Morning Musings...

I woke up tired and bewildered this morning. I am so tired of being tired. I am also so tired of feeling lonely. I was never really lonely before. It doesn't make sense that I am supposed to be in a relationship with someone (yes-- we apparently are still in a "relationship"), yet I feel more alone than I did before I started dating again. Also, whenever I try to make my feelings known, it ends up a fight. I really need to think about this. Also, I am tired of being called "insane"--- I never said I was sane. I don't pretend to be. I have issues. I never pretended not to. I can call myself crazy all day. But I resent someone else calling me crazy. It makes me want to say "FUCK YOU!"

I have realized lately that I have very few real friends. That is okay, but what is not okay is that I don't get to see them often. They all live in other cities. I really need to increase my circle of friends. I need to be more social-- get out of the house more. I need a "girl's night out", but I have no girls to go out with. I used to be very social-- pre children. But I lost touch with most of my circle when I became a Mom. None of them had kids. I need to make friends with people who have kids close in age to mine-- I think that makes it easier. I always tell people, "yeah, let's have drinks" or "let's do dinner", but I never follow through. I definitely need to be more social. I need to get out of my head-- stop worrying about money, my health, my "relationship". Just go out and have a good time sometimes. But first I have to find a babysitter. :)

My Raging Baby...

I am soooo glad it is finally Friday! This has been one of the longest, weirdest , most obnoxious weeks ever... I think it has gotten better, but I'm still not sure... At least I don't have to work tomorrow. I hope this weekend will be better than last... We'll see.


Little A has been getting in trouble at school this week-- bad trouble. That girl has quite the attitude!! She is an Osborne through and through. On Tuesday night, she had the worst temper tantrum I have ever seen... She was mad because I would not let her eat in the car, so she proceeded to begin crying... then she began screaming... by the time we parked at the YMCA, she was crying, screaming, kicking, and flailing her arms! When I attempted to take her out of her car seat, she literally attacked me-- like a dog. She went for my face... She grabbed my mouth wit her dirty little fingernails and scratched. Then she attempted to bite me on the cheek. I put my arm up to block her, and took the bite on the forearm-- I have a nasty bruise. I could do nothing but drop her on the ground and let her finish her fit. She was like a little Pit Bull. I was afraid to touch her. I'm not kidding. It was so bad that Big A and D just stood looking at her in awe. Normally they would be taunting her or making comments, but this time I think they were scared of her too... It was quite amazing and frightening. And then, it was over. Just like that. That girl definitely can rage. Amazing. Sometimes I wish that I could rage like that and get away with it...

Adventures Of Doctor Death...

Ugh. What a day!! I felt like Doctor Death today-- because all I did was euthanize pets. Not my favorite thing to do.... I would much rather save some lives or just simply vaccinate puppies. There is nothing sadder than watching a family agonize over their decision to put their beloved family friend to sleep. It is so hard to make that decision-- even though you know that the pet is suffering and has no real quality of life, it is still painful to make that choice for your pet.

I remember how hard it was for me to put my Doberman, Reebok, to sleep... I waited way to long. I was literally pulling him outside on a blanket (because I was pregnant with Little A, and wasn't supposed to lift him-- he was 90 lbs). I would have to express his bladder for him-- he was paralyzed. I would turn him from side to side and hold the bowl up to his face for him to eat... What kind of life was that for him? I just could not let him go. From the neck up, he was still the sweet, happy dog he always was. He ate, and licked my face, and "smiled" when I was with him. But he wasn't really happy-- he had no dignity. I was just being selfish. I just didn't want to let him go. And I am a vet for crying out loud!!! I should know better! Anyway, I finally did euthanize him. First I gave him a nice dose of Morphine-- he was feeling really good! But when I injected the euthanasia solution-- he looked up at me-- he lifted his head and looked right into my eyes. Then he laid his head back down onto my knee and he was gone. I will never forget how he looked at me-- I wonder if he knew what I was doing to him. I was helping him. That is depressing. Let me stop writing about it now...

Anyway, the rest of the day was spent running to D's Physical Therapy and Big A's cheer leading... I pulled Big A out of cheer leading practice after only 30 minutes because I suddenly felt nauseous and miserable, and the thought of sitting in there for one more minute was more than I could bare. All stress related. Obviously, I am not handling this "situation" with Sheila well at all.... This Sucks! I hate having feelings.... I really hate it.

