Adventures of Broken Hearted Me....

Thank God the sun is shining today... I think that I would have gone completely insane if it had been raining again. I have got to get the kids out of the house today!!! I attempted to yesterday-- we went to IHOP for breakfast and ran a few errands, but they need to go play somewhere-- the park perhaps. We have been couped up for days... I don't have any house calls today, so it looks like it will be another long day-- just me and the kids.

Business really has been slow lately--this economy sucks. I have to sit down and look at my money situation today, and it won't be pretty. My savings is rapidly dwindling... Something has got to change. I guess I'll make it through, but I am really starting to worry. Maybe I'll buy the winning lottery ticket today! :)

I have got to get out of this funk that I am in. I need to get back into my happy place. I have made a lot of mistakes in the last few months. The biggest of which was to get involved with someone that I dated in the past. Eight years ago she broke my heart, and I have let her do it again! Talk about a moron! I knew better, but I let myself get involved anyway... I can not believe myself sometimes. The ironic thing is that I was doing just fine-- I had not dated anyone in 4 years and didn't even miss it! Yes, 4 YEARS!!! I should have remained in my happy, numb world of celibacy!!! Now I may miss having sex!!! :) But more than that, I think I will miss the feeling of being "loved"... Whatever that means. Maybe, subconsciously, I let myself make this mistake on purpose-- maybe I really have the need to suffer... In life there is always the "one" that you can never completely get over. The one that gets under your skin and never completely goes away... She was that one. I fell in love with her at first sight eight years ago. And when she broke my heart, I felt like dying. It was a very, very bad time for me. A time that I have never completely gotten over. I have never let anyone get that close since. In a way, it was good though-- I determined to get the family that I wanted no matter what, and I did. I learned that no one can really make you happy but yourself. I dealt with my depression and overcame it (sort of). I lived through it. And I am sure that I will live through it again. I wish that I had never let myself fall for her again though... Because of this, I have lost one of the only true friends that I have. My mistake. I also realized that I do miss companionship and I do miss feeling loved, and I do miss sex! :) I liked being my jaded, numb self. I wish I could get back to that place, but it probably won't happen any time soon. I will have to go through this pain and try to overcome it again. The difference this time is that I have 3 beautiful children to take care of, so I can't lose myself in heartache. I have no choice, I have to be strong and swallow my pain and take care of them.

I am really in awe of those people who are in normal, healthy relationships--especially the lesbians. I don't think that I have it in me to be in one. I always seem to fall for the wrong people, and I let the right ones go... I wonder why. I don't mean to sound like I'm having a pity party for myself, but then again, this is my blog and I can say whatever I want to in it! Since I am a control freak, it is the perfect outlet for me-- no one argues back. Of course, that may be because no one reads it! :) I do feel better now though-- although I am still crying! Maybe a good cry is just what I need right now.....