The Dark Side....

I am NOT in a good mood... I'm not even sure why. I guess because I am sitting here at home alone on a Saturday night... trapped. I need a babysitter. I need to get out. My friend Annie called earlier and was complaining about not having anyone to go out with tonight. Shit, I thought... I would LOVE to go out with her. But, alas, my kids are tucked safely in their beds with no one to watch them but me. The Pixie is at her house drinking with the Kenyans, must be nice. Someone to talk to. Not me, I'm sitting on my couch typing on this stupid computer, looking at my filthy house--- the one I should have cleaned during my days off this week. But, I didn't... I will this week. For sure. Man, I am feeling really pissy. Maybe it is a good thing I am alone--- I am likely to start a fight. Too bad. You would think that I would be spending my weekend night with my girlfriend---- since it is such a pain in the ass to spend the night together during the week. At least it is for me. I have three kids to pack for and get up and out the door in the morning to school. I spent the night Thursday.. after working all day. And in my haste to get the kids' clothes packed and get over there in time for them to get to bed by 8:00pm, I forgot to get something that Little A needed for class. She was supposed to bring something that starts with "F" for show-n-tell. Yeah, I know that it may not seem like a big deal, but it was a big deal to her and I let her down. That made me feel like shit.

It is such a balancing act trying to take care of my children's needs and take care of my own needs at the same time. I am not good at it. The children's needs should always come first... It was soooo much simpler when I felt nothing. No need for adult love, no lust, no need for any of that romantic shit. All I wanted to do was be a Mommy. I was numb and I liked it. Yes, I have said this repeatedly.... but things sure were simpler. I guess simpler is not always better though. I know that the Pixie is good for me and is everything that I could wish for in a girlfriend, and I do love her, so don't think I am complaining at all about her. It is just hard to juggle two families. In fact, it is a pain in the ass. At least it is sometimes.... Like I said, I am in a very bad mood tonight... it will go away by morning. I'll be back to my "laughing" self again tomorrow. The dark side will be kept under wraps and people will comment on how happy I seem and how I laugh and joke all the time.... My clients will love me, my friends will confide in me, my girlfriend will give me kisses, and my kids will talk incessantly about everything under the sun, and I will listen and smile. Goodnight.