Adventures In Poster Making....

It is never a good idea to wait until the last minute to help my children with their class projects... but, of course, that is just what I always seem to do. This week was no different. Big A told me that the project was to make a poster about an inventor. Sounded simple enough. So she decided that she wanted to make a poster about the inventor of the first Barbie doll. I looked up info online, and she cut it out and designed her own poster. It was after the poster was complete, that I read the actual assignment sheet--- turns out that the inventor had to be an African American (black history month), and Big A had actually been assigned an inventor to learn about. Soooo... we made another poster! Fun, fun.... She did a great job on both posters!

D did not get an inventor assigned to him-- presumably because he's in special ed. That irritates me... He wanted to make a poster too, so I let him chose an inventor to learn about. He chose the inventor of the first Helicopter. He is really into airplanes and helicopters--- he plans on being a pilot when he grows up. He is very passionate about it actually-- it is very cute. He worked hard on his poster as well. I was very proud of him. The next day, I spoke to his teacher about his assignments, and she assured me that he would have projects to do in the future. I do not want him excluded from these activities just because he is in special ed. He is perfectly capable of participating and learning from these assignments!

Of course Little A had to get into the act as well. She made her own poster-- also about Barbie dolls. She even took it to daycare the next day to show it off to her class! Everything these days has to be in 3s--- no one can be left out. That means more work for me, but it's worth it. I guess it is sort of a family bonding experience. Of course, I was the one that was left to clean up all the paper scraps... :)

Below are photos documenting our poster making experience....

My Three Babies Industriously Working....

Maybe I Shouldn't Trust D

With Such Big Scissors...

Big A Is Definitely A Type A Personality!!

The Finished Products....

D's Helicopter Poster!!!




Big A's Barbie Poster!!!

Big A's Lemon Squeezer Poster!!!

Along With Her Report...

Little A Illustrated The Back

Of Her Poster!!!

Little A's Barbie Poster!!!

Our Day at The Park....

Friday was the day from Hell at work... It was definitely not the start to a good weekend. It seemed like everything was going wrong... work, my relationship, etc. The good news is that work finally ended. Friday night was pretty low key... I made the kids a real dinner, and we all watched a movie---Mary Poppins. Nana gave it to them for Valentine's Day, and we just now got a chance to watch it. I haven't seen that movie in years and years... I forgot how much I liked it.

Saturday was a very very busy day. We went to Best Buy to finally get a microwave to replace my broken one--- I lucked out, it was on sale. Also, I finally broke down and bought a new printer. My Office Jet has been broken for a couple of months now, so I have been without a printer and fax!! Not good when you are trying to run a business.

After running a few errands, I took the children to Piedmont Park. It was a beautiful day, although pretty nippy. The kids had never been to that park (aside from going to festivals), they loved it. I had intended to bring their bikes, but didn't because I knew I would be getting the microwave.... I will definitely have to do it next time though. We stayed at the park all morning and into the afternoon. We ate lunch at Willy's and hung out there some more.

After the park, I had a couple of house calls to do. The poor kids had to tag along, of course, but they behaved well. Mommy has to make money after all...

Later in the evening, we went to Morgan's Basketball game. That was definitely a mistake. The kids were tired and I was miserable. I shouldn't have gone, but I had already promised the kids so we went. It as a mistake, a big one. The children acted up and I lost it. We left early and I punished them more than they deserved. I took out my pain on them. I can never do that again. I won't do it again.

This weekend, we have had "Mookie," the class monkey with us... The assignment is to take him to fun places and document it in a journal. The kids have been having a lot of fun with him. D even made a bed for him, and has been tucking him in at night! Cute.

Big A And Mookie Climb The Ropes

D And Mookie At The Park

Cuties!!!

Silly Little A

Beautiful Big A

Sliding....

Watching The Geese...

Next Time We Will Bring Bread!

Resting With Mookie....

D Is So Sweet When He Is Still...

At The Basketball Game With Mookie!!!

Why I Cried.

