In My Head....

I am in my head these days....  Maybe a little too far in my head.  I am finding myself just thinking and not doing... not talking to anyone.  I keep thinking that I want to reconnect with my friends, but I just don't have the mental energy to pick up the phone to call them.   I'm not depressed or filled with anxiety... or maybe I am and I have reached the point of numbness.  I feel myself shutting down.  Becoming more and more introverted.  I go through periods of this, I always have, but I'm not sure whether it is good for me or not.   I feel fine really, just sort of numb about everything.  I guess I would rather feel numb than overwhelmed.   I need to force myself to feel a bit more inspired though--- pull myself out of this perpetual tiredness.  I went to bed early and woke up late, but I am still exhausted.  I am beginning to worry about that..  It makes me wonder if my health is bad and I just don't know it....  I recently had some bloodwork done and it was all normal, but I have a general feeling of unhealthiness, and that worries me.  Maybe stress is just affecting my body.. but that is not a good thing.  Maybe I have internalized my stress.  Yes, that is what I suspect is going on.  I have pushed it back into my head and into my body....  I am tired of thinking about it, so I have stopped thinking about it... at least for today.  I'm not sure that this is the best approach to take, but apparently it is the approach I am taking right now.  I don't know if I should fight the numbness or just let it be for now.   Better than having a panic attack, I suppose.....

Uncluttering The Clutter....

Today is Saturday, and I am up much too early...  In my 'old' life, I would never be up at this hour... But now I am working full time at a hospital, so every other Saturday I work.   I will be honest, that is a pretty hard trade  off for me to make.  I have worked for myself for so long, that it seems like I am taking a step back in my career.  I no longer have have the luxury of making my own schedule--- now I have to make schedule requests, now I have work more days in the week.  What am I gaining by doing this?  Well, I am trying to learn new skills-- a holistic approach to medicine, acupunture, etc. and I have less driving time.   Unfortunately, more money is not a benefit of this job... I am actually taking a pay cut... although in this economy, it is not that much of a cut unfortunately.  I am extremely torn about my decision to take this job.  And, my body seems to be manifesting the stress--- I have been sick for 3 weeks now!!!  The holidays are coming up, and my weekends to work seem to be falling on them...  I am in a better situation than last year though... last year, I was barely working at all during the holidays--- as a result, I dug myself into quite the financial hole.  The up side was that I got to spend a lot of quality time with my children...  Another example of how I feel like I am always making a trade off between time and money.  

I don't mean to complain... I have it way better than some others do... I know this.  I have made my own choices in life--- I chose to become a Single Mother of 3, I chose to put my children before career.   I choose to spend money rather than save....  I chose to take this job.  I know that my next career choice must be to open my own hospital... I know this because I am not a good, loyal employee...  I do not like having to answer to others.  I want to make my own schedule and be the one in charge.  My biggest issues though are motivation, procrastination, and organization.  These are the flaws that I most need to work on within myself.  These flaws affect every aspect of my life--- career, parenting, relationships, even housekeeping.  I have gotten into such a deep rut, that I am having a hard time climbing out of it.  I find myself retreating into my head more and more these days.  I am spending so much time in there, that I am not getting the things done around the house that I need to.  I have let things go for so long that I don't even know where to start...  I never seem to catch up.   I have GOT to do better.  I have got to unclutter both my physical space AND my mind.  I seem to be caught in a viscous cycle...  I think and think and think, but I don't DO.  I plan and plan and plan, but I don't take action to carry out any of my plans.  I make list upon list, but I don't check anything off.  I try to unclutter my mind, but I just seem to make it more cluttered--- I am constantly moving one pile of thoughts to different parts of my brain-- then I make a new pile of thoughts in it's place.   I need to get out the "garbage bag" and start throwing some things away...  Clean out the brain, and clean out the house....

Some of This August's Adventures.....

It has been way to long since I have written any updates...  Things have been so hectic since school started, that I am not even sure where to begin...  So I am just going to post a bunch of photos that pretty much sum up August....  Little A turned 5 years old!!!!  We threw a pool party that was three parties in one--- Little A's 5th, one J's 8th, and the other J's 9th....  As as a result, the party was HUGE and utter chaos!  My memories of the event are foggy and vague... The kids had fun, the Mommies did not.  Too much chaos, too much stress, and too much yelling from Nana for my taste.   Never again.  That's all I have to say about it.

The kids also started Daisy Scouts (Little A), Brownie Scouts (Big A), and Cub Scouts (D)...  They are all very excited!  Again, there seems to be much stress involved for this Mommy....  Particularly in the Daisy/Brownie arena---- details on that deserve their own post, to come later.  I have lots to say about this, and most of it is NOT good...  Mommy needs to VENT!!!!   The kids look very cute in their uniforms though! :)

We also went to Birthday dinners, more Birthday parties, a Braves Game, etc, and so forth...  and I'm only gonna briefly mention the weekends that the Mommies involved stayed up WAY too late trying to be grown ups...  The problem with being an "Only Mom"  (A term that fits us better than "Single Mom") is that the only time to really get to play grown-up is late at night, after children are in bed...  This usually results in a hung-over exhausted Only Moms the next morning.   But it was fun "gabbing with the girls".  So I guess it was worth it.

Then there is the new job... Again this topic deserves its own post....   Confusion is all that can I say about this one right now....  Lists of pros and cons have been made...  gut instincts say one thing, while the brain is saying another.... Guilt is also a factor here.   I will say that I am sick and tired of having a guilty conscience for no reason at all.  Guilt, pressure, and "What ifs.." are my own making.  Shouldn't we always listen to our gut?   Life is never that simple....  Or maybe it is, and I am just making it more complicated.  I suspect that is the case....