Adventures of Two Sisters, One Brother, and a Mom: Happy Birthday To Me....

Well, I'm 39 years old. Yesterday was my Birthday. I can't really say that I was looking forward to it. Thirty nine seems so old. Only one more year until 40.... That birthday seems like it could be pretty cool. Many people have big parties for the Big 40, but no one much celebrates turning 39. I had a pretty good birthday though. The kids were very excited to go buy me presents (with my own money, of course), and Pixie was nice enough to take them for me. She made me a cake--- the kids picked out chocolate. We had a nice little dinner at home, and I opened my presents. It was fun. The kids especially had fun--- they got to stay up late, listen to Christmas songs, eat cake, and generally act rowdy. Once they were in bed, I promptly passed out on the couch next to Pixie... no birthday "nookie" for me. Figures. I was not feeling well at all so it is just as well I guess.

Today sucked. That is about all I can say about it. I woke up feeling sick... headache, dizzy, and generally exhausted. Not a good start to my 39th year... Then, to make matters worse, Pixie and I had a therapy appointment at 8:30 am. It did not go well... to say the least. I felt sort of attacked, and I just simply shut down right there in the room. I wanted so badly to get up and walk out, but I didn't... I simply said that I felt that this was all a waste of time and stopped participating. That may sound childish, but it was, and still is, how I felt. I want all of these issues to just go away, but they won't. Maybe therapy would help us to work things out, and start over fresh, but I just don't see it happening. I really don't know if I can take it. Instead of giving me any kind of hope for the success of our relationship, both therapy sessions that we have been to have made me feel miserable, lonely, depressed, and defeated. They have done nothing but to underscore just how hopeless this relationship seems to be. At this point I really don't know what to do. I am in love with her, and I want to be in a happy relationship with her, but we are not in a happy relationship... It seems like when I try to talk about my feelings (something she encouraged me to do), she sees it as complaining and pulls even further away. This cycle just increases my unhappiness and dissatisfaction. I want more that anything to have hope, but my hope is fading. Part of me just wants to accept it and move on with my life, and the other part of me wants so badly to find a way to make it work and find a way for us to be happy with one another. I am really beginning to believe that that is just a fantasy though. I honestly don't know what to do.... If I leave this relationship I will be miserable and heartbroken, and if I stay in the relationship as it is, I will be miserable. It just seems to be a lose-lose situation for me. More and more lately, I find myself wishing that I had never got back into the dating world, that I had just stayed in my safe cocoon. More and more it seems like I am drifting back to that place. I just don't know the answer. But I do know that I am not happy like this. Not at all.

Anyhow... after the horrible therapy experience, I drove home balling my eyes out. This turned out to be a fortunate thing, because as I was turning into my neighborhood, a Cop pulled me over. My tag had expired (as of yesterday), but when she saw me-- all red-eyed and sobbing, she took pity on me and only gave me a warning. She kept asking if I was okay, and could she do anything for me?, and did I think I could make it home on my own? I assured her that I was just having a bad day, and I thanked her so much for letting me off with a warning. I think that she truly was worried about me. She had very kind eyes.

I went home and cried some more... uncontrollable crying. Almost grieving. Yes it was grieving... I was grieving for the relationship that I wanted, the relationship that I thought, for little while, that I was actually going to have. It seemed like it was there, but now it seems like it is gone. I can still sort of see it out in the distance, but when I reach out to touch it, it seems to disappear. It seems unattainable. I wish I knew how to get it back...

I ended up sleeping most of the day away... I had violent, angry dreams about being controlled and dehumanized so much that I bludgeoned my persecutor.... very strange. When I woke up, I picked up the kids and we headed to see the Christmas play that Pixie's son was in... It was cute. On the way home Big A informed me that she had a horrible headache and felt nauseous... uh oh. I dosed us all up with Vitamin C, zicam, and advil.... I hope she is not sick tomorrow... I still have the headache and feel achy and tired, but I think I'll be better by tomorrow. I just hope this "bug" doesn't go through the whole house....

Now that I have thoroughly depressed the reader with my sad state of being, let me post some photos of recent events.....

Mommy's Birthday: