Today is Saturday, and I am up much too early... In my 'old' life, I would never be up at this hour... But now I am working full time at a hospital, so every other Saturday I work. I will be honest, that is a pretty hard trade off for me to make. I have worked for myself for so long, that it seems like I am taking a step back in my career. I no longer have have the luxury of making my own schedule--- now I have to make schedule requests, now I have work more days in the week. What am I gaining by doing this? Well, I am trying to learn new skills-- a holistic approach to medicine, acupunture, etc. and I have less driving time. Unfortunately, more money is not a benefit of this job... I am actually taking a pay cut... although in this economy, it is not that much of a cut unfortunately. I am extremely torn about my decision to take this job. And, my body seems to be manifesting the stress--- I have been sick for 3 weeks now!!! The holidays are coming up, and my weekends to work seem to be falling on them... I am in a better situation than last year though... last year, I was barely working at all during the holidays--- as a result, I dug myself into quite the financial hole. The up side was that I got to spend a lot of quality time with my children... Another example of how I feel like I am always making a trade off between time and money.
I don't mean to complain... I have it way better than some others do... I know this. I have made my own choices in life--- I chose to become a Single Mother of 3, I chose to put my children before career. I choose to spend money rather than save.... I chose to take this job. I know that my next career choice must be to open my own hospital... I know this because I am not a good, loyal employee... I do not like having to answer to others. I want to make my own schedule and be the one in charge. My biggest issues though are motivation, procrastination, and organization. These are the flaws that I most need to work on within myself. These flaws affect every aspect of my life--- career, parenting, relationships, even housekeeping. I have gotten into such a deep rut, that I am having a hard time climbing out of it. I find myself retreating into my head more and more these days. I am spending so much time in there, that I am not getting the things done around the house that I need to. I have let things go for so long that I don't even know where to start... I never seem to catch up. I have GOT to do better. I have got to unclutter both my physical space AND my mind. I seem to be caught in a viscous cycle... I think and think and think, but I don't DO. I plan and plan and plan, but I don't take action to carry out any of my plans. I make list upon list, but I don't check anything off. I try to unclutter my mind, but I just seem to make it more cluttered--- I am constantly moving one pile of thoughts to different parts of my brain-- then I make a new pile of thoughts in it's place. I need to get out the "garbage bag" and start throwing some things away... Clean out the brain, and clean out the house....
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