Trying To Quiet My Thoughts....

Well I finally got around to posting the photos from our Labor Day beach trip.... Yes I know, that was a while back, but I did try to start downloading them over a month ago. I thought that maybe I wouldn't post them, given the circumstances, but I really have wonderful memories of that trip, an I wanted to share them. I did get very sad while I was going through the pictures though. We really made a beautiful "family". I wanted so bad for that to be the reality. I still do. I can't really do anything about it though except say that I DO want to try. I know that I need to do a lot of work on myself, and I am going to do that, no matter what. I just wish that Pixie loved me enough to stay by my side. Pixie always tells me that I am too negative.. that I always look at the bad side of things. I am trying so hard right now to visualize what it could be... the good of our relationship. Isn't that what the Secret is all about? Pixie is not taking her own advise. She is focusing only on the negative. She is not trying to believe that we can make this work, that we can both bend out strong wills just a little bit to meet in the middle. I was/am willing to try. But, of course, I can't be the only one. I guess to her I seem like a wimp... or as she puts it fragile. She is wrong about that. I am not that fragile. I have accomplished more than a lot of people I know, and I've done it alone. I will be able to go on with my life alone if things don't work out between us. I don't want us to break up though. I love her. I love her enough to call her holistic doctor to see what she has to say... hopefully Pixie is right and she can really help me. I love her enough to go to church with her, even though I can't make myself truly believe... I do want to believe, I really do. I love her. She frustrates me though, she does. What frustrates me the most is the way she always takes everything I say negatively. She seems to be looking for reasons to dislike me or say we are not compatible. She often sees things that aren't even there. Maybe she just has grown to dislike me. That's too bad, because if she would take a second to try to see the good in me, I bet she would see what she fell in love with. Then maybe she would want to put some effort into this. I think though, that she is just displacing her fears and anger over here apartment situation onto me. Things have spiraled since she had to leave her apartment. She has been reading way too much into everything that I do or say. I really don't appreciate that. I have been trying so so hard to communicate with her.. I actually have been trying to talk to her. Ironically, she is now the one who doesn't want to discuss it... at least not in person. It is all such a strange situation. Maybe she's right, maybe we are wrong for each other, but maybe she is wrong, and the roadblocks that we keep encountering are just being put there to test us. Maybe the reason that we have always been drawn to each other is actually because we are meant to be together. Maybe there is a plan, maybe there is fate, or maybe not. The other ironic thing is that Pixie is the one that always talks about faith and the power of positive thinking, and she is actually being the negative one in this relationship. Hmmm. I am going to really attempt to hold myself together and trust that the right thing will happen. It just seems a shame that just one week ago we spent a great weekend together, and this week it is over. What a waste really.