My Faith is Gone

As usual, I got news from my agency that I did not want to hear. I don't even know if I can write about it because it just makes me so upset... Anyway, I will try. Yesterday I spoke to my social worker to see if I needed to get an update on my homestudy soon. She said that I would not need an update until April 2008 when my I600A expires, but I will have to get my fingerprints redone, because they will expire in January 2008. She also told me "I told you so" about having picked the adoption agency I did. She reminded me that the agency that she had recommended to me got their re accreditation back in July. She said that she was under the impression that all the agencies that would be accredited this year have already been accredited. She said that she does not think that WACAP will receive accreditation at all this year. That, of course , made me feel terrible. Unfortunately, I believe her. I have also heard those rumors over the Internet grapevine.

Now for the part that is upsetting me so... I emailed the adoption agency representative to tell her what my social worker had said. She emailed back this evening to say that she did not think my home study social worker had heard valid info, and that there is no credible reason to believe that they won't get re accredited this year. Unfortunately, I think the fact that no US agencies have received re accreditation since July speaks for itself. I believe my social worker. Now for the "semi-good news" (at least that's how the agency rep. put it). The DOE in Sakhalin may allow one family to travel soon--and guess what? It is not me. The agency Rep. said that the DOE picked the other family because they had a home study through WACAP --she said that they were more comfortable with that, because they felt that that family would be more likely to do their post placement reports. I guess that is good news for that family. It is not good news for me -- not even "semi-good news". All that little news tells me is that the DOE looked at my dossier and didn't choose it. What is to say that they will approve my adoption at all! It makes my fears that this adoption will not go through all seem more valid. I really think that I have made a mistake in my agency choice. I should have listened to my social worker in the first place. But I had to go and "fall in love" with a picture on a waiting child list. Now if I give up with this agency, I give up on "D". So, I am between a rock and a hard place. I no longer have any faith in this agency and I am beginning to feel a lot of anger about the whole situation.

I tried to pray about it the other night and I couldn't--I couldn't even manage to make myself say "please God". I don't think that I have any faith period. Despite my skepticism, I have always had some faith deep down. I think that that is gone now. This whole adoption process, and issues with my mom, have been eating away at what little faith that I still had. And I think that it is finally all gone.