Yesterday....

Yesterday was almost too much for me to handle.  It started off full of emotion, stress,and guilt... Then ended with sadness, numbness, and exhaustion.  How can I be sad and numb at the same time?   I'm not sure, but those were the emotions I felt.  Numbness is not a good feeling, but it sure beats complete and utter anguish...  I have not reached acceptance yet.  I'm not sure when I will, but I know I need to get there.  I'm trying... trying really hard.   Until I do, everything I do and experienced will be colored by pain and sadness.   Today I have to start planning for our camping trip.  A trip that I was so looking forward to, but is now just looming in my head as a big reminder of what I have lost.   A trip that will be colored by sadness for me.  The thought of being surrounded by a bunch of happy lesbian and gay families is not very attractive to me right now.  I told someone the other day that I don't consider my family a " lesbian family," and I can't. To me being part of a gay/lesbian family implies having two parents to raise the children.  Maybe I'm wrong, but that is the way I feel right now.   I was considering myself part of that kind of family, but now that is gone.   Right now,  the thought of seeing couples who are raising happy children together makes me feel... I don't know, hopeless?  I am trying so hard to change my thought process... trying not to withdraw back into my self and hold onto anger and hopelessness-- that is my natural tendency.   I need to change that about myself.  I am searching for the way to change it...  I want to feel hopeful for my future.  I want to feel like I can overcome this breakup and move on.  I know in my head that things like this take time, but I don't have much patience...  I want things here and now.  I don't like to wait...  That is another flaw that I have.  Another thing I have to work on within myself.   And I suppose I have to work on it alone.  No one is there to work on it with me.  No one is here to stand by me while I do it.  No one is by my side on this journey.  I do feel anger about this--- no matter how hard I try, I still feel anger.   I wish I didn't, but I do.  I really don't know how to make this journey alone, but I have to find a way....  I have to do it for me and my children.

I was thinking about how just a week and half ago, we were sitting at a restaurant celebrating our anniversary.  We both agreed that this second year would be better for us.  Happier.  I never thought that 5 days later we would be broken up.   I guess by better and happier, we meant better and happier apart.  That is not what I meant.... but I was not the only one in the relationship, so I will have to work on accepting it.  Hmm, back to acceptence.  When will that be?  I wish I could pray.  People tell me I can pray... but don't you have to believe to pray... who would I be praying to? God?, The Universe?, Myself?  Who?   I do try to pray, but I don't know to who... so I don't believe my prayers are being heard.  I never have-- for as long as I can remember.   My first memory of unanswered prayers was after my brother died---- My Mom had told me he had come to her one night, and told her that he was okay.  She was awake when it occurred.  Even now she cries when she tells the story--- so do I.  I was little then (6 years old).  I used to pray every single night that he would come to me... I missed him so much.  He never did.  I think now that maybe that was when I lost all Faith.   I was so little.  And so sad.  It wasn't fair.  Not at all.  I still mourn for that loss--- 33 years later.  The secret I've never told is that sometimes, I still ask for him to come to me.  I still look for that little boy--- I loved that boy.  When Little A was born with her heart problems, I looked into her serious little eyes and wondered if I saw him.  His name was Grayson.  He had serious little eyes too.  He was born with an old soul... his soul will always be in mine.