turns out.... She did very well during the piercing. Afterward we went to the bookstore and browsed for a while--- I did get her a new book. That girl LOVES to read! It was nice to spend some one on one time with my first baby! Happy! :)

Big A's First Piercing Adventure...

(Nov 2007)

Big A's Second Try...

Circus Pics And Piercing Tricks.....

What a great weekend we had.... very tiring, but awesome! Saturday, in particular was busy, busy, busy... We started off the day with 2 hours of Basketball, the I took the kids to Waffle House for breakfast. After that we rushed down to southwest Atlanta for a House call.... Next came Girl Scout Cookie pickup.... We briefly went back home to get ready to go to the Big Apple Circus!!! Pixie and J came too! It was fantastic! It was J's first visit to a circus, and he was mesmerized. That circus is very impressive! They don't use wild animal at all... only some trained horses, and rescue dogs doing tricks and agility exercises. The performers are awesome--- acrobats, jugglers, trapeze artists, funny clowns... that circus has it all!! Also this circus is in a small tent--- like a circus should be, and all the seats are close enough to the ring to get a good view. This was the second time I took the kids, and I definitely think this will be a yearly tradition.... I love it!

Saturday night, I got a babysitter, and Pixie and I went out on a Date!!! We went to Zocalo for dinner.... delicious!! Then we headed to Atlantic Station to see Shutter Island. I really enjoyed that movie! It definitely kept you on edge! I can't wait to read the book--- Pixie read it first, and loved it! We had a wonderful time together... at least I know I did. I think she did too though. It is so nice to spend time alone with her--- no kids, just adults... although, we both had to catch ourselves when we started to mention the kids. Sometimes it is hard to turn off the Mommy, but I definitely think that it is important. Our date was wonderful... and Pixie looked Hot too!!! :)

On Sunday, we all went to a church--- a Unity church. I think of all the churches that I've been to, this one feels like the best fit for me. It is very motivational, and metaphysical... the messages make you feel good. Also, they have all sorts of classes and seminars to attend.... very neat stuff.... It really seems like a cool church. Maybe I will end up finding my faith... we'll see.

After church, we dropped Big A off at the first of TWO birthday parties.... then Pixie, J, Little A, D and I went to downtown Decatur to have some lunch. We ate at Brick Store.... delicious food and yummy drinks--- the weather was great, so we got to eat outside! It was so fun. Later, Pixie and I took the kids to get their ears pierced!!!! We could believe it but all three of them actually went through with it! D and J each got one ear pierced and Little A got both done, of course. The boys were very brave about it, but poor Little A cried--- a lot. Aw... it kind of broke my heart. But she got over it and was quickly strutting out of the Mall all proud! All three kids were so proud of themselves! It was quite funny to watch. That night, D and Little A were very concerned about going to sleep... they both wanted to know if their earrings would fall out.. It was so cute! What a good way to end a great weekend.

Big Apple Circus

Lunch At Brick Store

Mommy And D...

Deep In Conversation...

Aw...

D Gets Pierced!!!!

Happy Happy!

J's First Piercing!
( His Mom Says He Can Get More When He's Older...)

Little A Got Double Teamed!!!

And Did NOT Appreciate It...

Showin' Off Their Studs....

Proud Little A!!!
(New Hair And New Earrings)

The Little Stud....

Choices....

Last night I had to make a choice.... not a life changing choice or anything, but still it did not make make me happy. I had to choose between two kid related events. Last night was Skate Night for the school and also World Thinking Day for the Girl Scouts. Big A really wanted to go to the Girl Scout thing and D really wanted to go to Skate Night. It sucks to have to disappoint one child. Little A, as usual, didn't care one way or the other-- she probably would have been just as happy to go home and play with her Barbies. I decided to take them to World Thinking Day--- because it only happens once a year, and Skate Night happens two times a year. But poor D cried his little eyes out... It is weird because he can not even skate a little bit-- he doesn't have the balance for it. But he really wanted to see his school friends.... Poor D doesn't get invited to as many parties as his sister and he doesn't seem to have as many school friends either. I immediately felt like I had made a big mistake. This was one of the times when being a single parent sucks! I sometimes feel so angry that I don't have a partner to help me. Then again it was my choice to do this on my own.... but I still think I deserve to have a pity party every now and then. If they had another parent, we could have each taken the children to their respective events, and everyone would have been happy.... Oh well, as it turns out, the Skate Night thing actually ended at 7pm, so I never would have made it there anyway... I didn't even pick them up from daycare until 7!!! Another shitty thing about being a single Mom--- late hours at work. In my perfect world, I would be independently wealthy--- never have to work, able to afford a Nanny, and Be able to do everything for everybody. My world is not perfect.... but my world is better than a lot of people's so I need to shut up and be grateful for what I have. Still, I hate to disappoint my children. Because when I disappoint them, I disappoint myself.

