A Foggy Friday....

I am sooo sleepy. It is a dreary, wet day-- the perfect day to nap. Unfortunately, I'm at work, so napping is not an option. I just can't stop yawning... I woke up feeling sad today. This week has been hard. I really wish things had not ended so badly with Theresa. Our friendship has been so strained lately-- I always considered us family-- sort of like sisters, so I just have a hard time understanding why she feels so much anger and jealousy. Things began to feel so dysfunctional... I began to feel like I was a wife in a bad marriage. Controlled and trapped. Weird. Things got very bizarre. I have to admit that I feel a lot of relief now that she is gone, but I also feel sad that I can't call and talk to her. I feel sad that things got so strained between us. I feel sad that things changed so much. She really has been a good friend to me in many ways. She stuck by me when others in my life turned away. I really do love her-- just not in the way she wants, I guess. It does feel like I've lost a family member... Who knows, maybe someday we will be friends again, but somehow I think it will be a long time before that happens.

I feel alone today. I hate when I feel that way. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and realize how much responsibility that I have on my shoulders and it scares me. I am responsible for the lives of three children. Normally I feel like I can do it-- really I don't think about how I'm going to do it.. I just do it. But sometimes I look at myself and wonder how I manage. I am terribly disorganized, and I'm such a procrastinator-- it is amazing I get anything done. So far my kids seem fairly happy. I hope they are anyway... I just sometimes feel like I have no one to talk to about my frustrations and my fears. No one really wants to hear a pity party anyway. Everyone has their own issues to deal with. But I can see why people hesitate to have children on their own-- it can be very lonely at times. It is probably a big relief to have another person to share that responsibility with. But this is the life that I have chosen to live, and I don't regret having my kids on my own. When I feel overwhelmed and lonely like this, I just try push my fears aside and wait for the feeling to go away-- probably not the ideal way to deal with my emotions, but it seems to work for me....

Tonight things will get better though. It is Free Movie Night at Big A and D's school. "Kung Fu Panda" is playing. Watching my kids faces as they enjoy the movie will erase all of my loneliness and fear-- it always does.