The pounding in my head is getting worse. Through out the night I felt it. It could be hormones, but I think it is the inner turmoil. The me that feels doomed fighting the hopeful me. Trying to reach back into the past to overcome my demons, has caused my body to revolt. My psyche is wrecking my health. No matter how much I say to myself "It will be okay, It will be okay, It will be okay...." The feeling of fear and panic still seems to win. I am alone. To take care of me... to take care of my children... to take care of my life. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it. I think back and I have always been alone. As a child I felt alone... as a teenager I felt alone... as an young adult I felt alone... now at almost forty, I feel alone. Every one seems amazed at how much I have accomplished alone--- DVM, veterinary career, two biological children, one child adopted from Russia, etc... " How do you do it alone?" I get asked that all of the time. The answer is simple..... I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!!! It is not what I want! It is what I thought I wanted, but I was wrong. Careful what you wish for Nicole.
This morning I opened a thread on Facebook between some of my cousins... it concerned my Uncle. A big topic in our family the last few years... This was my answer to the question:
" NICOLE OSBORNE July 17 at 8:05am
I will say that none of us will probably ever find out the whole truth. I honestly think that both Kenny AND Jeanie went off the deep end right into the land of crazy.... they have both used their children as pawns in their little stupid war. I believe Kenny had a little "mid-life" crisis and now he's paying the price--- baby, limited access to his grandchildren, no relationship with his daughters, etc... But Jeanie has spread horrible rumors (whether they are true or not will never be known) about Kenny and has alienated him fr his retarded daughter. They are both at a war that will probably never end. It is sad, but the only ones to blame are Kenny AND Jeanie. Our family has a genetic predisposition to mental illness--- we all know that. I especially do! :) So what if Kenny lost his mind... the tragedy is that instead of being there for him, and trying to help him, his entire family has turned against him and villianized him. What those people need to remember ( but they won't) is how much he has helped them throughout the years-- not just his immediate family, but all of us.... he has given his money and time to many of us at one time or another throughout our lives... he has given All the members of MY immediate family free legal advice at one time or another, and he has paid for numerous family reunions for us all. He was always one of the mainstays of our family.... he and Margaret were the ones who valued the importance of our roots. Yet when he finally "lost" his mind (like we all seem to do eventually), no one was there to support him... instead they judged him. None of the people who are throwing stones at him have the slightest room to. We all live in glass houses... It is a shame that this has happened. I bet when Kenny finally dies, there will be a long line at the reading of his will. I just have to shake my head at the whole thing. All the "Christians" in our family are so quick to judge... and crucify... ironic. "
My family tree is full of pain and anguish. Mental and physical. For me it is on both sides. How do I overcome it? How do I get past it? I am trying to find the way to break the cycle. Some days I feel hopeful... Lately those days are few and far between... My Dad used to talk about " The Osborne Curse". He used that term to mean how women swooned... Haha. He would look in the mirror at himself and say "God, I look good! It's the Osborne curse!" And we would all laugh! He was right.. there is an Osborne Curse... and a Robinson Curse.... That curse is the genetic predisposition to depression and addiction. It is real and present in so many of my family--- including me. I have lived with it for my entire life and I have passed it on to my children. I have to find a way to break that curse. I have to for my children. It may be too late for me.... God I hope not!! But I cannot bare to see my children suffer and feel alone for the rest of their lives, like I do. I want them to be happy. I want me to be happy. I do not want to be my Father or my Mother or my Uncle... I do not want to give up and give in.... although at times it seems that that would be the easiest thing to do. My Father gave up-- and died. My Mother has given up--- she just seems to exist now. My Uncle gave up-- he lives as the family villian, so many others have given up as well. I must find a way to overcome it. My answer has been a pill --- now that pill no longer seems to work. Circumstances in my life are not good. The fairy tale life I wanted is not materializing. I seem to be fighting a battle I can't win. I do NOT want to give up though. I feel the need to run. I am aware that running will not let me escape myself, but I want to run anyway. I want things to be easy, but things will never be easy. I don't think that is my place in life to have things easy. I need to accept that and fight the hard battle. For my children. I wish I could have faith, I wish I could have faith, I wish I could have faith..... I have lived for 39 years without it. It would be so nice to feel safe within my faith like so many others seem to.... But I suspect that that is not my lot in life. I have to find another way to win the war within myself. And if I must do it alone, I will do it alone.
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