Today will be a better day though... I am taking them to the Big Apple Circus! I am excited too! I know a lot of parents don't look forward to these types of things, but I do. I find them fun! The sounds of many happy children warms my heart. Theresa and I were talking about that the other night. Some adults find crowds of children irritating and stressful, but we both agreed that we like it. It's interesting how certain things bother some, while the same things make others happy... It is funny because Theresa is extremely OCD-- probably the most OCD person I know. She CANNOT stand anything out of place... clutter and disorganization drives her crazy. But noise and action do not phase her at all. Pixie, on the other hand, seems to get anxious when there is too much noise and chaos, and she is OCD as well. I am able to overlook both noise and mess--- I tend to tune it all out. I am also a bit OCD in certain ways. Unfortunately my ability to tune out often leads me to ignore things that need to get done-- like cleaning the house, but then again, I tend to have less anxiety. No one way is better than the other... but still it is interesting how people can be wired so differently. I guess having a healthy balance would be ideal. Anyway we all have the same goals in life--- to feel comfortable and be happy. Today I will be very busy-- basketball, a house call, Girl Scout Cookie Pickup, Circus, and then a date with Pixie.... But I think I will be happy! :)

My Valentine...

I have just spent the last hour trying to find an easier way to upload photos onto this blog... I was unsuccessful. And I am not happy about it. It takes way too long to add pictures on blogger. I know there is a better way, and I will find it... eventually. But right now it doesn't seem important enough to worry over anymore.

Instead, I will write about Valentine's Day. Last week it appeared that my Valentine's Day would be a sad and lonely one... But, it actually turned out to be very special. Pixie and I had been talking the last part of the week. We actually had very good conversations about our relationship and what we wanted and didn't want. We have decided to take it slow... sort of step back and try to start over differently. Can it be done? I guess we will have to see. I hope so. I want to do everything in my power to work on this relationship and make it successful. For two reasons.... The first, and most important, reason is that I love Pixie and I want our relationship to last. I want us to work. I want us to have a secure and happy relationship--- one that will set a good example for our children. The second, and much less important reason, is that I want to show everyone that we can do it--- we can meet in the middle and find happiness doing it. I suspect that we both have friends that think we are crazy to try again, and I want to show them that they are wrong. This whole lesbian (yes I am stereotyping-- but its true) idea of always looking for the next someone to come along... to bail when times get hard and move on to the next one because it's easier is a crock... I don't want to be one of those lesbians. I feel in my heart-- in my gut really, that Pixie and I are meant to be together. And this relationship is worth fighting for.

Back to Valentine's Day... Theresa came to my house on Saturday night to hang out with the kids. She spent the night and got the kids to help clean the house on Sunday morning--- that was my Valentine's gift from them. A much appreciated gift I might add. On Sunday night I got a babysitter and went over to Pixie's house for a date. She was going to make me dinner... I have to admit that I was pretty nervous. I mean this was a proper date and we were just trying to reconnect after a very stressful time. When I got there, she looked so beautiful. When I went into the dining room, I was taken aback... Pixie had set the table for a romantic dinner for two! There were even candles and tiny pink roses. It was so pretty. I can't remember anyone ever making me such a special Valentine's Dinner... or ever such any dinner like that... A real date. The dinner was delicious... and we were both a bundle of nerves. Actually, it was really sweet how we both felt like it was a first date after having been together for 7 months... maybe we can go back. Pixie even made chocolate dipped strawberries for desert. It was perfect.... Just perfect. What a wonderful Valentine's Day....

A Quickie Before Work....

Boy, I just got the kids on the bus... Every Wednesday I have to make myself get up extra early to do this. So far, I have been successful twice in in a row! That is pretty good for me... Otherwise I have to wait until 7:15 to take them to school... and of that always makes me late for work. Of course the fact that I'm sitting here with only 10 minutes left to take a shower, get dressed , and leave just underscores my issue with procrastination and tardiness.... So I suppose I should get up off of my lazy butt and go to work.... I do hope I can find time to write today though---- my thoughts are starting to fill up my brain.... they need to come out now. :)

Snow!!!!

