It's raining this morning.... I am sitting on the front porch watching it. Funny how one day can be so beautiful and the next can be so dismal. I am not a person who enjoys the rain. I never have been. Some people find it relaxing, especially on a Sunday-- a good day to nap. But I would much rather be able to get outside and work or play... Yesterday was absolutely beautiful. A perfect day to work in the yard. Working in the yard is very relaxing to me... it helps me clear my mind. Yesterday afternoon I tackled the leaves on the roof and in the backyard. Not a small job. I haven't bothered to do a thing back there since early summer. The back yard is a disaster. I have really let things around my place go this past year. More so than ever before. Slowly but surely, I am tackling them though. It is hard because the chaos is so great the I almost don't know where to start. I know the reason for it. This year I have gone down a path of near self destruction-- not outwardly, but on the inside. I think I am on the path to recovering though. At least I hope so. That is my plan... to recover my life and my self worth. I am going to rid myself of my demons and get my life back on track. I am going to work on being happy again. This past year, and most of my life for that matter, I have looked to others to make me happy. I have hoped to find happiness in a person or persons, and often times in a bottle, but the only way that I will find true happiness is to find it within myself. I know this, but still it is hard to do. Watching my children grow, learn, and play does make me happy though. I have been told that I have lived my life entirely for my children these past 6 1/2 years, and that is true to an extent. I really have lived my life for my children for much longer than that though.... I have wanted to have babies for as long as I have been an adult. I have planned on it and read about it and dreamed about it. Funny, I can't remember wanting kids as a child--- I don't remember as much of my childhood as most people. But I am sure I wanted to be a Mom even then... Who knows. Why did I want to become a mother? I don't have the answer. Maybe it is because children give unconditional love, something that was lacking and still is lacking in my adult relationships. It doesn't really matter the reason I guess. I am a Mother to three young children, and it is my responsibility and my privilege to to raise them and love them and give them a childhood that they will always remember as being wonderful. I have come to realize that having three children and having normal adult relationships is not easy, in fact it may not even be possible. I come with a big set of baggage. And in order to love me and be in a relationship with me, my children must be included and embraced. That is no easy task. It takes a lot for someone to love and accept a single person...It takes even more for someone to love and accept a family. Especially mine I guess.
Anyway, enough of that.... Yesterday I took the kids to the IceForum in Duluth for the school skate day. Ice skating with three small children who don't know how to skate is no easy task. At first Little A refused to even try, thankfully a mother who was watching from the side offered to watch her while I took turns taking the older two out on the rink. Eventually Big A ventured out on her own, and I was able to concentrate on D. Little A finally decided to try skating ( she was pretty good at it), so I took turns taking the two little ones out. The whole thing was extremely tiring--- very hard on my back and arms, but we had a lot of fun! The kids had a great time, and so did I. It was a good morning. I really want to take them back more often. That was only the third time I have ever been ice skating in my life, but I really enjoy it... It is nice and quiet out on the ice...
after skating, we went to Costco to shop and grab a bite of lunch. Then we went home, and I worked in the yard for the entire afternoon. The kids played outside for a long time, but eventually wondered in the house and destroyed it while I was blowing leaves... Nothing stays clean for long with three children present.... Last night we met Annie at Ikea for a cheap dinner and more shopping... Even though I didn't buy a thing, it was nice just to shop around with a friend. Good to get out of the house and hang out with another grown up....
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