Not The Way I Planned It...

There are many reasons that I write this blog. My Mom thinks I'm crazy to put my life out there for all of the world to see. Maybe she's right... Maybe I should keep things private. And I do to an extent. There are some things that are better left unsaid. But, I guess I write this blog because I need to. It is sort of like therapy for me-- in a way. That may be why I tend to focus on the more pessimistic side of my life. I tend to write more when I am upset or depressed-- which seems to happen more and more frequently lately. I have noticed that when things are going well in my life, I tend to skip my blog-- or I write a brief synopsis of the day... nothing of real interest. Not to say that anything I write is of real interest, but you know what I mean... I should be very interesting tonight though!!!

Things didn't go well tonight. As you may know, I have been in a "relationship" with someone from my past for the last few months.... Never a good Idea, I know... Especially because she broke my heart way back when... But that is the past, right? So anyway, we have been fighting-- mainly because I was PMSing and I felt needy and didn't feel loved, etc.... you women know what I'm talking about, right? Anyway, tonight I asked her if we could talk when I got home from work (let me interject that she did pick up my kids from school for me-- that is very nice of her). She texted me-- sure... she could stay to talk. Of course, when I got home, I found out that she really couldn't stay for very long.. something about buying "snack " for her daughter's High School Basketball Team... Sounded a little strange to me, but what do I know... Anyway, I tried to tell her how I felt... never easy for me, as I cannot talk... I am horrible when it comes to verbal communication. I can, sort of , write what I feel, but I can never, ever say it effectively. Basically, I suck. I am not a good communicator. I usually just say something sarcastic-- which gets me into trouble every time... At least I'm predictable.

Needless to say, I did not get my feelings across... Because if I had, she would have immediately realized the error of her ways and taken me into her arms and told me that she "could not live without me"-- or some other romantic cliche... In any event, we ended up getting into an even worse "fight"-- or "battle of wills"--- or whatever it was... Really I'm not sure. It seems all a blur now... I do know the gist of it though--- I think the gist is that we broke up... Although, I still maintain that we were never in a "real" relationship in the first place. I often felt like the "booty call"... I really shouldn't complain, because I did enjoy the sex... But remember, I was madly in love with her years ago, and I don't think I ever got over it. So I am here now-- again heartbroken-- or is it infuriated? Maybe I am both. Maybe I am a fool. Yes, I am a fool. But, also I think that she is a fool for ever letting me go... I am a catch!!! Or maybe I let her go-- it's all every confusing right now. :) I feel better now though--- See blogging is therapy for me --- and it is free! :)

Maybe tomorrow I will be sane again... ;)

Psychic Mommy...

I really wish that I knew as much as my children think I know... According to them, I should immediately be able to tell them the answer to any question they ask. I should be psychic. I should be able to tell them where all of the lost toys are. Little A constantly asks "where is my Bear Bear?" Like I know what she did with it. If I say that I don't know where it is, she starts crying and says "YES, you do!!" Also, I frequently get accused of hiding their toys--- D just accused me of "putting" his light up cars somewhere. "Where you put my cars?!?" I said I never had them. He said "Yes, you hide them Mom!" Oh, if only I had all the answers....

I should enjoy these times though. I know in a few years (when they are teenagers), my kids will think that I know absolutely nothing.... They will look at me and roll their eyes. My opinion will not matter-- in fact, I am sure that if I make a suggestion, they will do the opposite. I'm just going by own experience as a teenager. Also, some of my friends now have teenagers-- and it is like dejavu (sp?)... Scary. I dread when that time comes for me... Big A already is starting to question me. She is a skeptic like me. In fact, she is like a clone of me at that age (except for the cheer leading and other "girly- girl" stuff)

My moment of peace has just ended. Big A is screaming because Little A stole her stuffed white poodle.... Time to go break up another fight.... No wonder I always have a headache.

My Morning Pity Party....