Beautiful!!!! That is all there is to say.... We actually got snow!!! Real snow.... I think we got at least 4 inches in my neighborhood. It made for a long, slow commute home, but it is definitely worth it to see the joy on my kids faces. I am writing this on Sat. morning... although I started this post last night. It is 9:30 am, and the neighborhood children have already started coming out to play.... My kiddos are chomping at the bit to get out here too, but I have GOT to finish one more cup of coffee first! It is amazing how friendly the neighbors are this morning... I have been sitting out on the porch, enjoying the snow, and all of the walkers have stopped to say hello and comment on how beautiful this day is. We very rarely get a good snow here in Georgia, so it is really an event when it occurs!!!!

When we got home yesterday, the children spent the evening playing in the snow.... then they took bubble baths to thaw out their little bodies. Last night we had a spaghetti dinner and settled in for "Movie Night". I made a fire... put blankets on the floor, made popcorn, and we watched a couple of movies.... It was a very relaxing and fun night. Little A ended up sleeping on the pallet in the living room--- while I slept on the couch. We were all very cozy in our little house, surrounded by the snow..... What a nice night it was....

What an stressful and emotional day yesterday was. It started badly... My friend Mike called me at 7:20 am to tell me that on Superbowl Sunday he had a Massive Heart Attack!!! Obviously he lived... but it was so shocking... I mean he is only 46 years old!!!! He said while it was happening, he kept thinking of my Father... My Dad dies from a Heart Attack at only 47 years old. I knew it was young then (I was 24 at the time), but the older I get the younger it seems! It is very scary to think of something like that happening to someone close to you. I can't imagine not having Mike in my life. Also, it is quite a reality check.... I have GOT to start taking better care of myself! I must quit smoking, start drinking less, eat healthy, and begin regularly exercising! I am a single Mother, and my children count on me to be there for them... I cannot let them down!! I need to do everything I can to improve my health and their health as well.

Pixie came over in the morning and we had a very good talk. It was very emotional for me, but it was so so good to see her. I think we took some steps in the right direction to try to understand each other... I can't imagine not having her in my life. I love her.

Right after she left, I had a therapy appointment. It was an extremely emotionally draining session... There was so much to talk about and so many emotions... Bleh.

The kids had their Valentine's parties at school... They were all so cute passing out their Valentine's and eating their treats. After school I took Little A with me to spend some quality time... Big A and D went to aftercare. She had a great time! I think it made her really feel special to spend some time alone with me... We met Pixie at a restaurant for a little snack--- actually a late lunch for me. Little A was very excited to see her. After that we went home for a while and Little A and I played with her Strawberry Shortcake dolls. She is always asking me to play with her... and it made her feel good to have me all to herself. We had fun together. I liked having her all to myself too.... I definitely need to make it a priority to spend more individual time with my kids.

Big A's Valentine's Party

Little A Waits For Her Valentines

Eating Cupcakes!!!

D Make A Craft....

Excited About His Valentine!!!!

Smile...

Time To Eat The Treats!!!

Yummy!!!

Oh yeah.... When Little A and I got home... we saw this.... Feathers everywhere!! It looked like a small bird had been massacred! I think that is exactly what happened.... GROSS. I never found a body, though... guess I'll know if there is one in a few days if I start smelling something... weird. And disgusting.

Feathers Everywhere...

The Culprit???

What Else I There To Say?

Poor Bird...?

Anxiety....

Today I was sad and anxious all day. Very anxious... so anxious that I had the shakes and felt nauseous. I told the staff at work that I had just had too much coffee and not enough to eat for breakfast. Actually this was true-- I did have 3 cups of coffee and ate no breakfast at all. But that was not the reason for my shakes. It was anxiety. Anxiety over this email that Pixie was supposed to send me--- I want to read it. Of course I fear what it will say... but knowing is much better than not knowing. The whole idea looms over me. I want to know... I want to hear her thoughts on our relationship. What I really want her to say is that she wants to be with me, and that she is willing to try. I want her to say that she will be my girlfriend again.

I want things back to the way they were, except without all of the criticizing. I want to kiss her and touch her and love her. I want to sleep with her and feel her body close to mine. I want to smell her and taste her and feel the soft skin of her face. I want to laugh with her and cuddle with her and look at her.

What I am afraid she will say is that she doesn't think we are compatible and doesn't want to try to make it work. I know that there is a distinct possibility of this happening. I fact I think that this is most likely what her letter will say, but I keep hoping that it won't. In any case, I need to know. I can't stand this anymore--- the not knowing part.

