Oh the summer is off to a hot start! Yesterday morning, I almost passed out working in the yard. For a minute, I seriously thought I was having a heat stroke. My head started pounding and the trees started spinning a bit. Fortunately, after a rest and a LOT of water, I was able to get back to work. That would not be a good way to die--- People would ask " How did your Mother die?" They would reply " Well, her head exploded while mowing the lawn.... It was her own fault, she had a perfectly good riding mower, but she never got around to having it repaired..." And D would probably pipe in " And she promised to take us swimming, but she dropped dead first... NO FAIR!" The children would probably find me out there and poke me with sticks--- like they do all the dead animals they find in the yard. They might even cover me with grass shavings and say that they buried me.... like they did the dead snake. Hopefully Little A wouldn't turn me over to see "its white belly" first. For some reason, she loves to look at dead snake bellies.... " they awr so shiny and white".
The kids had a pretty fun weekend though. Friday night we went to the Decatur Beach Bash. Saturday morning they went to a fishing tournament... although, I seemed to be the only one fishing. I caught two fish for D, and one fish for J. Big A caught her own little fish, but wouldn't take it off the hook. And Little A spent the whole tournament talking to the adults on the pier. J (Pixie's son) won 3rd prize for a fish that he caught himself though! He was very proud! It was cute. Now all my kids want fishing poles! I have to admit, it was fun! But I still felt sorry for the poor little fishies... they looked so cute swarming after the bait... then one would get caught on the hook, and be yanked out of the water and have to go through the torture of slowly suffocating while it was being measured and weighed... Then it would get thrown back into the water, where it most probably died a slow death from it's wounds. Morbid. Maybe I should change the story... that's what we humans like to do. "The sweet little fishy was freed from the hook and sent back home to live happily ever after with all of its little fishy friends...." Okay, I think I have just talked myself out of ever being able to go fishing again... Poor little fish. But, still, it was fun.
Yesterday I finally got the new pool I bought set up. It is 16 ft by 42 in... It took forever to fill. The kids got to swim in the icy cold water for about 30 minutes in the evening... they couldn't stand any more. It will be warmer by tonight though. I promised them to take them in when I get home from work tonight. After we all froze in the pool, we went to eat Mexican at Los Bravos. It was nice having a little family dinner just the 4 of us. They act so much better when it's just us. I still can't figure that out. When Pixie and J join us, all Hell breaks loose. You would think all the kids would be used to each other by now...
Anyhow, the kids had a fun weekend. I on the other hand, not so much. But that seems to be par for the course. I spend all my time trying to make my kids happy, that I neglect my own happiness. That used to be enough. But I just can't seem to get back to that place anymore. I crave what I don't have. I really needed to be held last night. I went to bed alone... as always, and I felt so lonely and sad. I don't want to always sleep alone. I want things that I don't get, and I don't know how to get them. I try to visualize what I want in life, like the books say, but it doesn't seem to work. I came out of my "Mommy cocoon" almost two years ago, and I can't seem to find my wings... I just keep beating my head against the tree. I try talking, but that doesn't work, I try asking... but that doesn't work, I try yelling... and that certainly doesn't work. Then I just sit back down on my little branch, alone, and go to sleep. I go to sleep alone, and I wake up alone, and I fantasize about things I don't have, and can't seem to get. And I feel lonely while surrounded by the world. Meanwhile people tell me how amazing I am to be raising 3 children alone, and how courageous I must be. When in reality, I am simply foolish and treading water just to stay afloat. I am not a perfect Mother by any means, and I am certainly not a perfect woman, but I am doing the best that I can. I just need to feel wanted and loved for ME, not for being a single mother of three kids. Then again, I did ask for this life, so I guess I should accept it. I will accept it, because it is the only life I have. And thank God for my children, because they keep me getting out of bed each morning. Otherwise I would probably still be there wrapped in the cocoon covers... alone.
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