Ohhh. I have the worst headache this morning... It started last night. I am definitely getting a nasty cold. I have been very lucky this winter-- I avoided getting all of the illnesses that have been circulating so far, but I think one finally got me. My head hurts, my chest hurts my throat hurts, and snot is running from my nose... I had a fever early this morning, but I think it is gone now. But the headache is what is driving me crazy... My children seem to be extra loud this morning. The more I tell them to be quiet, the louder they seem to get. If I didn't have an appointment this morning, I would make them all go back to bed and stay there all day... or at least for an hour, so I could have some peace... But, instead I have to get up soon and get ready for a long day of errands. To top it off, I think I am having major PMS. Not a good combination. Maybe the ibuprofen I took will kick in soon, and I will be able to function.

I am in a horrible mood today. The morning started off very badly- on top of feeling like shit, I got in a fight with Sheila. Par for the course... We can't seem to get along for more than a week at a time... Guess that should be a clue. Will I ever have a "successful" relationship? I doubt it. I truly don't think that two women can have a successful long term relationship-- way too many hormones involved. Too bad I'm not straight. Men are much easier to get along with--- you get into a fight, you make up, and all is fine. Women hold grudges--- they stew and analyze, and play head games... It is crazy. No wonder I have been alone for so long-- life is much simpler that way. I'm sure we will make up at some point, but my feelings were really hurt this morning, and, as a woman, I am sure that I will hold onto that and not let it go.... I will file it away, and it will become one more brick in the wall that keeps me from ever having a successful relationship... I will start to become distant and pull away like I always do. I know my pattern. It has been a long time, but things don't seem to have changed much for me. I am definitely damaged.

Now that I have had a little pity party for myself, let me get up and get going--- I have got to get a haircut, new tires, a new microwave, go to cheer leading, go grocery shopping, and countless other errands.... also I think that I may have to perform a euthanasia--- just another rainy Saturday....

Adventures At The YMCA....

Ah... home at last!!! I just spent the last hour & a half walking the halls of the YMCA, trying to keep D and Little A occupied while Big A had cheer leading practice.... Torture. That is the only word to describe it. Well, we actually weren't in the Y the whole time--we dropped Big A off at 6:30 and went over to the grocery store to buy cereal and wine. Cereal for tomorrow's breakfast. Wine for Mommy's Dinner. That took about 15 minutes. Then back to the Y to attempt to work on D's homework. That lasted about 10 minutes--- Maybe less. By the second counting exercise, D was complaining-- "This taking soooo long! This homework soooo hard...." The activity that he was complaining about was counting 6 little plastic ants and placing them on a card with a picture of a picnic basket.... It took him at least 10 tries to get it right. He couldn't seem to get past the number 4 without losing concentration! Time to talk to his pediatrician about ADD meds-- or maybe a Xanax prescription for Mommy!

After the attempt at "homework", we started walking around the YMCA--- well the kids were running and tackling each other, while I was dragging myself behind them. We stopped for a while in the Gym-- I talked to some parents that I knew, while D and Little A played catch with a Happy Meal doll... They invented a game that was sort of a combination of catch/soccer/tackle football. It also involved lots of screaming and sliding across the gym floor... I'm sure that they disrupted the basketball practice that was going on right beside them, but it kept them busy for while, so I let them play... I have found that I have to pick my battles, and tonight I did not feel like having a battle at all. All I could think about was that at 8pm the cheer leading practice would end, and by 8:30 the kids would be in bed--- and by 8:35 I would be on the couch with a glass of wine... And here I sit... a successful end to a very crappy day!!! :)

Cheerleading...

It has been a long week-- and it's only Wednesday... But now I'm on the backside of the hump, so maybe the rest of the week will just sail by.

Last weekend was good. Big A cheered at a basketball game on Saturday. She seemed to enjoy herself more this time. She really hasn't been that into this whole cheer leading thing. I think she wanted to be a cheerleader so she could get a uniform. She didn't realize how much work was involved... I didn't realize how much time would be involved. They have practice for an hour and a half two nights a week and then have a game to cheer every Saturday. That is way more time than I want to spend watching a bunch of little girls squealing and jumping around... I am definitely not the cheerleader type! :) Oh the sacrifices we make for our children!!!

Sunday we went over to Sheila's for a pancake breakfast, and then we all went to the park... It was a little wet out, and very cold, but we did have fun. All in all, we had a laid back weekend... I really needed that. Especially because work has been so busy this week...

Poor D had to get caught up on his vaccines today... he got FOUR!!! I felt so bad for him. His legs are so skinny---I'm sure he will be sore on Thursday.

D And Little A Show Me

How They Feel About

The Basketball Game!!