Tonight I did something no Mother should ever do. I cried in front of my children. Not just tears, but sobbing, heaving, heart aching cries. I know I scared them because they all started to cry as well. But I just couldn't stop. I cried for many reasons. I cried because I feel like a failure as a parent-- my kids act out of control all of the time. I cried because I am a failure at relationships--I finally thought I had found love, but it just doesn't seem to work. I cried because I am totally overwhelmed most of the time. I cried because I feel so totally alone, and I want so bad not to be. I cried because no matter how hard I try, I have no faith at all. I cried because I am always so deeply depressed. I cried because I am not going to be able to financially make it soon- the savings account is running out. I cried because sometimes mean things come out of my mouth and I let them. I cried because my health is not good and I am not addressing the problem. I cried because sometimes I don't want to be the one in charge- sometimes I just want someone to take care of me, and there is no one to do that. It is just me. I am the responsible one, and it scares the Hell out of me sometimes. I cried because my heart is broken, and it hurts sooo badly. I just cried and cried. In fact, I am still crying.

So is Big A-- in her bed crying. I should know better than to upset her like that. She is so incredibly sensitive... She is just like me. She will suffer from severe depression as I have. I see it and it makes me so sad. She got those genes from me. She is like a clone of me. God, I hope she doesn't have to live through the pain I have had to live through.

I remember when she was a baby. It was just the two of us. I was sooo in love with her. She never took the bottle, so I would have to go breast feed her on my lunch break every day. I would take her to the car, feed her and read her stories-- even when she was an infant. She loved them. I took her everywhere with me... She would fall asleep on the couch next to me every night. She never slept in her crib-- she slept in my bed until she was 4 years old. We were inseparable. No wonder she is so sensitive and clingy to me. Tonight I was livid with her. I put too much pressure on her to behave-- to set the example. I shouldn't do that. She is only 6 years old for crying out loud. There is another example of bad parenting I guess.

I sent them all to bed without supper tonight. I have only done that once before. Really, I don't think they deserved it tonight. I took my hurt feelings and misery out on them. All they did was act like wild, disobedient children. But I was so upset by my own personal situation, that I lost it. I told them that they acted bad and that they would go to bed without dinner, so I had to stick to the punishment. I feel so guilty about it now.... Another reason that I cried.

This rambling doesn't make much sense at all, but then again, I don't suppose it has to. I am just writing to write. To get it all out of my head. I guess I must not care what people think about me. No need to impress anyone. I am not the super human that I want to be. I really am not sure that I am even a good person right now. I am insecure and lonely and sad tonight. Tomorrow I may be better, but then again, I may not be-- who knows... I guess when I wake up I will find out. Life will go on. I will feel better at some point. I will survive. I always have. I will continue on whatever path this is that I am taking... I will either come out of this "bad patch" as a stronger, better person or a more hardened, jaded one. I prefer the former. If you read this Dee, I think I will get some therapy (as you suggested). In fact I know I will. I have to. I am a Mother and I owe it to my children not to screw them up anymore that I already have. I owe that to them, and I owe that to myself. I will call on Monday and make an appointment. That is a promise.

Strange Weather And Big Trophies...

It has been a strange and busy week!!! I worked very late on Monday-- thankfully, Sheila picked up the kids for me and fed them. They got to bed pretty late.

Then Tuesday was, as usual, very hectic-- cleaning, running errands, and taking D to physical therapy... Big A had her cheer leading party on Tuesday night, at Moe's. She got a big trophy and was very proud of it. The kids had a blast terrorizing the other patrons at the restaurant. I didn't feel so embarrassed this time because lots of other kids were running amok as well.

Wednesday, I worked a bit, cleaned a bit and hung out Sheila a bit.... Then I cooked dinner for the kids and listened to a terrible thunderstorm for a bit.

