My issues....

I wonder about myself sometimes. I wonder why I do and say some of the things I do... Often, as I say something hurtful or mean, I know what I am about to do, but I do it anyway. There is that brief moment that I think to myself... "I shouldn't say this", but I always say it anyway. Why do I do that? I guess I really do have the subconscious need to push the people in my life away... I notice that I keep most people at arms length. If I feel that I'm getting too close or becoming attached, I immediately begin to do and say things that will push them away. I have no idea why I do it, but I know I am doing it, and I do it anyway. That is why I have never had a successful relationship, and probably never will.

Of course, none of this applies to my children. They are the anchor for me. They are the ones that let me know that I do have the capacity to love. They remind me that I am human and I do feel. The love I have for them is completely unconditional and real. I never feel the need to distance myself from them. They are what keeps me sane--- even as they are driving me crazy.... :)

Yes, I'm a mess. I realize it, but can not seem to anything about it. I sometimes wish that I could completely give myself to someone. That I could trust and truly love someone. Maybe it's myself I don't trust. I don't want to let myself be hurt, so I end up hurting myself first... Before someone else can hurt me. I think I feel myself doing that today. I just can't seem to stop myself, once I start, I keep on. I really need therapy. Unfortunately, I don't trust therapists either-- I think most are themselves insane, so that will never happen.

What's a girl to do....