Great. I was doing pretty good today... just cleaning and folding laundry--- going through the motions of life. Then came the phone call. Fortunately, I was on the phone with my Mom at the time, so I didn't answer it. My mistake was calling back. I don't really know what I was expecting. What I got was idle chitchat. Just as well, I guess there is nothing more to say... Still I wanted more to be said. I wanted to hear " I miss you so much... I love you so much... I want you so much... I can't live without you.... what can we do to make this work... I want to try anything..." Something along those lines. That is not what I got. I know that I am not going to get that either. Because those feelings just aren't there. I have known that for a while now. I just kept trying to turn a blind eye and pretend. I kept hoping that things would work themselves out. I kept planning for a future that I knew would not be. I kept hoping though. Trying to believe that the fairy tale life that I wanted would happen. Even though I knew in my soul that it wouldn't. I have been lonely in this relationship for a while now. You would think the transition would be easy. Still it is not. Before I at least had hope. Now I don't. We have been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. No way that can ever work. I know that in my head. My Mom said that we are just not compatible, so did Kim. The only one that isn't convinced that it isn't for the best is my friend Mike--- I think that's ironic, because he has been unfairly judged in the past.. HA! That makes me laugh! He's right, it is not over for me, not yet. But it has to be. I know this in my head. I just wish my heart would follow suite. It will get better with time, I know this from past experience, but only if I cut all ties. That is going to be so so hard. Actually impossible for the next 3 weeks anyway--- the kids are involved. God, that was a mistake. My Mom spent the better part of an hour chastising me about that today. She really gave me the guilt trip... not just about mine, but about hers. It is a shame. What the fuck am I teaching them?! My problem is that in order for me to try to remain sane, I need to have no contact. But by doing that they all will suffer. Then again, for me to even be functional for my own children-- the ones that live with me, I need to forget and get on with my life. This is a big decision. I know what is best for me. Funny, what is best for me, is also worst for me. I don't even know how to not talk to her. All I know, is that I was fine today, and now I am sitting out on my front porch drinking a margarita and crying as I write this--- after only a 5 minute conversation. That is fucked right up. Thank GOD I am going to see Kim tonight. She is like a rock--- the voice of reason. The practical voice of reason. The best thing is that she has been through the EXACT same thing--- and made it out the other side. I respect her opinion.
I told my Mom today that I had no faith. Surprisingly she didn't flip out. She already knows of course... she did tell me about a psalm that helped her get through her divorce with my Dad... she said that if I read it enough it would comfort me. I will look it up tonight and I will think of the tear stained page that she told me about. It must be such a comfort to have faith--- to not feel so alone all of the time. She also didn't disagree when I said I wanted to move away. I assured her that I realize that I can never move away from myself, and she said this was true but sometimes the place you live can add more stress to your life. She told me that she prays every day for my safety while I drive so far to work... she fears for me. I know what she means... for the last few years, I have had a feeling that I would die on the highway. It is a fear--- not because I am afraid of death, but because I am afraid of what would happen to my children. They need me--- even if I am a damaged person, I am the only thing they have. I told her about my dream to live at the beach... my dream of a simple life, a quiet life. She actually seemed to agree with it. Then she began reminiscing about her childhood in Myrtle Beach. Our conversation made me realize that my Mom has been through all forms of Hell and back... she is alive and has wisdom that she doesn't even know she has...
So I decided that I have to make a goal for myself... That seems to be the only way I have survived the last 39 years... I am a person who sets unreasonable goals and reaches them. Examples are-- going to Vet school after quitting High school, coming out as a lesbian after being in a perfectly good heterosexual relationship, having children without a partner, adopting from Russia without a partner, etc. and so for... Some would question the wisdom of my decisions, but none would question my ability to achieve those goals... When I really decide to do something, I do it. Since the goal of having a lasting relationship with the one I love has fallen through, my next goal will be this. Within the next 2 years, I will move to a small town--- hopefully near the sea, and have a simpler life. A quiet, stress free life. To reach this goal I will battle my inner demons and I will step up to the plate and fix the financial issues that are keeping me from this goal. I will focus all of my energy on it--- just like I have in the past. I have 3 children now, and I must do what is best for them--- what is best for them is to have a sane, stress free Mother. A Mother who is present for them and them alone. If a partner is meant to be, she (or he) will come in good time.
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