Back To Life...

I am taking a break from cleaning... never good. I may have a hard time going back to it. I love that I have the time to clean this week, but I hate that I am thinking so much. I have really been going through a hard time lately... back to my severe depression. Boy, the relaxation of my beach trip didn't last that long! :( Back to real life and back to my stress.... The good news is that I finally made an appointment for therapy! I start tomorrow... Good thing too, because I think that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm serious. I know I am a bit crazy-- okay maybe a lot crazy, but I can't figure out why I can't get over this breakup thing. Really I am making light of it, I am truly heartbroken, and I seriously need some closure. I guess I won't be getting that, because she won't even speak to me. Things ended bad... as usual. We both acted like children. We are both nuts. I know this, but I still love her, and I still miss her, and I still want her back. It is really F***** up. I know it is over. And we may never be friends again. I finally called-- no answer. I asked to meet to talk. I really don't know what I want. I feel like I need to say some things-- to clear up, or attempt to clear up things. I really thought she was the one-- whatever that means. I guess in a since she is-- for the last 8 years, every time I spoke to her, I got butterflies. Not that I was pining over her. I was over her long ago... then she came back into my life, and I fell for her again. I don't know what the pull is. I can't figure it out-- is it just chemistry? Who knows. It's a mute point now, and I know I have to get over it again and get on with my life, but I can't help wondering what if... I can't stop thinking about the good, sweet times we had--- yes there were some of those. I know that deep inside her coldness, is a sweet person. I've seen her. But just as soon as she lets her guard down...she closes back up. I guess it is not my place to psychoanalyze her. That is for her to figure out. I just wish that we could figure things out together and be happy and in love.... etc. I need to figure myself out. I need to get my life on track and take on this heartbreak and loneliness that I feel right now and overcome it. I was in a good place last summer-- at least I think I was. Just chugging along with out a care--- except for kids, work, and money.... Lol. But I didn't feel lonely or heartbroken. That is one of the worst feelings in the world. I almost wish I had never opened myself up to it. But, as I have said before, now I have, and now I want to be in a relationship... Will it ever happen again for me? Guess we'll have to wait and see....