Why?

When will all this get easier?  I keep hoping that I will suddenly feel peace about this breakup.  But I don't.  I am not sure that I have accepted it completely. I keep hoping that time would go backward... that we could be in a good place again. That the future would look bright and cheery.  That we could have figured out a way to make things work.  Why were the good times so good??? Why were the bad times so bad???  Why do I feel such a pull towards her?  Why can't I feel okay about this?  Why do I miss her so much?  Why do I crave her touch?  Why do I want to talk to her every second of the day?  Why can't I get her out of my mind?  This is not fun.  Not at all.  I am exhausted from thinking about it.  My heart is so heavy.  My friends keep telling me to be strong... that this is the right thing.  But why does it feel so wrong?  Why does my heart feel this way? 

Today when I picked up the kids, Little A asked when Pixie would spend the night at our house again... Then she asked if we could eat at her house....  That is what hurts the most.... knowing that not only do I have to feel this pain and loss, but my children do as well.  That is horrible, horrible, horrible.  I never want my kids to hurt. And they are going to hurt.  Because of me.  I put them in this situation.  That is not right.

God, I'm sick of thinking about it... So let me think of something else to write about..... Let's see, what has been going on with my kids?  Well.... Last Thursday I took Little A and D to the ophthalmologist.  Little A had failed her vision test at school, so she needed an exam.  D was simply due for his yearly exam.  Little A passed her exam with flying colors... much to her chagrin.  She was VERY disappointed not to get glasses.  Funny, the grass is always greener....  D, however, needs a much stronger prescription than before.  He now must have BIFOCALS.  Poor boy, only 6 years old and he requires bifocals.  That sucks.  The doctor said that it would probably be hard for him to get used to looking through them.  I'm not looking forward to that... 

Today, D had an appointment to get his blood pressure checked because he started Concerta a couple of weeks ago.   His blood pressure was fine.  And I told the pediatrician that the medicine seemed to be working at the low dose, and his side effects, like loss of appetite and insomnia, were virtually nonexistent... But, as soon as we left and went shopping for glasses, he made a hyperactive spectacle of himself.  Then at dinner, he barely ate a thing... And just now, at 9:57pm, he got up out of bed for the second time... guess he can't sleep!  What?!?  Well, I  guess I may need to call the doctor back....