Big A Looks A Bit Nervous...

Warming Up...

The Whole Cheer Leading Squad

(I'm not sure if its a team or a squad... )

Mexican And Memories....

Tonight the kids and I went out to eat at Los Bravos, the Mexican restaurant close to Little A's daycare. I have been craving Mexican food for a couple of days now. We had a good time. The place was packed-- there were a lot of families with kids. There was a mariachi band going from table to table playing songs... Little A loved that. She got out there with some other children and did a little dancing. I have to say the kids were very good. They only got restless at the very end of the evening when I was talking to some old friends who were also eating there. I also saw some of my neighbors. That place is happening on a Friday night. I hadn't seen Libba an Mary in years-- they now have two daughters- I can't believe how time flies....

Today is the 32nd anniversary of my little brother, Grayson's death. I wanted to post a photo of him, but my scanner is not working... I cannot believe it has been that long since he died. I called my Mom today, and she seemed surprised that I remembered the date. I remember it every year. January 16, 1977 was one of the defining moments of my childhood. I was 6 years old. I was very close to my little brother. I never really got over his death. I still think about him often. If he were alive he would be 34-- almost 35. That is unbelievable. He was a good boy. I still miss him. I will always remember him.

More Party Adventures....

This week has been busy busy.... that is why I have been slack in posting. Also, I have been having trouble uploading photos, but the problem is now fixed!!! Yay! Big A had her birthday party at Monkey Joe's last weekend, and it was a big success. She had a great time with her friends from school and her cousins. Every time I throw my kids a birthday party, I swear never to do it again--- but, of course, I do it anyway. You would think that because the party was held at Monkey Joe's that my stress level would be reduced--after all, all I had to supply was the cake and gift bags... but I was still very stressed out. As usual I waited until the last minute to get everything. I ordered the cake the day before and bought the balloons, pinata, and gift bag stuff the day of the party.... I really need to be more organized next time!!! But in the end it all worked out... I did not get to clean my house though, so when my family came over after the party, they saw what pigs we really are!! :) That was probably the biggest reason that I was stressed out---I can't stand to have a dirty, messy house, and for some reason (perhaps 3 little reasons), I can't seem to ever keep it clean any more!! It is a losing battle--and I hate to lose! I guess I am a bit OCD sometimes.... But a clean house makes me feel relaxed, and a messy house really stresses me out.....

In any event, the kids had a great time at the party! This Monkey Joe's was very clean and well maintained-- it should be, it has only been open since October... The place was really big and it was difficult to keep track of the kids, but there was a lot of staff and the exits were well guarded. A cool place for a 6 year old to have a party!

On Tuesday, I had the IEP meeting for D... The school finally put him in Special Ed!!! I never thought I would be so happy to have my child placed in special Ed, but he really, really needs the extra help. He started going to the class for 2 hours a day on Wednesday, and so far, really seems to like it. They seem to be using a sort of tactile approach to teaching him his letters and numbers, I think it will help him. He gets little index cards with letters on them that stick out-- he has to trace them with his finger and say the letter name. It seems to help keep his focus--at least for a few seconds... I really do need to talk to the pediatrician about getting him on some meds for his ADD. I was really hoping to avoid that, but it is pretty apparent that he needs something... I really hope that this special ed class will help him to catch up with his peers. Also, the IQ test that the school psychologist administered shows that he is in the average range of intelligence-- actually, in many ways he shows signs of great intelligence. Finally the label of "Mental Retardation" can be removed from his record completely.

Finally, the photos I couldn't posts....

Little A Is Into Barbies Now!!!

A Video Game Junky!!!

Big A Displays Her Snow Flake!!!

Pictures From The Party......

Uncle Gabe And The Cousins...




Cousin P Rides The Dino!!!

Big A Gets A Birthday Thrown!!!

Waiting For The Food!!!

D Likes His Pizza!!!

D's Best Friend!!!

More Boys Than Girls At

A "Bratz Party"....

Ironic

The Girl's Side Of The Table...

(They Segregated Themselves)

Big A's Best Friend

Silly Sisters!!!

Big A's Bratz Cake!!!

Blowing Out The Candles...

Monkey Joe Came In To Visit!!!

Big A Got A T-Shirt...

Showing It Off....

Waiting For The Cake To Be Cut...

