Strange Days...

The past few days have not been good-- to say the least. I have been under a lot of personal stress. One of my good friends came back to town briefly, and our visit was not good. Our relationship has been very strained lately and is probably now over... How did things get this out of control? I still am not sure. I lost trust in her. Not that I really trust anyone anyway-- but I did actually think that I could trust her to an extent. I really don't know what to think about the situation... or how to feel. I sort of feel like my chest has been punched and I have lost my breath, but I also feel strangely numb at the same time. Today she told me that I was "dead to her".

Unfortunately, that is not the first time that someone has said that to me... About 8 years ago my Grandfather said those words to me. Why? Because I didn't visit him for a couple of months... (he was the meanest man ever to live--- probably where I get some of my charming personality). The reason he said it isn't as important as the result. Because he told me that I was "dead to him", I never called him again. In fact, I never knew what happened to him until a few years ago. He died, alone, in 2003. My cousin looked it up on the Internet and told me... I do have feelings of guilt that I ever called him again, but I can't change what happened. It just happened. Today I feel sort of the same way that I felt when I found out about his death-- numb and breathless. I wonder if I will ever see "my friend" again...

Someone told me today how important it is to surround yourself with people who give off positive energy. I began to wonder what kind of energy I give off-- definitely not positive. Stressed out? Frantically hyper maybe? I wish that I could give off positive energy. Who knows, maybe someday... I definitely give off some sort of energy-- what kind remains to be seen.

The same person told me that I'm "weird" tonight. Yes, she is right. I think I am weird, strange, perhaps even eccentric in some ways. Often I just simply say what comes to my mind-- many times those thoughts shouldn't be vocalized. I prefer to think of myself as honest. If I think it, I say it... even if I shouldn't. Unfortunately, I am not always politically correct, and I will probably never get ahead in life or my career by BSing, but I am real. I do, for the most part, like myself-- hey someone has to... :)