What strange weather we have been having... I am definitely ready for Spring!!! I am ready to do some work in the yard!!! I have really let the yard go since the Fall... Slack. I hope I can get up the energy to plant a vegetable garden this year--- I have been saying I am going to do it for a few years now, but I never seem to make it past the planning stage... maybe this will be the year. We always grow tomatoes, and one year we had a huge pumpkin plant (which only produced one pumpkin), but I think the kids would get a kick out of planting and tending to a real garden of their own. Also, I like fresh vegetables-- we'll just have to see if I can keep them alive long enough to produce...

Below are some photos from Big A's Cheer leading party....

Trouble... That's All I Can Say About Them...

My Proud Cheerleader!!!

Partying...

That Boy Is A Clown!!

D And His Friend Show Some Attitude...

Little A Trying To Sneak Some Cake...

Our Valentine's Day...

I had a very nice Valentine's Day. Although, I did have to work for a minute in the morning. Nana was in town-- she came down on Thursday night, so she could watch the kids for me on Friday (no school for D and Big A). I actually got to go out on Friday night for dinner and some drinks-- with out the kids!!! On Saturday, we just hung out around the house for the most part. Big A had her final game to cheer. I have to say I am very happy about that. :) Then Sheila came by for a while and we hung out... It was a nice, quiet day.

The kids got me some tulips for my Valentine's Day Present. One of the Techs at work also gave some to me-- so now I have quite a tulip collection!!!

Mommy's Tulips!!!

The kids got lots of candy and goodies for Vday-- They loaded up at school, then of course got some loot from me. This year I didn't go quite as crazy as I have in the past though... money is tight, and my kids have way more "stuff" than they need already... They didn't seem to mind though-- give them candy and they are happy, happy, happy!! :)

D's Valentine...



Little A's Present...

Big A's Loot...

The Kids Made Mommy

Some Valentine's Hearts, Too!!!

D Is Very Excited About His Gift!!!

Big A Hold "Harry The Hippo"

Valentine's Boxes.... Everywhere!!!

This morning I went to Big A and D's school to help the class make Valentine Boxes. they have a party on Thursday, but I won't be able to attend because I'm working. Big A always complains that other parents come to school for these events, but I don't. I really wish that I could. I work out of town every Thursday and Friday, so there is no way I can sneak away to get to the parties. Sometimes I can get my Mom to come to town fro big events-- like Thanksgiving Lunch at school, etc. When Theresa was living nearby, she would go to some of these parties, but, still, I wish it could be me. There are a lot of things that I wish I could do for my kids that I can't. At least by helping make the boxes, I can sort of be part of their school valentine's celebration.

Today I really realized how envious I am of two parent households. Well, I have always secretly been envious, but I have never really admitted it out loud. I always say how I don't need anyone, and I can do it all on my own-- and I can... after all I have been doing it for the last 6 years on my own. But, now I really realize what I have been missing-- or at least I got a glimpse of what it might be like to have a "partner". I really like being in control of the decision making process for my kids--no discipline conflicts, etc... But, I really think it would be nice to share family events with another parent... you know, have someone who feels the same love for my children as I do, also someone who I can lean on in times of stress. Someone who loves me for me and loves my children too. I almost said a "real" family, but I stopped myself because I do have a real family. I just think that it would have been nice to have a life partner too. I know that I chose to start my family alone, and I am glad I did-- otherwise I doubt I ever would have had children. If I had waited to meet my soul mate, fall in love, get married, etc., I would still be waiting. I would still be childless. So I am glad I had my kids the way I did. I just feel the twinge of pain at what might have been... Especially now-- when it all seemed to be coming together for me. I really opened myself up to that possibility... Maybe there still will be a possibility, who knows.

I had lunch with my friend Annie today. It was nice. I was not in a good place when I got to her house, but by the end, I was feeling much better. Just sitting outside having coffee with a friend on a beautiful day can really help change the mood. I really want to find my happy place again. I know I will. It just takes time.

Cheer leading practice wasn't as bad a usual tonight... Little A and I made her Valentine Box for school. I covered the box and she decorated it herself-- it turned out very cute! I took pictures with my phone, but I'll have to post them later. After that I did homework with D--- he did a much better job concentrating tonight! He really has improved on his counting, too! I was so proud of him! I was actually able to ignore the knot in the pit of my stomach for a while tonight.