Pinata Time!!!

Gettin' The Goods!!!

After The Party Big H Checs Out

The Barbie Doll House!!!

Busted!!!!

(I'm saving this one for his teenage years!! :) )

G Is Always The Ham...

Uncle Gabe Tries To Look

Handsome...

Silly Nana!!!

More Presents!!!!

Big A Shows Off New PJs...

Trickster D!!!

Looks Like A Little Gangster!!!

He's Just Soo Cute!!!

On a side note, I had to mention my Christmas Cactus. My Mom gave it to me years ago... For years it never bloomed. But the year Big A was born, it got one single bloom! Strangely, the year Little A was born, it had 2 blooms!!! Then I noticed it the other day... It has 3 Blooms!!!! One for each child!!! Very strange!!

The Magical Christmas Cactus!!!

Happy Birthday Big A!!!!

We have had a very good week. Last weekend we went up to Greenville to visit Uncle Gabe and his family. The kids had a great time playing with their cousins!! The grownups ordered Chinese and pigged out while the kids ate pizza rolls and ran amok!! Nana came by to bring my kiddos their Christmas presents--- the "Can-Can" skirts Nana gave them were a big hit!! D got a huge pirate set!! Poor Uncle Gabe and Aunt Sherri--they had to put up with 7 kids running around their house, making messes....

On Sunday, we went over to Nana's house to destroy it... Kidding. I don't think the kids did too much damage. Nana kept them busy while I rummaged through the attic... I brought home a lot of old books, dolls, and toys to give to my children. I found cards, letters and photos from my childhood and teenage years--- scary stuff.... ;) I must have saved every note from Erika... we'll have go through them next time she's in town... I'm sure we'll need a drink or five to get through them all... We were sooo bad!!! Talk about going down memory lane.... The kids had a lot of fun banging on Nana's piano and touching all of her breakables-- I don't think they destroyed anything though.

Wednesday was Big A's 6th Birthday!!! I can't believe my baby is that old! It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital... Time goes by so quickly, it's crazy. She had a great birthday though. We took cupcakes to school for her class to enjoy, and then had a special Birthday dinner for her. She got to chose the menu--- tacos with chips and salsa!!! That girl loves Mexican food. She could eat it every day no problem! The funny thing is that I ate Mexican the night before I went into labor with her(it made me very sick)... really I ate it all through my pregnancy--it was my big craving. Maybe that's why she loves it so much...

Sheila came over with her son, CJ, and youngest daughter, Morgan. She was also nice enough to bring over the taco meat. Cooking meat makes me sick---especially ground beef! yuk! I'll just stick with my bean tacos, thank you very much. The kids were very excited to have them over, and reacted with their usual wild antics!!! They like to drive their poor Mother crazy! Morgan baked the cake for me while I tried to prepare the taco toppings and referee fights between kiddos. Little A and D got to decorate the cake with sprinkles and lick the extra icing. Little A made a huge mess!!! She was covered in icing from head to toe-- so was my kitchen! We had a great time though! It all wore me out though--and the "real" birthday party hasn't even occurred yet. That will be Saturday at Monkey Joes!!!


Below are some photos from our weekend...

Opening Presents With Nana!!!




D Is Just Too Cool...

Doing The Hokey Poky!!!

Nana Cracks Up

D Plays The "Russian" Blues

On His New Harmonica!!!

A Real Can-Can Dancer!!!

Playing The Piano At Nana's House!!!

Serious Musicians!!!

She Is Too Cute!!!

(If I Do Say So Myself!)

Little A Playing Mommy

"A Bootiful Song"!!!

Big A's Birthday!!!!

Sheila's Gift To Big A,

Now She Is Officially A Coin

Collector!!!

Hamming It Up!!!

Big A's Turn!!!

Showing Off Her New

Fancy Nancy Doll!!!

Yummy Birthday Cake!!!

Morgan?! Would Your Mom Approve?

Sheila's Baby Boy... All Grown Up!!!

Just Call Her Piggy....

Sheila Wonders What the Hell

She Has Gotten Herself Into!!!

Birthday Girl!!!!

Mommy Tries To Light The Candle

Without Burning Down The House...

Happy D!!!

" Happy Birthday To You...."

Now Blow!!!!

Must Lick Candles Before Cutting Cake!!!