Why I Cried.

Tonight I did something no Mother should ever do. I cried in front of my children. Not just tears, but sobbing, heaving, heart aching cries. I know I scared them because they all started to cry as well. But I just couldn't stop. I cried for many reasons. I cried because I feel like a failure as a parent-- my kids act out of control all of the time. I cried because I am a failure at relationships--I finally thought I had found love, but it just doesn't seem to work. I cried because I am totally overwhelmed most of the time. I cried because I feel so totally alone, and I want so bad not to be. I cried because no matter how hard I try, I have no faith at all. I cried because I am always so deeply depressed. I cried because I am not going to be able to financially make it soon- the savings account is running out. I cried because sometimes mean things come out of my mouth and I let them. I cried because my health is not good and I am not addressing the problem. I cried because sometimes I don't want to be the one in charge- sometimes I just want someone to take care of me, and there is no one to do that. It is just me. I am the responsible one, and it scares the Hell out of me sometimes. I cried because my heart is broken, and it hurts sooo badly. I just cried and cried. In fact, I am still crying.

So is Big A-- in her bed crying. I should know better than to upset her like that. She is so incredibly sensitive... She is just like me. She will suffer from severe depression as I have. I see it and it makes me so sad. She got those genes from me. She is like a clone of me. God, I hope she doesn't have to live through the pain I have had to live through.

I remember when she was a baby. It was just the two of us. I was sooo in love with her. She never took the bottle, so I would have to go breast feed her on my lunch break every day. I would take her to the car, feed her and read her stories-- even when she was an infant. She loved them. I took her everywhere with me... She would fall asleep on the couch next to me every night. She never slept in her crib-- she slept in my bed until she was 4 years old. We were inseparable. No wonder she is so sensitive and clingy to me. Tonight I was livid with her. I put too much pressure on her to behave-- to set the example. I shouldn't do that. She is only 6 years old for crying out loud. There is another example of bad parenting I guess.

I sent them all to bed without supper tonight. I have only done that once before. Really, I don't think they deserved it tonight. I took my hurt feelings and misery out on them. All they did was act like wild, disobedient children. But I was so upset by my own personal situation, that I lost it. I told them that they acted bad and that they would go to bed without dinner, so I had to stick to the punishment. I feel so guilty about it now.... Another reason that I cried.

This rambling doesn't make much sense at all, but then again, I don't suppose it has to. I am just writing to write. To get it all out of my head. I guess I must not care what people think about me. No need to impress anyone. I am not the super human that I want to be. I really am not sure that I am even a good person right now. I am insecure and lonely and sad tonight. Tomorrow I may be better, but then again, I may not be-- who knows... I guess when I wake up I will find out. Life will go on. I will feel better at some point. I will survive. I always have. I will continue on whatever path this is that I am taking... I will either come out of this "bad patch" as a stronger, better person or a more hardened, jaded one. I prefer the former. If you read this Dee, I think I will get some therapy (as you suggested). In fact I know I will. I have to. I am a Mother and I owe it to my children not to screw them up anymore that I already have. I owe that to them, and I owe that to myself. I will call on Monday and make an appointment. That is a promise.