It's 7:30am, and instead of getting my kids up and ready for school, I am having yet another cigarette... I have GOT to quit smoking so much. There is really no need for it. This past weekend, I took Big A on a Mother/Daughter campout at a local Girl Scout Camp, and I barely smoked at all... I did fine. I had my trusty gum on hand... I should really quit... for me and my kids. I hate that I started back in the first place. I look back on the day I smoked my first cigarette and wish I had it all to do over. I was having a mini nervous breakdown at work-- over something/someone that seems so stupid now--- and the tech at work offered me a smoke... that was the end of that! Stupid. Just plain stupid. Now I am a smoker again... have been for a year and a half now. Yuck. My birthday is coming up in a couple of months... I will be 40. I don't want to be a 40 year old smoker. I need to quit by then. I wonder if I will do it. It is not a matter of whether I can do it or not. It is simply a matter of whether I will do it or not.
A tech at work asked me the other day if I was having a Mid-life crisis.... I realized that I think I am. I am ready for a change in my life... A big one. I am ready to move and start over somewhere else. Reinvent my life... Reinvent my career.... Simplify things. I envision myself in a smaller town, by the ocean, with a simple, happy, relaxing life. Pixie says I like to run away from things, maybe she's right. But running away from Atlanta seems like the right thing to do. It is not something I am capable of doing right at this very moment, but it is definitely my goal in the near future. I want to be out of here within the next few years. That is certain. I am just tired of the traffic and tired of the rat race here.... I want to be able to own my own hospital... I want to have control. Simple as that. Control over my work, my life, my leisure time.... But I have got to get myself in the right frame of mind to be able to accomplish these goals. I have to get myself organized and get things in order before I can even attempt to move.... But I guess I can still daydream about it. Some say that visualization can bring about change. That is what I'm doing visualizing the future I want....
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