I truly think my son has the loudest voice in the history of voices... Every time he opens his mouth a yell, screech or scream comes out. In regular conversation, I must say hush, be quiet, talk quietly at least a hundred times. I wonder how many times I actually say things like this in a day? I'm not even sure he knows what these words mean. His whisper is even loud! Sometimes I wonder if he has hearing loss. I have had his ears checked though, and he seems to hear fine. Once he did have an ear that was clogged up with wax-- pretty digusting, but maybe I should take him back to the doctor again and have his ears cleaned. In fact, I think I will go today and invest in an ear candle--- do it myself. I have an otoscope... I should look in those ears myself... He is being particularly loud today. In fact he is exuberant--- both in actions and voice. So, I am sitting out on the front porch... hiding.
There was no sleeping in for me, of course.... I have been up since 7 am... Thanks to my two younger kids. Big A is at a friends house (she spent the night), so there is that. At least there are only two of them--- but those two are the ones that take the most work. They take a LOT of work in fact. They both wake up ready to wreak havoc on the house and my nerves... But they are both extremely cute, so I guess I'll keep them! :) Right now, the TV is on... that should appease them for a while... I hope.
I had to take them to work with me yesterday, and they were surprisingly good. Most of the day they sat quietly and watched movies while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. I HATE working on Saturdays. Honestly, I have to wonder about my decision to take this job. My intention was to learn, but that has not materialized yet. I am working more days, for less pay per day. Hmm. I thought the experience would make up for that, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way. I have been sick more times than I can count this Fall--- this is unusual for me. I am riddles with structural issues-- neck, back, etc., but my immune system has always been great. I have always been able to fight off a cold with ease... Not this year, every little "bug" that comes through seems to attack and win. My energy feels zapped by the end of the day, and it takes all that I can muster just to feed my kids and get them ready for bed. My desire for romance has pretty much disappeared, which may be for the best because I have no time for romance. But still it is kind of sad. I have withdrawn from all of my friends... haven't talked to anyone in months. I don't even talk to my Mom like I used to. I just come home from work --- get the kids in bed and fall asleep... dreaming of a different life. My weekends are either filled with kid activities or semi-cleaning... For instance, I should be up cleaning right now, but I can't seem to muster the energy to do it. I don't mind the kid activities... I just wish I had the energy to enjoy them. I am looking at the sun's rays falling on the trees, and all I want to do is sit here and "veg". It is like I am trying to come out of a fog--- the fog of work... I always feel hung over on the weekends--- it takes me a whole day to recover, then I spend the next day trying to play catch up with my house---- I never do catch up. Then it's back to work, and my energy gets sucked out all over again. There must be a better way. What is it? My biggest thrill in life right now is watching "Dexter" every week! That is kind of sad really. The Holidays are coming up, and normally I get excited and plan fun things for us to do... This year, I am not getting in the spirit. And I don't like this feeling. I want to be excited about something! I really just don't have emotion about much right now... I feel sort of numb about life. Really just tired about life.
My Birthday is coming up soon. I will be 40. Most people get excited about this milestone Birthday--- they plan parties or celebrations of some kind, but I just am not feeling it. I am not looking forward to it at all. In fact, I just sort of wish that it would never come. I think that I am sort of having a "mid-life" crisis. I think that the fact that I am about to be 40, and I am at the same stage of career as I was when I was 30 in pretty depressing. I'm back to working for someone else... I should already own my own hospital. I should be well on my way to planning for my retirement. I should feel settled and happy in my environment. Instead, I want to leave... I want a change of environment. I want to change my life. I want to live in a peaceful, quiet place, far from the traffic and stress of Atlanta. I want to go and raise my children in a small town--- a real community. I want to live by "the sea" (as my Son would put). I want my kids to have sun-kissed skin and bleach blond hair and learn to surf and crab and fish.... I want to know my neighbors and be active in my community... active in the school... have time to relax and enjoy my children. Oh well, maybe these are dreams that just aren't available for a single Mother. Maybe I should just settle for what I have and stop pining away for some dream life that is never going to be possible. But, then again, I have to have something to strive for, right? So I guess I will go on dreaming about it, and I will try to find a way to make this happen... Maybe it will someday, who knows. I was able to realize my dream of being a Mother, so why couldn't I realize my dream of a peaceful, quiet, happy life? There is nothing stopping me, but myself. I have to formulate my plan and stick to it. I have to continue to visualize and maybe I can make it reality. Okay, now I think I have talked myself down from the ledge of self-doubt... at least for a while. Now I have to go clean the horrible mess that the dog just made in the house while I was out here writing this! Anyone want a Doberman? I just may pay someone to take her!!!!
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