Morning Musings...

I woke up tired and bewildered this morning. I am so tired of being tired. I am also so tired of feeling lonely. I was never really lonely before. It doesn't make sense that I am supposed to be in a relationship with someone (yes-- we apparently are still in a "relationship"), yet I feel more alone than I did before I started dating again. Also, whenever I try to make my feelings known, it ends up a fight. I really need to think about this. Also, I am tired of being called "insane"--- I never said I was sane. I don't pretend to be. I have issues. I never pretended not to. I can call myself crazy all day. But I resent someone else calling me crazy. It makes me want to say "FUCK YOU!"

I have realized lately that I have very few real friends. That is okay, but what is not okay is that I don't get to see them often. They all live in other cities. I really need to increase my circle of friends. I need to be more social-- get out of the house more. I need a "girl's night out", but I have no girls to go out with. I used to be very social-- pre children. But I lost touch with most of my circle when I became a Mom. None of them had kids. I need to make friends with people who have kids close in age to mine-- I think that makes it easier. I always tell people, "yeah, let's have drinks" or "let's do dinner", but I never follow through. I definitely need to be more social. I need to get out of my head-- stop worrying about money, my health, my "relationship". Just go out and have a good time sometimes. But first I have to find a babysitter. :)