Ugh... It is early and I have a bit of a hangover, but I can't go back to sleep. Normally my kids would be up and about, keeping my mind occupied, but they are at Theresa's house. They spent the night there last night so that I could go to Pixie's birthday party. I was supposed to spend the night, but I ended up leaving and coming back home. I want to forget the whole night happened, in fact I want to forget everything. My gut told me it was a mistake. I should have listened.
It started raining a few minutes ago... I guess soccer will be canceled. Oh well, the rain will keep me inside. Maybe I can actually get my house cleaned with the kids gone for a while. Thank God for Theresa. She talked to me the entire way home and she let me cry and she told me what I knew already. She said that someday I will meet the right person for me. She said that I deserve so much more than I feel I do. She told me not to give up hope. I wish she had been here to hug me. I needed that so bad last night. Despite all of the weirdness between us that has occurred in the last year, she is there for me. And I know she always will be. She will always be one of my truest friends. She is my family and she knows me and she loves me and she loves my children--- unconditionally. I don't think I can keep hope though... I mean of meeting the right person for me... I'm not sure I will ever meet my life partner. Maybe I will someday, but I can't look right now. I am so sad today. I am so lonely. I feel so betrayed. I need to let go completely now. I need to close this chapter in my life and move on. I need to get it together... on my own. I need to get back to the place I was in 2008. I know that probably sounds bad--- after all my heart was hardened, I had no desire to open it up to anyone... and that may not sound to most people like a healthy way to live. But I was safe. And I was happy. And no one could break my heart. I had my children and I had my friends and I had my family (sort of) and I was satisfied. That was enough. The past two years have been hard for me. I have tried to let two people into my heart. I have opened myself up and felt the insecurity that comes along with that. And in both cases, I have been wrong. I have been broken by these two relationships. In different ways--- completely different ways. It is actually quite laughable if I really think about it. Two completely different people, and neither of them was the right one. It makes me wonder if there is a "right one" for me. Theresa says there is. Maybe she is right. She knows me probably better than anyone. She has been part of my life for the last 6 years... the closest person to me. I look at my house and my children and in all of it I see her. She has been there. She has helped me. She has loved us. We have been a family. So why do I even want to find a life partner? I had it all in 2008 ( except the sexual intimacy). Why did I ruin it? I guess that is what it was... the desire to feel physically close to someone, as well as emotionally close. Maybe for me those two things can not be from the same person. Maybe I just need to accept that. The other day I said that I wish I could meet my soul mate. Pixie said that I do have soul mates... I see that she was right. Theresa is one of my soul mates. Steve was one of my soul mates. Missi was one of my soul mates. I am sure that there are others, but these three people knew me and loved me and helped to mold my life. Without Steve, I never would have become a veterinarian--- he gave me courage and helped me see that I was intelligent and I could become what ever I wanted. We were good friends more that lovers, but we had the same interests and we were comfortable with each other. I still dream about him to this day--- 15 years later. And I hope his life is good. Missi helped me to see life as an adventure... without her, I probably would never have made it through vet school. In her I found a companion who helped keep my life sane during one of the most stressful times-- I mean school. She was spontaneous and happy and adventurous... and she brought that side out in me. She could make me laugh so easily and she showed me that you can find joy in the simplest things--- she would pick me up from clinics my senior year of vet school and whisk me off to North Carolina for night snowboarding, then have me back the next day in time for rounds.... Crazy... we would be listening to the Indigo Girls and she would sing, while I slept the whole way home. She still seems to call me from Texas at just the right times. Theresa was my only family. Without her, I would not have my beautiful son, or probably Little A for that matter. She helped me in so many ways. She supported me when my family turned their backs on me. She loved my children with all of her heart-- she still does. She and I both find so much joy in watching them have fun and laugh. She encouraged me to improve my home, she helped me build everything around here. She picked the kids up, and took them to the doctor, and fed them and loved them unconditionally. She traveled everywhere we went-- even to Russia. She never hesitates in telling me when I am wrong, but she also never hesitates in telling me that I am doing good. I know that I can count on her for anything. She will always be there and I will always love her for that. I have been so lucky to have these people in my life. They have been placed in my life just when I have needed them, and I will always be grateful for that. I guess I should count my blessings instead of cry over failed relationships. I may never find "the one", or my life partner, or what ever you want to call it, but I have people in my life who truly love me and truly love my children, so I should count my blessings. I am grateful for this. It is a time of new beginnings. It is Spring, and life is starting new. I love this time of year. I have so many things that I want to do... time for me to be back in project mode--- that is where I am happiest. I have always got to be planning something, building something, doing something... yes, it is usually for my kids... But that is what makes me happy and at peace. Today I will clean and organize and plan my spring projects, and I will try with all my might to keep my mind off this last failed relationship. I will focus on the relationships that really matter. My family.
1 comment:
hang in there.
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