A Game....

My poor kids... I had promised Big A that I would play a game with her tonight. It is a game that requires reading... we all tried to play it last night, but the two younger ones couldn't play. But tonight my head is splitting, and I am in a very bad place.. I just can't seem to manage to get the energy to play with her. So, bless her heart, she is in the living room trying to make up a game that the other two can play. She is such a wonderful girl. They all are wonderful children... I am so lucky. I have to keep telling myself how lucky I really am. I had to do what I did--- for them. I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier... I keep thinking what might have been, but I know it was all fantasy. It was a good fantasy... I wish it could have been reality. Last night I was thinking about writing a post about the things that I dream of... one of the things was a house full of music. I finally have a piano.... I couldn't wait to be able to afford to have it restored so it could be played. I fantasized about Pixie playing it and teaching the children to play... The holidays would be full of music... playing and singing... like those old fashioned movies. Doesn't that sound good? I know it probably sounds corny, but just last night I was thinking about that as I went to sleep. I guess that was part of the fantasy.

It is just the four of us, and that is how it must be. I know this. I know that I need to be there for my children. I'm not even sure how to do that right now, but I will. I have no choice. It is so hard though. I feel like a failure. Not because I am, but because I allowed myself to be treated like one. My friends tell me to hold on to the anger.... it will make it easier to be strong. I am trying, but as the night continues on, the anger is giving way to sadness and despair. It is so strange how at one time something can feel so right, and then it can feel so wrong. It is strange that things can feel that way at the same time even. Why? How can people who say they love each other not even begin to understand each other. Why can I not fall in love with someone who actually wants to accept me for me? I am a loving, caring, accepting person.... why can't I get find the same? I guess that I should really stop asking myself this, and just get on with my life. I should stop thinking about what might have been and just accept what I have. I will be okay. I always am in the end. I have to accept that for now anyway I am alone. I am alone with my children, and I will do the best that I can. I can not let myself be colored by what has been said... I know in my gut that my children are okay-- they will be fine, and I can not let other people's criticisms color that. Someone said that I am intuitive... unfortunately I think I am. I saw it coming, but I tried to turn a blind eye. I wish that I could have stopped it, but I couldn't... No matter how hard I wanted things to be different they weren't. It has to get better... I'm so sad, so sad tonight.