Who am I kidding, I can't stand the not being part of her life part. I hate that I can't call her throughout the day and that she no longer calls me. All day long I see or hear things that I want to show or tell her. I think of things that we should do together... then I remember... we broke up. I feel alone and sad. Yes, I know that is normal for a break up... But I don't want to break up. I want to figure out how to work it out. I want to commit to working this out and making a successful, happy relationship. I can't imagine dating anyone else, and the thought of her being with someone else makes me sick.

Big A asked me tonight if Pixie and I were just going to be friends now. I asked her would she rather us just be friends or would she rather us still date. Big A said she would rather us date. That's my girl... But at the same time it made me so sad. My kids will not understand, this will hurt them... D was talking tonight at dinner about something he wanted to tell Pixie-- I can't remember what because as soon as I heard her name come from his mouth, I felt pain in my chest. I just nodded and said yes we would tell her.

Tonight, when I picked the kids up from daycare, the director pulled me aside to share with me some concerns she had about D and Little A (I don't want to get into the details), but I wanted so bad to call Pixie and ask what she thought. Then when I was putting them to bed something disturbing happened and again I wanted the support of my girlfriend-- then I remembered that she is no longer my girlfriend. I felt overwhelmed by the situation, and I didn't have anyone to turn to.... I wanted to turn to Pixie, but I couldn't. This whole situation is insane--- we should not be broken up... we should be planning our Valentine's Day. I HATE THIS!!!!!

My List...

Well, it is my day off, and I should be cleaning... But I have spent the morning on the Internet, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and thinking too much. What I should be doing is laundry, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, organizing, and doing house calls... But, I promise to get back to all of that after I finish this post.... Ha! I have been thinking about all of the things I want to focus on in the coming months. Here are some of them-- in no particular order:

• Organize my house, and my life in general
• Plan and plant a vegetable garden
• Set aside one night a week for "Game Night" or "Movie Night" with my kids
• Begin working out-- seriously
• Read a book that was recommended to me--- "Nonviolent Communication"
• Get my yard and Flowerbeds back in shape
• Focus on my own mental health
• Stop smoking
• Stop Drinking so much
• Read more to my children
• Take a little trip alone-- hmm... who can I con into keeping my kids??
• Go hiking with my kids-- start getting back into nature
• Pick up a pencil and draw again-- I used to be pretty good at it...
• Learn to sew with my daughter
• Get a babysitter and go out with my friends more often
• Try to find some faith...
• Take care of all of my children's medical needs
• Spend time with each of my children alone--- again, I need a sitter... a lot of these goals will require money- so...
• Find a way to increase my income
• Learn to cook
• Work with my son to be the best student possible
• Get my children piano lessons... and maybe me too
  

Well this list is in no way complete, but I think it is certainly a good start. Now I have to find a way to make time for all of these projects. I think I should first clean and organize the house. Then I must make a schedule and STICK to it. I also need a budget. Shit, I need a lot of things... Can one woman alone do all of these things alone? I intend to try. I have, in the past, been able to set my mind to something and accomplish it. In the last couple of years, I have seemed to have lost that ability.... I want it back. I want my resilience and determination back. I will get it. And today I will start.

Below are the photos of D and his Poster that I blogged about last night--- that's my boy!

The Finished Project!
He Did It All By Himself!

D Works On His Poster

This Was The Scene In My
Kitchen This Morning....
(It is not always chaos)

This morning Little A woke me up by bringing me a "Love Note" that she made for me in school! That was exactly what I needed! That girl amazes me... she always picks the perfect time to show her love. She seems to know just what to do to make me feel good. She is a very deep and intuitive child... albeit a strange one. Sometimes when I look at her, I feel like she is a miracle that has been sent to me. I remember the very moment that I found out about her heart defect, and the fear and helplessness that I felt. I immediately thought of my brother, Grayson... I have never had such a feeling of fear-- that was my baby, and she had a problem that could possibly make her die... Then months later, the cardiologist said she would be okay-- the septal defect had closed on its own (before he said it was too large and would need surgery), and as a result her Ebstein's Anomaly had improved. That was the miracle. I should have faith... she is actually a miracle. She was given to me to show me things--- she is an old soul. I am so lucky that she is mine and that she is here.

My Baby's Note To Me....

She Also Made Me A Heart...
A Perfect, Whole Heart.

Now It is time to take on my life and tackle my list... A new me is coming!