A Letter To You....

I wish I could say how I feel... I wish I knew how I felt.  I wish I could understand what I feel.  Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't have any feelings at all.   I'm writing this to you...  You say that reading this blog is the only way you can get into my  head and  know what I'm feeling.  I wish I could tell you now.  I'm sorry that I've been so angry.  I'm angry with you, and I'm angry with myself.  I'm angry that the whole situation has reached this point.  I'm angry that we can't communicate... that we don't hear each other or listen to what we are saying to each other.  I'm angry that we both blame each other for our problems.  I'm angry that I feel criticized by you, and I'm angry that you don't feel comfortable around me.  I'm angry that the good is gone, and I'm sad that the good is gone.  I'm angry that we both dropped the ball.  I'm sad and angry that neither of us tried.  When I tried, you weren't ready... and when you wanted to try, I wasn't ready.  Why?   I'm angry and sad that we may have ruined our friendship.  I'm angry that we didn't fit together easily... in theory it all looked so right...  Why couldn't it have been right?  Why couldn't it have been easy and happy and perfect?  Why couldn't we have fit neatly into each other's idea of the perfect partner?  Maybe it was doomed from the start...  Maybe we did rush in too fast, then pull back too far.  I wish I knew the answers.  I wish we had tried harder at the beginning to learn to communicate with one another.  I wish so many things.  I wish we could go back to that happy time.  But I just don't know how.  I don't want to be angry anymore.  I don't want us not to be comfortable with one another.  I don't want the tension to be there.  I just don't know how to stop it.  Will time make it better or worse?  Is there something salvageable?   Why can't things just be easier?  Why?  It makes no sense that we are so compatible in some ways, but so completely incompatible in other ways.  What do we do?  I don't want to lose you from my life, but I just don't want this anger and dysfunction to go on anymore....