The Answer....

It is almost time to wake up the kids.  They have to catch the bus today at 6:42am.  I had strange dreams last night, but I can't remember them right now.  Sometimes my dreams come back to me in bits and pieces throughout the day, and they are usually quite bizarre and sometimes shocking.  I think I am definitely in a time of transition.  I am on the ledge.  And I have a choice.... either I fall or I fly...  Right now I am desperately searching for my wings.  I have to find them, because I DO NOT want to fall.  I CAN NOT fall.  I must learn to fly.  

 

I woke up this morning and I got an answer to my question.. or at least a path to take to find the answer...  Someone I don't even know wrote this to me....

"Some of us have the ability to walk the Shaman's path - b/w life and death and teeter on the very edge. Most of us need a little help from our friends.......do not be alone in your journey. Reach out. We all have gifts to bestow and sometimes walking through the darkness, we appreciate the light. But sometimes we need a little guidance...a little ... See Morereminder ... of why we are even here...allow that opening. Visualize something fantastic in your life -- even if it feels minute - just a small tiny sparkle...laughter of a child, purr of a cat, blossom of a flower, flitter of a hummingbird...what works for you? Then go deeper, much deeper...and ask for the right teachers to come in. Do something very easy - pick up a few magazines and whatever makes you feel good, cut it out. Words. Pictures. Maps...we call it Treasure mapping. Colors...people...make a collage. What is the message to you? Only you. Put together supportive words. This is but one exercise. You need to be surrounded by people who think in the positive - the way you want your life to be. Who makes you feel good? Feel valued? Stay away if only for a brief time of those that feed the negative...and each time you think of something negative "I'm not worthy...good enough...STOP...CANCEL...replace with I am a child of the Universe and the world is plentiful. I share in grace and love and kindness and fun! I surround myself with people who are genuine and care and enjoy the fruits of life." May sound silly...but you are an incredibly power-filled being and you can create exactly what you want. I put affirmations in my car, on my bedroom mirror, wherever you need a reminder. "It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom" -- I have pics of the prosperity goddesses on my bathroom mirror. Whatever works for you....do it. I support you."

 

I realize that I have been trying to walk this path alone... I have been in therapy for several months, and I have been trying to deal with the images and memories that have come up from my childhood alone.  These raw, scary feelings have come back out and the emotions have entered my dreams, and have entered my waking life as well.  The anger has been building back up.  I had my temper under control for so long, but now I seem to have so much anger and hurt again.  Old wound shave been opened up and I need support and love to surround me to help me through this time.  I do need to stay away from negativity... I need to reach out to those who will actually be there for me.  Who will not give up on me and feed my negative feelings about myself.  I need to visualize the right teachers entering my life...  The right friends.....  I need to move past my self loathing and guilt and enter a place of self- forgiveness.  I have made many mistakes and I have hurt the ones that I love.  I am sorry for that.  It is time to forgive myself and move on to a peaceful place.  A place of self acceptance and self love.  This is going to be one of the hardest journeys I will ever have to face, but I have to take it... for me.  Someday, the people I have hurt will forgive me-- I hope, but now I have to concentrate on forgiving myself.  I am not my father. I am not my mother.  I am me, and I am a mother to my children. I want their lives to be good and I do not want them to suffer as I have with depression and self hate.  I must find my wings. If that means I let go of people who can not support me in my journey and who can't help me find a way to move past my anger and fear, then I will have to.  As much as that hurts me now, I have to visualize the right teachers and people coming into my life.  So many people tell me that visualizing what I want will work... I am going to try it.  I am going to concentrate on removing the negative and manifesting the positive.  I will find my faith and I will find my teachers.  I am letting go... and I am finding my wings.