If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Okay. I've got it. I understand that I have to keep trying to make the best of a not so great situation. I need to be thinking positively and use my time and energy constructively. I don't need to let myself spiral into a "doom and gloom" outlook on life. I need to keep my chin up and keep pluggin' away to reach my goals... Blah, blah, blah..... I know all of this and I am trying, but I keep getting a gut feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better. I found out some things today that increase my worries. Things I wish that I didn't know. Things that may or may not directly affect me, but my gut says they will. And it seems that my gut has been trying to tell me some things all along that I haven't been listening to. But how can I listen when I feel so trapped? That is the problem that I am having. Everywhere I turn all signs seem to keep pointing me in a different direction, but that direction isn't clear. And how do I get where I'm supposed to be going if I keep running into road blocks? What is my purpose? How do I find out? These are all questions that haunt me at night and keep me from sleep.
I want to ask for help, but there is no one to help. And I don't even really know what I need help with. Life. That's what I need help with. Fear. I want my fear to be taken away. I want to find where it is I'm supposed to be and what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I want to find the energy and the will to do it. I'm running on fumes. I've got so many things to worry about at once that I don't even know where to begin. So I feel myself shutting down and hiding my head. I can't do this. I have to pull myself out of it and go on, but it is getting harder and harder. And I feel so alone.
Let me again try to write a positive. Today is another beautiful day. The air smells so good, the sun is shining, the colors seem bright. I may not be able to get outside and enjoy it, but at least I'm making some money.
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