Big A Carefully Constructs Her

Valentine's Day Box

(My Little Type A Personality!)

D, However, Just Jumps Right

Into The Project-- Slathering Glue Onto

His Box!!!

They make me laugh-- that is, when they are not making me pull my hair out!!!

My First Baby...

I just got some cheer leading photos emailed to me, and they made me smile.... I really feel proud of my "first baby" for her efforts this season. I have to admit she is cute in her little cheer leading outfit!!! No matter how frustrated I get with my kids sometimes, I realise that they are the best thing that has ever happened to me... They are my reason.

Big A's Cheer Leading Squad!!!

Must Be A Full Moon...

Well, I started to write a funny post about my kids and how they drive me absolutely crazy, but a phone conversation that I just had ruined that. No more lighthearted mood for me... Too bad, I really needed to blow off some steam by poking fun at myself. Now, instead, I am going to have a good old fashioned cry and feel sorry for myself... Crazy, just crazy. The good thing is that I think that I am starting not to care anymore. I am realizing that what I want to happen with my relationship just isn't. And there is nothing that I can do about it. It really makes me sad, though. I finally opened myself up to the possibility, but it doesn't seem to be working out the way I had hoped it would. It is a shame. I really hoped things would work out-- I guess part of me still does, but it is becoming quite clear that these issues will not be resolved. It just shouldn't be so hard.

Tonight I was told that I was being cold and aloof... And I was. I didn't mean to be, but I guess I just felt that way. I realized when I was told that, that I may be getting some of myself back. Some of the hard, heartless me that I know and feel comfortable with. I know, that is not a good thing... I am well aware that I have serious issues, but these past few months I have felt scared, and lost, and lonely. I have felt so vulnerable and alone. I really need to get back the strong, independant me that I have been for so long. If this relationship is indeed over, will I be able to open myself up to a new one? I don't know. I really wanted, and still want, this one to work. But, hey, at least I tried. I will have some good memories from it.

Anyway, now I'm depressing myself, so I better change the subject...

Here are some photos from my weekend with the kids....

D Builds A House Out Of Lego's...

Climbing the Apple Tree!!!!

Yes, The Tree Is Dying...
I Think This May Be Its Last
Year... But They Still Love
Climbing It!



Little A NEEDS A Haircut!!!

Silly D!!!

" Going To Work..."

Happy Daisy!!!

My Happy Mood....

I haven't posted many photos of my kids lately... probably because I haven't taken many. Also, as you can tell from my latest posts my mood has not been great the past few weeks... I am feeling much better now. Hopefully it will last. I really am very moody lately. I guess I have a lot stress right now, and I let it get to me way too much. I am in a very happy place today, so I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I spent my day off yesterday getting a good bit of work done around the house-- didn't get finished, but I did make a dent... Then I spent the afternoon just chillin'-- no kids, no work, no errands, no stress... Excellent. It was great.... perfect. So today, I am happy. I really like being happy :)

Yesterday morning I took D to his opthomologist before school--- I'm glad they give reminder calls, because I had not written the appointment on my calender. And if it is not on my calender, it does not get done. My mind is blank. Without the calender, nothing will get done. Anyway, we got some good news--- his left eye continues to improve. He is crossing much less now, so the Doctor feels that surgery will not be necessary any time soon. He gets a recheck in June. I do still need to schedule his appointment for Botox and casting.... Add that to my to do list, along with scheduling a neurologist appointment for myself. We are quite the sickly family... :)

Below are some more cheer leading photos....

A Rare Closeup...

Oops, Mommy Had Shaky Hands...

The Pyramid...

A Video Game Junky...

At Least He Stayed Still During

The Game

Little A Practices Her Cheers...

I Think He Was Moving In This One

Big A Is As Tall As The 8 Year Olds...

Half Time Cheers

Go DDY!!!!