It is funny how quickly things can change... How emotions can screw things up... Especially between women. I have lost two friends recently... both times over uncontrolled emotions. I am definitely not very good at controlling my emotions. I keep trying to get control of my emotional self, but I have yet to figure it out. I have tried every way I know how-- hiding my emotions, being honest with my emotions, trying to feel emotions that aren't there... you name it. I've tried it. And every single time I screw up. Haha! I really have lost three friends recently--- the third being cigarettes... That "friend" is one I need to stay out of my life, but is looming, looming, looming in the background... That one can stay lost as far as I'm concerned.
I wonder why I am so screwed up emotionally... I am sure that part of it comes from having been raised in a violent household and losing my brother at a young age. But, why can't I move past all of that? Why haven't I been able to keep myself in check and just be at peace with my life? Why do I always want more than I have? Why can't I just be satisfied with my life the way it is? Why do I constantly have to struggle with depression?
I mean I have everything I should want... except a girlfriend, of course... That's where one issue lies. I always pick ones that aren't right for me, or are not available for me. Why? That is the question I have never been able to answer... And why do I even need a girlfriend? My life is fine just the way it is. Or, at least it should be. Well, if I can ever completely get my life organized it will be fine that is... And relationships are so complicated... especially when kids are involved. But still adult company sometimes would be nice...
Oh well, someday I suppose. When your least expecting it, it will find you... that's what they say... Although, it probably won't happen if I don't get some serious therapy and figure myself first... Maybe that should go a little bit higher on my to do list.... Haha!
Oh well, Things are what they are, and I will just have to try and accept them... Get on with my life... Tomorrow will be a better day.
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