Not The Way I Planned It...

There are many reasons that I write this blog. My Mom thinks I'm crazy to put my life out there for all of the world to see. Maybe she's right... Maybe I should keep things private. And I do to an extent. There are some things that are better left unsaid. But, I guess I write this blog because I need to. It is sort of like therapy for me-- in a way. That may be why I tend to focus on the more pessimistic side of my life. I tend to write more when I am upset or depressed-- which seems to happen more and more frequently lately. I have noticed that when things are going well in my life, I tend to skip my blog-- or I write a brief synopsis of the day... nothing of real interest. Not to say that anything I write is of real interest, but you know what I mean... I should be very interesting tonight though!!!

Things didn't go well tonight. As you may know, I have been in a "relationship" with someone from my past for the last few months.... Never a good Idea, I know... Especially because she broke my heart way back when... But that is the past, right? So anyway, we have been fighting-- mainly because I was PMSing and I felt needy and didn't feel loved, etc.... you women know what I'm talking about, right? Anyway, tonight I asked her if we could talk when I got home from work (let me interject that she did pick up my kids from school for me-- that is very nice of her). She texted me-- sure... she could stay to talk. Of course, when I got home, I found out that she really couldn't stay for very long.. something about buying "snack " for her daughter's High School Basketball Team... Sounded a little strange to me, but what do I know... Anyway, I tried to tell her how I felt... never easy for me, as I cannot talk... I am horrible when it comes to verbal communication. I can, sort of , write what I feel, but I can never, ever say it effectively. Basically, I suck. I am not a good communicator. I usually just say something sarcastic-- which gets me into trouble every time... At least I'm predictable.

Needless to say, I did not get my feelings across... Because if I had, she would have immediately realized the error of her ways and taken me into her arms and told me that she "could not live without me"-- or some other romantic cliche... In any event, we ended up getting into an even worse "fight"-- or "battle of wills"--- or whatever it was... Really I'm not sure. It seems all a blur now... I do know the gist of it though--- I think the gist is that we broke up... Although, I still maintain that we were never in a "real" relationship in the first place. I often felt like the "booty call"... I really shouldn't complain, because I did enjoy the sex... But remember, I was madly in love with her years ago, and I don't think I ever got over it. So I am here now-- again heartbroken-- or is it infuriated? Maybe I am both. Maybe I am a fool. Yes, I am a fool. But, also I think that she is a fool for ever letting me go... I am a catch!!! Or maybe I let her go-- it's all every confusing right now. :) I feel better now though--- See blogging is therapy for me --- and it is free! :)

Maybe tomorrow I will be sane again... ;)